Hey guys, it’s Carrisa. I’m so thrilled to be guest posting here for Isabel. She’s kind of my favorite internet person. And when she told me this was going to be a week of How To’s… well I knew right away what my contribution would be. Cooking!

Now I myself am a picky eater. My husband is also a bit of a picky eater. My husband also does not like some of the finer things in life like cheese… and noodles. Sometimes I wonder why I even married him. However, there is one food that has teh cheez on it that he will eat. Pizza. Apparently there is something somewhat non offensive about mozzarella. Unless of course your name is lasagna in which case you are #1 on the most offensive foods list. Crazy husband.

So because I can get him to eat pizza, I figured I could get him to eat these lovely gems that my mother used to make for me. So let me introduce to you… Pizza Burgers!

There aren’t a whole lot of ingredients involved here. I like to keep things nice and simple. Now I know what you might be thinking. Is that SPAM??? Um yeah. In my defense this is absolutely the one and only time you will ever find Spam in my kitchen. We do not eat Spam. But for the sake of this recipe, just bear with me. I did not create the recipe, I only share it.
Ok, can we all just agree to be on board with this now? Ok, good. Now go preheat your oven to 350 like a good girl. Or boy. Then get out a skillet and turn the heat to medium high. And also? I am no Pioneer Woman so please excuse my mediocre photos and my not so clean kitchen. I’m a messy cook.

So toss that ground beef into the skillet and cook it up right. You don’t need to add any seasonings to the meat, but you’re more than welcome to if you’d like. I imagine some minced garlic or oregano would be alright.

While the ground beef (or ground turkey, your call) is cooking take that hunk of Spam and introduce it to your cheese grater.

That grater likes to show the Spam who’s boss.

Don’t forget about the skillet. It’s important to remember to stir.

Once that meat is all good and cooked, go ahead and drain it. It’s the right thing to do.

Toss it back in the pan and reduce heat to medium. Then add that wretched Spam. It won’t bite, I promise.

Now add that jar of pizza sauce. Make sure it’s pizza sauce and not pasta sauce. There is a difference you know?

Now add the cheese. Mozzarella of course. About 1.5 cups. Or more if you REALLY like cheese. Which I totally do, but for the sake of my husband I hold back a bit. I would probably even put some parmesan in there if it were up to me, but I don’t really like sleeping on the sofa so I just stick with the mozzarella.

After a couple of minutes it will look like this. This is where I fight the urge to add something wonderful… like maybe some sliced black olives. But again… the thing with the sofa. I really love my wonderful comfy bed. Of course now that I think about it I could totally get away with adding chopped onions to this. Why have I never done that before? You should do that. And let me know how it is. But don’t add peppers. Because I don’t like those. And it is all about me right?

Now where was I? Oh right.

Take a cookie sheet and spread out the hamburger buns. Squeeze as many of them on there as you can. I like to get things done in one batch. That may be why I don’t like baking cookies. Of course I still bake them. They have such a power over me.

Now get out a spoon or one of these handy dandy ice cream scooper. This one is one of those fancy ones from Ikea that cost me a whole $1.49. Try not to be jealous. I have connections.

Scoop the fabulousness onto the buns. Don’t be skimpy.

You could even throw caution to the wind and sprinkle some additional cheese on top. I only did it to these three, out of respect for my husband.

Slide them puppies into the oven and bake them for about 10 minutes. Or maybe 12. Depending on your oven. You’re really just trying to get them nice and toasty. I don’t have a real timer so I use the one on the microwave. Don’t judge me.

When they come out they will look something like this. I probably should have left them in for a couple more minutes to make the buns just a bit toastier. But hey… we were hungry.

Now if you are a normal family you might do something like serve these with some salad. Or some kind of vegetable on the side. But in keeping with tradition, I serve them solo. Just like Mom did.

