In which my mom thinks I’m a Slutty McSluttersonJuly 11th, 2008 @ 7:01 am
Like most college aged girls I spent most of those years making out with loads of different fellows. As in every weekend I was macking on a new boy. This is totally normal, right? And totally fun, right? And totally how every girl should spend her pre-married days, right?
When I say I was “making out” with these boys you understand that I mean “kissing”, right? I was, by no means, doing anything more with these boys.
Simply, innocently kissing.
(Okay, maybe “innocently” isn’t the right world. But you get my drift.)
During this time I felt the need to tell my mom about all the fun I was having away at college. I would call her and tell her about the latest weekend fun with the latest new boy.
“Mom, I totally got with this cute boy from the drama department on Friday night. His name was Jim and he was blonde. Dreamy.”
“I’m glad you’re having fun Isabel.”
And then we’d talk about something else. While I may have been dumb enough to tell my mom about making out with boys, I was smart enough to not give her details. That would have definitely been crossing the lines.
The next week an identical phone conversation would take place:
“Mom, I met this cute Hispanic boy and we totally got together this weekend.”
“Oh lovely. I made pizza for dinner tonight.”
And so the story continued like this. For years. I would call and tell my mom about my latest kissing partner and she would offer support and then move on to a new topic.
Eventually I got older and wiser and stopped making out so much with random dudes. And I got married. I was now an adult and could have real live adult conversations with other adults. Like my mom.
One day we were discussing how silly I was when I was younger and kissing all those different random boys. My mom looked at me with shock in her eyes.
“You were only kissing those boys?!”
“Yes mom! Only kissing! What in the crap did you think I was doing with them?!”
“I thought you were having sex with all of them!”
“FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! I was only kissing them.”
And then my head exploded.
What kind of Slutty McSlutterson did my mother think I was? Dude, no girl would have been sleeping with the amount of boys I was kissing. Really, the number is astounding.
It was bad knowing that my mom had thought her daughter was ultra-loose for so many years. What made it even worse was the fact that NOT ONCE did my mom ever say, “You know, I’m really not comfortable hearing about your sexual escapades. But, are you using protection? Are you being careful?”
Dude, she totally just blew the whole thing off.
FOR YEARS.
I don’t know how the rest of you were raised, but where I come from we do not have sex before we are married. We just don’t. It was probably bad enough that I was kissing so many boys. There was no way I was sleeping with all of them.
Holy crap, mom.
I’m sure my mom worried and fretted about the state of her daughters eternal soul. And yet, she never talked to me about this. Heck, she never even wrote me a letter discussing her concern. (She didn’t even send me an anonymous card with a copy of some scriptures. Or a pack of condoms.) Nothing!
I’m not sure what I would have wanted my mom to say to me back during those days. I wish she would have said something, just so I could tell her it was all a communication problem. That would have saved her years of fretting and worrying.
Or maybe, she wasn’t worried.
Crap. That might be even worse.
So tell me, what’s the worst communication problem you’ve encountered? And, like me, did it involve your parent being a dumb a@@?
Back in the Day · Churchy Stuff · They're just my family
heidikins
said,
July 11, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Ohmygoodness, I know this shouldn’t be funny, but I am dying laughing. Seroiusly, this is One Classic Story.
My college days were pretty much the same, going out on 8 dates a week to cut down on my grocery bill, kissing the cute ones, ALL the cute ones. Eh, it’s how I rolled. :o)
xox
Steph
said,
July 11, 2008 at 4:48 pm
awesome. seriously - this is really funny!
i’ve always wished that i could be looser as far as the kissing goes - but as hard as I try, I’m just…not. It is a little disconcerting though that your mother thought you were sleeping with all of them. I mean - maybe she was just proud. ha!
Keri
said,
July 11, 2008 at 4:49 pm
I cant get past that you used “macked” b/c we used that word all the time in college (meaning kissing not being a slutty mcslutterson)
For example:
“did you mack with him”
“do you want to mack with him”
“when Brian & I were macking”
I am so excited you used the word. I hadnt used Mack in a sentence in years. I might have to bring it back to my normal vocabulary!!!!
