In which I hear the other side of the storyMay 23rd, 2008 @ 7:01 am
When I was in the fifth grade there was this girl, Ginny Baker, who was so mean to me. I was poor, and dressed accordingly. She wasn’t poor and thus also dressed accordingly. I had long scraggly brown hair that was never cut properly while Ginny Baker had long curly blond hair that was always done up with big bows that matched her outfits perfectly. Ginny Baker was everything that 10 year old Isabel wanted to be.
And yet Ginny Baker was so cruel to me.
Ginny Baker (for some reason she will forever be remembered by her full name), and her crew of other Beautiful Girls, would walk around the play ground at recess and make fun of me. They would call me names and point out my holey pants and bargain-basement tops to the other kids in our class. To everyone else Ginny Baker was my nemesis. I talked loudly about how I hated Ginny Baker and her pig nose and a fat belly.
But, of course, I secretly wanted to be her.
Every so often I think back on Ginny Baker and wonder where she’s at. I moved after the fifth grade, so I truly have no idea what teenage Ginny Baker was like, let alone adult Ginny Baker. She is forever etched in my memory as this mean little girl.
Wouldn’t it be great if I happened to run into Ginny Baker and could talk to her, honestly, about why she was so mean to me? I wonder how her side of the story would go. Would she even remember that she picked on me? Would she remember the mean things she said about my clothes? Would she even remember me? Sometimes I fantasize think that maybe Ginny Baker was so mean to me because she had an unhappy home life. That maybe her acting this way towards me was because her mom was dying of cancer and Ginny Baker didn’t know any other way to deal with her suffering then to torment the poor girl in her class.
I sometimes forget that there is another side to every story.
Last year I found a newspaper message board that my ex-husband liked to frequent. While he commented anonymously, I was positive it was him based on his e-mail address. Every week, or so, I would log on and read what he had to say about current events. (Dude, it was so interesting to read. Somewhere between our divorce and the present time he had become very active, politically. This was a huge surprise to me as I remember him as someone who could have cared less about the goings-on in the world.)
Typically his comments would be about the presidential election, global warming, or the religious happenings in Utah (he also sort of became anti-Mormon after our divorce. Go figure.) While his comments really didn’t have anything to do with me, they were fun to read. I hate to say it, but I was happy that he had become a person that I could have been proud of and not just some dead-beat douche bag with a drug habit.
One day I found a comment he made that was particularly interesting and relevant to me. (Me!) He was commenting on a news article about the possibility of state mandated divorce counseling:
I definitely think they should strong encourage (not mandate) pre-marital counseling, instead of making a law mandating divorce classes before you can sever ties. I got married pretty young (the first time)—21, almost 22 years old. Long story short—we didn’t know each other and didn’t know what the hell we were doing. Got divorced after 1 1/2 years. Even did a month of counseling before we finally filed. It took me years to get over this whole experience. (Emphasis added.) I just cringe whenever I hear of really young people getting married, especially to someone they don’t know very well. Finally, I’m married again at age 31–and happily. Wow. I just unloaded my whole life story. My point—some education beforehand would be of more consequence than a class to tell someone they’ve learned a lesson the hard way after the fact.
Reading him sum up our marriage and divorce in a single paragraph was like reading his journal. I admit to being floored to hear that it took him “years” to get over our divorce. Floored, I tell you. First off, I was happy to hear that he was happy. (Whatever. But I’m going to say that so that I look like the better person here.) And, secondly, I was happy to hear that he struggled with our divorce. Ultimately, he was the one that had wanted it and initiated the divorce, so I liked hearing that he struggled with the divorce. Good on him.
But this is it; this is my chance to hear the other side of the story. And I didn’t just hear from a friend of a friend that my ex-husband had struggled with our divorce, or what his thoughts had been on the whole thing. This is right from his own mouth (or hands, really).
Guess what else?
His side of the story isn’t like my side of the story. In fact, according the way I remember it, his side of the story is wrong.
Dead-ass-wrong.
Sure, he got our ages right. Sure he got the time frame right. But um yeah, we didn’t do counseling. I did counseling. And I did it for most of our marriage and for quite a while after the divorce. Not just for a “month”. (I must add here that I love that he thinks that ONE MONTH of counseling is all our marriage would have been worth to him. Dude, that ain’t saying much.)
When people ask (and they ask) why we got divorced, I never know what to say. I struggled for years to find the perfect response. It would have been easy to just say “he hit me”, or “he decided he’s gay”, but it wasn’t like that at all. I’ve said things like “his family was batt-shiz crazy” or “we liked each other, just not being marriage”. Mostly I just say “he didn’t really like me anymore,” as I shrug my head and walk away. But basically, just like his comment stated, we were young and didn’t know what we were doing.
According to his comment, this is the story he tells. He tells of being young and giving it our best. He talks of marriage counseling and heart ache after the divorce. This isn’t part of my side of the story.
There are always two sides to every story. And, sometimes, the other story can be surprising.