Don’t those look good? So can we all just agree to look past the fact that they have Spam in them and just give them a try? And if you absolutely just can’t get past the Spam then go ahead and be a traitor and just use some other kind of ham product. But just know that if you do, you are dead to me. I mean it.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever fed these to has loved them. Of course I usually don’t tell them about the Spam until after they’ve inhaled them. Sometimes I don’t tell them at all. I just call it a secret ingredient. What they know won’t hurt them.*

Well that’s it for my how to post. I thank you all for your time. And I thank Isabel for allowing me the opportunity to share with you all.

Make sure to come back tomorrow to see what Christar has in store for us.

*No Jews were harmed during the making of these pizza burgers. I would never secretly serve pork to a Jew. Just so you know.

Hi. I’m Jen from OperationPinkHerring, and I have a confession to make. I don’t dare admit this on my own blog because I am afraid that I would lose all my readers…. and possibly be threatened with bodily harm.

(No, I’m not going to blurt out Harry Potter spoilers).

I hate The DaVinci Code with the burning, fiery passion of a thousand yeast infections. Uh, not that I would know what a yeast infection feels like or anything.

Is anyone still reading? Or are you all on your way to my house to beat me to death with your hardcover, autographed editions of Dan Brown’s masterpiece? You should know that I have a high tech burglar alarm that is routinely set off my cats in the middle of the night. Oh, and I also have cats. Plural. And they bite. Just a warning.

Here’s another confession: I’ve never even read The DaVinci Code! And yet I still hate it.

Perhaps a little back story would help.

[Close your eyes and imagine those wavy backflash lines here.]

When I was a kid, I was a huge book nerd. HUGE. I used to read books in the cafeteria at lunch while I ate my peanut butter sandwich and ate my skittles. When I got my yearly bout of bronchitis during Book-It Week, (did you all have Book IT? I luuurved Book-It, because it allowed my to combine my two favorite things: reading and beating people at things), my classmates checked out a stack of books from the library and had one of the parents drop them off at my house so that my book tally wouldn’t be affected just because I was couldn’t eat, drink, breathe or come to school. They were afraid that without me, they would lose. When we went to the shore (in New Jersey, it’s called the shore, not the beach) every summer for vacation, I often went through two entire Sweet Valley Twins or Baby-sitter’s Club books per day.

And then when I got to about sixth grade, I just stopped reading. I’m not sure what happened. I just got busy with friends, and talking to my “boyfriend” on the phone for hours every night. When I got to high school, I was too swamped with schoolwork to read. And in college, I was too busy… uh, studying.

I felt guilty about not reading for pleasure anymore, and I envied the people who seemed to find time to read books and still keep up with their lives. But I also mocked them in my head, because they were so… snobby.

Two years ago, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to start reading for fun again. The first book I read was The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende. And I fell back in love with reading. I thought it was going to be a struggle to keep up with my resolution, but now my problem is more that I am forking over too much of my paycheck to Barnes and Noble every month.

And Lord help me, I think I’ve become a book snob.

It all started with the fanfare surrounding the release of The DaVinci Code. When the book came out, I’d never heard of it. No surprise there. But I wanted to see what it was all about. I went to the library to pick up a copy, but all they had was Angels and Demons. On CD. Since I was about to drive up to New Jersey for Thanksgiving I checked it out.

Oh. My. God. It was absolutely, without a doubt, the most painful 94 hours of my life. Was the running time less than 94 hours? Because it felt like 4-EVA. By the time I got to my mom’s house, I was yelling at the CD player. Why did the chapters just end mid-paragraph? To add suspense? They’d end saying something like “And then, dashing/cool/sexy/brilliant Harvard professor man opened the door” in a very serious, foreboding tone. “What happened when he opened the door?” I’d wonder. Surely something exciting! Something dangerous!

And then when we’d come back to dashing Harvard professor man, it just turned out that he opened the door, walked through, and made himself a pot of coffee.

Angels and Demons was so bad that I couldn’t actually bring myself to read The DaVinci Code. But that doesn’t stop me from hating it, mostly because it was so over hyped. Later that month, when I was visiting The Last Supper in Milan and saw that they were actually selling The DaVinci Code in the gift shop I made a big speech to my friend about how Leonardo was probably rolling over in his grave over this sacrilege, only to have my friend’s mother emerge from that very same gift shop five minutes later clutching a copy, barely able to contain her excitement. That’s when I learned to keep my mouth shut about my hatred for all things Dan Brown.