Hillary
said,
July 11, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I never dated in high school (an all-girls’ school doesn’t really leave much room for boys), so when I was in college and I finally told my mom I was “sort of seeing this guy” (i.e. I really liked him, and he finally kissed me), my mom totally gave me the squint eye and said, “I’m not ready to be a grandmother, just so you know.” I had had no thoughts of sleeping with him, or any other guy, until I was married, and my mom up and tells me that if I’m going to have sex, I’d better be careful. I was completely floored and hurt that my mom would assume this of me without ever talking to me about it. She wasn’t really being a dumb-a@@, but all I can say is she was worrying about the wrong daughter.
Rhi
said,
July 11, 2008 at 5:33 pm
This is hliarious! I am surprised she didn’t send your father over with a giant chastity belt.
Once, when I was 7 and learning to ride a bike. I said the words, “Foxy Mama!” and my dad thought I said another naughty word (that 7 year old Rhiannon would NEVER have said especially not in front of her daddy). And, I believe I got a swat on the butt for that. I still maintain my innocence.
Amity
said,
July 11, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Uh, a friend (female) and I used to joke around writing notes to each other in 9th grade as if we were lesbian lovers. My mom found some one time and felt she needed to sit down and have a talk with me about my sexuality… Fun times! “It was a JOKE, mom!” Sometimes I think she still wonders…
elizabeth
said,
July 11, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Oh, this post is too funny! I bet your mom was praying and praying all those years, week after week when she got done talking with you on the phone. Poor lady!
I, unfortunately, never went out with many boys at all (what have I been missing?), and in college only dated my husband. But in high school I sort of went out with this guy (which seems to now was a matter of convenience because we were in the pit orchestra for two plays together) and he would come pick me up for play practice. So when I left, my mom would follow me to the kitchen and say something about “be[ing] careful”. Now I wonder what the heck she was talking about! I never did anything but “mack! (I love that word!) I hope she doesn’t think I would do anything else. Like Hillary, she was worrying about the wrong daughter.
Jezer
said,
July 11, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Oh, my word. Your poor mom.
I, on the other hand, experienced a completely opposite miscommunication with my mom. She was always like, “why do you insist on having just one boyfriend? I used to have lots of dates with lots of boys–a different boy on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday afternoon. You should DATE MORE BOYS!” I finally told her that in our region in our time “dating” someone meant that you more than likely WERE doing more than kissing.
She finally got off my case about that.
Nic
said,
July 11, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Oh my gosh! That’s hysterical. I really, really hope that if you ever get the idea that Babboo is being a little reckless that you’ll talk about it with him. Because MAN! I can’t believe your mom thought you were a little hussy. LOL.
Audrey
said,
July 11, 2008 at 7:47 pm
When Tim and I first met, we eventually had so much booze that we were leaning on the counter in his friend’s basement with our foreheads pressed together to hold our heads up. We laughed really hard about this and declared that we were Forehead Buddies. (At the time it was very sweet and meaningful, as most things are when booze is involved.)
Later Tim told his older sister about his new “forehead buddy” and she reacted much the way your mom did. We later found out that she thought being a forehead buddy — something we made up when drunk and that had nothing to do with anything remotely sexual, not even kissing! — was something totally gross and perverted and him telling her that had made her really uncomfortable. We were all, “Really?! Because it wasn’t sexual AT ALL.” Gotta love those misunderstandings!
eva
said,
July 11, 2008 at 8:12 pm
I remember my mom AND DAD (!!) coming into my room when I was 15 to tell me I was too young to be having sex. Which I wasn’t, not by a loooong shot. What I HAD was a boyfriend who was 14, who’d come to my room with me and sit on the bed and…play cards! And kiss sometimes, but definitely more card-playing than kissing went on. Guess that “in the bedroom” thing confused my mom. AND DAD. Oh the horror and embarrassment of THAT conversation.
Meritt
said,
July 11, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Hmmm… I don’t recall even talking to my Mother during any of those teen years. And when we did speak it certainly had nothing to do with boys, kissing or otherwise. We didn’t exactly have a warm fuzzy mother daughter relationship. LOL. Then again, if you don’t talk you don’t have too many misunderstandings! Ha.