Until now, when I’m admitting it to the entire internet. Please don’t kill me.

Here’s the thing: I have no right to be a book snob. I love books that are easy to read. I didn’t read a damn thing for over 10 years. Oh, and also, I am completely ignorant about current events, and I am addicted to television.

But I still don’t understand it. And I felt the same way about My Sister’s Keeper. The Nanny Diaries was even worse. Because they were lent to me by a dear friend, I’ve read two of Jennifer Weiner’s novels, and I couldn’t believe how awful they were.

So now you all know my dirty little secret. I am a closet book snob. There are just so many great books out there that it blows my mind that people waste their time reading chick lit.

Wait; just give me a moment to change out of this white shirt before you start throwing rotten tomatoes at me.

Hola, hola, isabel readers! Today Isabel is partying in Chicago with all the cool kids and I, Janet, of loveisblonde.com, will be your guest blogger for the day.

Don’t worry though, because Isabel and I are so similar that you might not even notice she’s gone. For example, we both love to lay on the beaches of Mexico (some of us more naked than others). We both have orange cats. We both like to make homemade holiday cards. We both love Ira Glass. We both live in tiny, one bedroom apartments. We both are (hopefully) moving to new homes soon, except that (in case you were not aware of the awesomeness of The King), Isabel’s husband is BUILDING THEIR ENTIRE HOUSE WITH HIS BARE HANDS. My husband? He just logs on to ZipRealty from time to time and points and grunts.

If you read my blog, you know that I got married late last year, which means I get to claim the title of newlywed for just a few more months. In addition to the wonderful bliss that is merging you heart and soul with another person, I have a few other, slightly more practical thoughts on the first year of marriage.

First, I believe it’s perfectly rational to keep the newlywed bliss alive by refusing to use wedding gifts out of fear they might get broken or dirty. Please see the brand new luxury bedding still in its package in our closet or the entire set of gorgeous white everyday dishes sitting in my mother-in-law’s house. Their shiny-new sparkle and bubble wrap coating make me feel like my wedding was just yesterday.

(This drives my husband absolutely bonkers. In my defense, I have promised that we can finally break out the new stuff once we move into a new house. Unfortunately, it’s looking like that might not happen until 2028 and by then everything will be outdated.)

Second, it’s not all that easy to go through a 100 pack of condoms. I know people think most newlyweds are so in love that they can’t keep their hands off each other, but it often seems like the stress and exhaustion of everyday life gets in the way. My advice? As often as you can without arising suspicion, take a day off and visit the play “doctor.” Don’t you know that’s what “sick days” are meant for?

Third, and I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before, but husbands who build houses for their wives WITH THEIR BARE HANDS are hotties. Other, less talented men, such as my husband are still hot because they do their own laundry and scoop the cat litter every day without being asked. Men + chores = true love.

Fourth, and this one is important: Once you become a Mrs., you are not allowed to purchase any of those trendy, baggy shirts that are currently available in every store from Nordstrom to Target. People will assume it’s a maternity top and that you are pregnant. This is bad when all you’re “pregnant” with is quintuplet Krispy Kremes.

Fifth and last, I now know that sharing money with someone is perhaps more intimate than sharing, ohhhh, let’s say a 100 pack of condoms. It’s a little odd to log into online banking and know how your husband spent every dollar. Among the things I have learned since we joined finances: How much an annual subscription to Playboy magazine costs and that golf is the most expensive “sport” on the planet.

For those of you reading this who plan to get married sometime soon, I hope I have not totally burst your bubble about the true joys of marriage. And for those of you who are already married or living with your honey, please feel free to add you own insights to the list.

And thanks to the lovely Isabel for letting me rent some space over here on her blog while she’s gone. And the Vegas rule (“what happens in Vegas…”) doesn’t apply to Chicago, so you better come back with some juicy stories!

You may or may not have heard that BlogHer is happening this week. I’ve been a little busy trying to get ready for my 9:00 am flight this Thursday.

Plus, you might have heard about a certain book that came out this week that I’m trying to finish before the spoilers get to me.

You might also have heard that our laptop died.

Which means I will be at a blogging conference without a laptop to actually blog on.

The irony is not lost on me.

Since I love the interweb so much, I have asked a few of my favorite people to guest blog while I’m away having fun and enjoying some non “everything I do, I do it for you” time.

(Proof that we do get to see each other every now and again.)

Long time readers might remember back in the day when my husband used to write here every Friday. We called it King Friday, and it was fun. But then he got busy and was relieved of this duty.

Some of you missed hearing from him. Most of you didn’t. For those of you that did miss it. May I present The King, in all of his glory:

Wheels, and the need for them….

I walk to work every day. Its not bad. I like it. It takes me about 20 minutes or so. Sometimes longer. Particularly if the foot traffic is moving slowly, or if I get stuck behind some idiot with a suitcase that they are dragging to work. Explain this to fad to me. I understand a bejeweled denim jacket, or those stupid white canvas shoes with no laces. I get talking in ebonics, or driving a low rider car with a really loud stereo. What I don’t understand is having a bunch of stuffed animals or bottles of air freshener on your dashboard, or dragging a suitcase to work.

Let’s talk about the suitcase issue.

If you are leaving town on business, directly from work, then by all means, save time by taking your suitcase with you. If you are a stripper, and have tons and tons of panties and bras that you are bringing to work, so you are always wearing fresh ones while giving lap dances, then okay. I get it. But if you are a professional anything else, and have arms and legs that operate, put your stuff into a backpack, briefcase or otherwise, and pick it up off the damn ground!! There is no reason to tote an entire suitcase of work back and forth every night.

Maybe you are unfortunate and your company refuses to pay for a laptop, so you are bringing home an entire PC every night, monitor and all. Okay, then I understand not wanting that on your back. There is NO OTHER reason to require wheels for your commute. If you have a laptop in there, carry it like a normal human. If you have that much work to bring home, then stay at work and get it done. We Americans are viewed as lazy fat ass slobs as it is. Let’s not prove the rest of the world right by insisting on dragging our briefcase to work instead of carrying it. Next, the trend will be working women in Gucci Larks. (Yes, the lark is a device for the handi-capable, not the lazy.)

(Isabel took this picture last night. Proof that this is a problem in downtown Seattle.)

So, since half the working population seems to have a wheeled suitcase to drag to work, we get into small traffic issues. There are only so many curb cuts at each corner crosswalk. These people want to roll down from the sidewalk, thus causing considerable congestion at every corner, making it tough for people in wheelchairs, and those pushing strollers to actually get anywhere. Plus, most of them are on the phone, and carrying their legally available addictive drugs (yes, I mean Starbucks) so they are already moving very slowly.

Can we make a special lane for people with a timeline? Can we pass a law requiring people with luggage to walk closest to the curb? Or maybe better yet, can we just all act like we have arms and pick our crap up off the street?

Seriously people. Seriously.

On another note, don’t you guys love vintage Vespa scooters.

I know I’ve been talking it up for a while now. But believe you me, this post was worth the wait. Or at least I think it is.

You probably don’t know it but my best friend, May (not her real name) is a very talented designer and illustrator. Very talented. So talented, in fact, that she may or may not do illustrations for the magazine favored by dentists the world over that rhymes with Bighlights.

May is also friends in real life with the beloved DesignMom. They went to college together and are such good friends that DesignMom hired May to do all of her kid’s birth announcements.

For years May has helped me become a better crafter. We’re not talking about the pretty little scrapbooks and pre-made items like that. May is pretty clever and comes up with her own projects. All of which are amazing.

A few years ago when everybody we knew started having kids and we were attending a few baby showers every month, May came up with The Best Baby Shower Gift in the History of the World. Since May is moving away to Reno, I was afraid this talent of hers would move with her. I begged her to show me her ways. She agreed, and this “How-To” post was born.