Lindsay
said,
July 12, 2008 at 12:39 am
Hah! That’s a hilarious story.
My mom was once convinced I had a drug problem because one year in high school I had her call me in as sick so I could miss my first hour class quite a few times.
I’m really unclear about how that = drug problem in her mind. But what was funny was that the reason I faked being sick for first hour was because my econ teacher was an obnoxious uber-conservative who spewed crap at us (metaphorically speaking) all hour and wouldn’t let us respond. I’m fine with people’s opinions conflicting with mine, but if I have to listen to you, then give ME a chance to talk too!
HollowSquirrel
said,
July 12, 2008 at 1:19 am
Ooooh you’re such a whore! I love it! That’s hysterical. I (smartly) chose not to tell my parents about my boy craziness in college (also: I went to school back when “hooking up” meant “kissing” — nowadays, apparently, it’s sex…at least here where I live it is. Not that I know because i’m doing it, but, well nevermind). Worst communication….hmmm… once, my girlfriend was trying to tell me something about her boyfriend. She said, “Joe is gay.” And I said (complete with my hand cupping my ear to lean closer and hear), “I’m sorry, Lynn, I thought you said Joe was gay. What did you say?” And then she had to tell me, yes, her boyfriend is gay. It was shocking and comical but very serious at the time since, ya know, they were breaking up.
Anth
said,
July 12, 2008 at 3:35 am
Wow. Just wow. I can’t quite wrap my head around your mom reacting that way. That’s pretty much the opposite of how my mom would react. In fact, I didn’t even tell her when I was kissing boys to avoid her meddling and unsolicited advice.
Did you ask your mom why she didn’t say anything at the time, when she thought you were whoring it up?
Christar
said,
July 12, 2008 at 4:44 am
Oh my gosh, I hope I don’t sound insensitive, but that story is kinda funny. All those years, and you both were on totally different levels of communication. Kinda funny. But really sad for your poor mom. And you!
And I’ve never kissed a lot of guys. I can count the number of guys I’ve kissed on one hand. Man, sometimes i regret not kissing more guys when I was available. Because you make it sound so fun!
May
said,
July 12, 2008 at 7:42 am
Once, when I was home on break from college, my mom decided it would be awesome to look through my bag & read a letter I was writing to my friend. And in the letter I was joking around & talking about how I totally slept with this kid (as in, we FELL ASLEEP. Seriously. I didn’t even kiss him). She grounded me the only way she knew how, by making me live in the dorms for the spring term. AWESOME. And that is why I never moved back home!!!
Viviane
said,
July 13, 2008 at 12:21 am
Hahaha that is a hilarious story!!! Oh how awkward would that be!
Lizarita
said,
July 13, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Your mom thought you were a whore and was okay with it. Comedy gold. xo
ie
said,
July 15, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Miscommunication?
Two days ago:
Me: Mom, the cat is asleep in my chair. Will you give him his pill when he wakes up?
Mom: Yes.
.
.
.
Three minutes later:
Mom: Now what was that about a chair and a pillow?
jenica
said,
July 15, 2008 at 5:54 pm
i once told my mom that i was attracted to a girl in my dance class. she simply picked up her laundry basket and went to her room. i learned from her the same thing i learned from marge simpson, “just push your emotions down, down down.” haha
Dugi.
said,
July 16, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I missed out on the whole university dating scene. I did have this real scary quiet tall hulk like muscular curry guy who stalked me during my first year.He scared me more than anything, my friends thought he was HOT. I was never into big muscular guys. I like them skinny or toned.
First year of Uni is when MO and I started dating (MO had finished Uni the previous year and was already working by then). It left me no room to date any cute boys at Uni, though my friends and I had nicknames for a few we saw around the place. We may have stalked them at the cafe and library and texted each other updates. *sigh*
The following year (my 2nd year at Uni) I was engaged and married to MO.
The last year of High school my friends and I deliberately grew out our eyebrows and sported an ultra nerdy look for the school photo. We thought this would be funny to look back at in future years. Except it still isn’t so funny yet.
Adria
said,
July 19, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I think it’s so cool that you felt comfortable telling your mom you were kissing a different boy each weekend.