Let’s turn the time over to my bestest friend, May:

—————–

How To Win the Baby Shower Gift Competition (yes, they’re judging you…)

I like to give unique gifts. If you’ve got lots of cash laying around, there are TONS of great things to buy out there (ever visited designmom? Totally awesome). Alas, I am poor. But I’m not going to let it stop me from being fabulous… And in the spirit of cheap-skates everywhere I now impart my crafting knowledge to you so you can also win that baby shower & amaze your friends, the church ladies, and the mom-to-be with your crafty skillz.

Lots of stores sell awesome onesies with band names for lots of money (Cinder Block, or that embarrassing store in the mall where the goth kids go….Hot Topic, etc.). But if you are willing to spend some time on images.google.com, and can work Photoshop, you can make some rockin’ onesies for only a few bucks. And even if you can’t work Photoshop, I’m going to give you some FREE designs here to cut & paste into your program of choice.

A quick lesson on copyright laws –

Most the stuff you find on the internet is not free game. Someone owns the rights to the images. You can’t just take Jordan Catalano’s picture & start selling millions of onesies dedicated to his hotness, no matter what the market demands. I’m just sayin’, you can’t sell these puppies…

Supplies & My Lengthy Explanation of Said Supplies:

Onesies – I’ve gotten totally awesome onesies at thrift stores before (vintage stripes, hand stiched necklines, etc.) Don’t pay more than $.50/each for them, and obviously wash them well before ironing on…

The “Circo” brand at Target sells a 5-pack for around $10 which are pretty great. I don’t personally like the “Gerber” onesies because they’re just surged on the edges & look slightly ghetto. Ross sells cute striped onesies in a 5-pack for about $8 too. If you’re really into making onesis, you can get them in bulk (and cool colors) from Anvil (for kids T’s) or American Apparel (a tad pricey, but GREAT quality).

Iron On Paper* – My favorite is the Epson brand (it’s cheapest at amazon). But I have an Epson printer. I’ve also had good luck with Office Depot’s generic brand. As long as you follow the directions, they’re all pretty good. And most babies are only wearing them for a few months anyway…

* These directions are for regular iron-on paper, to be used with white or light colored fabric. If you want to do black or dark colors, you’ll need to get different paper & follow the directions.

Ink Jet Printer – I’m pretty sure you need to print them via ink jet. Check your iron on directions to see for sure.

Photoshop – These directions are for Photoshop CS, but you can lay it out in whatever program you want. Just be sure to flip the image so that it prints backwards before you print.

Iron

Wooden Cutting Board

Designing Your Onesie

This is my favorite part. I like to start at images.google.com and type in random 80’s bands, famous body builders, tattoo designs, politicians, etc. (I mean, doesn’t every baby need a shirt with Whitney Houston on it that says, “Crack Is Whack”? Crack IS whack….) Look for medium to large sized files if you can. I am going to look up Jordan Catalano.

-Open Photoshop.

-Once you find your dreamy picture of Jordan, click on the link at the top of images.google.com that says, “See full-size image”.

-Move your mouse a’top the image & right-click. Choose “Copy Image”.

-In Photoshop select File, New File, “OK” (it should automatically be the same size as the image you just copied. Thank you Photoshop!)

-Select Edit, Paste.

-I use the brush tool to white out the background & clean up the image, but it’s up to you.

-If you have a smallish image, change the canvas size to the size you want your image to be (3”x3” is good for a onesie). Go to Image, Canvas Size, (fill in the size you want). Then go to edit, transform, scale to make it fit the canvas size. Hold the “Shift” button while you scale the image to keep the proportions correct.

-If you have a largish image, go to Image, Image Size & cut it down to 3”wide x whatever” tall.

-If the image is bitmapped or grainy- you can add some cool filters. My favorite is the halftone screen:

-Select Image, Mode, Grayscale to make the image black & white.

-Select Filter, Sketch, Halftone pattern & select how far you want to push the pattern. (I usually come back with the brush tool now & take out all the extra dots that showed up in the plain white background when the halftone pattern was applied.)

-Add type, if you want to add some snarky comment. (Of course this is not required. Jordan can stand on his own. We are adding some Tragic Love Friday text. You know, because we can.)

-Select the color you want the type to be from the “Swatches” window -Select the “T” (type) tool.

-When you click the type tool onto your image, the top bar of the photoshop screen will show the type choices & sizes you have. Go at LEAST 20pt size. And go crazy…

-You may need to make your canvas size larger to fit the type. Go back to Image, Canvas Size, and add the inch that you need (and where you’d like it to be added on the image).

-In Photoshop CS you can edit the type after you’ve clicked off it, but it’s a little tricky. It may try to add new type on a different layer. Click DIRECTLY on top of what you’ve already put in & you can select it to change the font & font size.

-Once type is set & happy, flatten the image. Go to the “Layers” window & select the little arrow right underneath the red “x”. Select “Flatten Image”.

-Now we need to flip it so it will print backwards. Go to Select, Select All. Then go to Edit, Transform, Flip Horizontal.

-I try to fill up a whole page with designs before I print so that I don’t waste my valuable iron-on paper printing one little 3” design. I can get up to 10 designs on a page (if some are small).

-To do this, change your canvas size to just slightly smaller than the iron on paper size. Go to Image, Canvas Size, & change to 8×10”.

-Now you can either copy & paste the current design, or start all over & make new ones to add!. Hooray for photoshop!!!

-To copy the same design, use the dotted-square select tool (AKA Rectangular Marquee Tool) from the toolbar & select your image.

-Go to Edit, Copy.

-Go to Edit, Paste.

-Choose the arrow tool (AKA “Move Tool”, right next to the dotted square select tool) to move the pasted image to it’s new home (it usually pastes the new image DIRECTLY on top of the old image, so you have to move it to see that it’s there). Now you are ready to print!!!

-Follow the printing directions that came with your paper (to see how to load it, etc). Just make sure you print on the right side (otherwise it will make a mess on your iron & you will say bad words).

-Once everything is printed, heat up your iron nice & hot. NO STEAM! Lay your onesie out on your handy-dandy cutting board.

-Cut out the designs, leaving a little extra border of plain iron-on paper around all them (otherwise it can smear when you’re ironing) You only need to leave 1/8 – 1/16th of an inch.

-Be careful where you place it, make sure it’s in the middle of the onesie. I know that’s obvious, but it’s amazing how many of mine end up kind of skewed.

-Keep the iron moving so you don’t singe the image or fabric, but make sure it’s TOTALLY ADHERED to the fabric before you stop applying heat. And don’t be afraid to press down hard! It will take longer than you’re expecting. Don’t get scared.

-Make sure it’s totally cooled before you peel the paper off. If the paper is sticking to the image STOP & iron it again. That means it wasn’t ironed on all the way.

-Now peel off the paper.

-Stand back & admire your cute, crafty self. YOU ROCK! This is the big payoff!!!

(Our very awesome Tragic Love Friday inspired design. Which will be hand-delivered to the lovely Frema this week at BlogHer.)

-Prepare to amaze friends & family. I like to get little cotton pants to go with the onesies & make it a complete outfit. I’ve done striped pants with a jolly-roger pirate onesie for a pirate-themed outfit, a flaming AC/DC onesie with bright orange pants, or little baby jeans with random band onesies (as per the mom-to-be’s obsession, be it Battlestar Galactica or Rhett Miller). And since they’re so cheap to make, you can give away 5 at a time without breaking the bank. Hooray!!!

(Some of the stash that May and Isabel put together in preparing for this post.)

————

As promised I have a few of May’s designs that she is happy to share with you. They are reversed and ready for your added snarky comments or left as-is.

(For more of May’s FREE designs, visit my flickr page.)

(The King is convinced I should make one of these and send it to Rhett. I don’t know what he would think of it. The word “stalker” comes to mind.)

I can’t wait to see what you come up with.