So tell me, is there something that happened in your life that you’d like to hear the other side of the story to?
Back in the Day · Me
Keri
said,
May 23, 2008 at 5:20 pm
wow. Your posts always make me think. I too had a “ginny baker” but we became better friends in highschool. I found out recently why she was so mean and its a terrible story.
But yes, I’d like to know why my highschool/early college bf cheated on me vs just breaking up (wouldvebeen so much easier). And I’d like to really know why my parents got divorced. They have always just glossed over it. (They are on good terms)
I will check back on the comments b/c I am curious what others have to say.
Keri
said,
May 23, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Oh and PS - your story of Ginni Baker is what makes me terrified to have 2 girls. I am so afraid of them being hurt by a ginni or WORSE YET acting like that to others.
Marriage-101
said,
May 23, 2008 at 5:21 pm
I sometimes wonder what my exes think of me and the way we parted ways. I’d like to hear their side. And for some, I have, and usually it’s positive (”really? it took you years to get over me?” or “really? you regret dumping me for that whore?”) but in the end, it doesn’t really matter.
Carrie
said,
May 23, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I would LOVE to hear all my ex-boyfriends’ sides of the story on why we broke up.
Sadie
said,
May 23, 2008 at 5:31 pm
I would like to hear my ex-husband’s side of the story. Not so much of why we got divorced (that much is very clear to me), but why he married me in the first place when it later became clear that marriage wasn’t “his thing.” Also, I wouldn’t mind hearing about his life after the divorce and whether he is sorry, or thinks he should have tried harder. Of course, depending on what the answers are, they might just make me angrier.
Professor Art Nerd
said,
May 23, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I have two that I’d love to hear their sides.
#1- Claire, my best friend, worked very hard to make me realize that I was still in love with my highschool boyfriend Christ. I finally tell him, and he tells me that they’d be hooking up for the last month (Claire and Chris). What makes a person do this?!
#2- Tara, a girl who lived next door to me. I did not like her, but my mom openly admits to making me be friends with her because she felt sorry for her. Yeah, thanks mom. I spent YEARS trying to make this girl stop being my friend. And she did. But it was very all-of-a-sudden, stopped talking to me for seemingly no reason. I was happy- hell, that’s what I wanted, right? But I was confused as to why, after all these years, ya know?
Professor Art Nerd
said,
May 23, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I have two that I’d love to hear their sides.
#1- Claire, my best friend, worked very hard to make me realize that I was still in love with my highschool boyfriend Christ. I finally tell him, and he tells me that they’d be hooking up for the last month (Claire and Chris). What makes a person do this?!
#2- Tara, a girl who lived next door to me. I did not like her, but my mom openly admits to making me be friends with her because she felt sorry for her. Yeah, thanks mom. I spent YEARS trying to make this girl stop being my friend. And she did. But it was very all-of-a-sudden, stopped talking to me for seemingly no reason. I was happy- hell, that’s what I wanted, right? But I was confused as to why, after all these years, ya know?
meritt
said,
May 23, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I hope Ginny Baker is a blogger and happens across this post and gets in touch with you.
Durga
said,
May 23, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I am soooooooooo glad we have mandatory uniform policy in schools here….and we all had to have our hair tied back into ponytails and the same school bag. though i thought it kinda sucked at the time….now i’m so happy we had it. it weeded out all the rich/poor/fashionable/cool/uncool issues surrounding clothes n stuff in general. Our independence and self expression was evident in our work/music/art/etc instead. becoz it was a city school and a million ppl live and commute here….we didn’t really bump into ppl from school at the mall/local hang out etc on the weekends. the place is just too big.
downside is that the school is surrounded by high rise buildings n grass n trees were hard to come by.
~~~
I’d like to know if my ex still thinks abt me.
Laurel
said,
May 23, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Like you, I’d like to hear the other side of my breakup with my first love… well, I take that back. I am pretty sure his side of the story would distort what I believe to be true pretty severely. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing to hear the other side of the story!
Jura
said,
May 23, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Oh, your writings ring so close to me. It’s all leaps of faith. I am alive because I am capable to do them. Whenever I made a leap of faith and the whole thing failed, there was this never answered question. And then after months or years, it resurfaces, just like in your story, and does not harm and hurt me anymore, but gives me peace. Now I never did such a huge leap as marriage, but considering the odds… Not everybody is meant to be lucky in achieving that. So here I am with my reverse question, mourning the life that did not happen to me. Isabel, I just so happy that you are where you are in your life. And that you share it with us the strangers!
But. He still sounds crazy saying that divorce classes should replace premarital counseling. That’s just insane.
Rachel
said,
May 23, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I would like to here my ex’s side of the story as well. I would like to know why he thinks I divorced him, if he thinks he was a good husband (he was NOT) and why did it take almost 5 years for him to have another girlfriend. Was he just not looking or did our divorce hurt him that badly.
Brittany
said,
May 23, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Great post, Isabel. There are a lot of “other sides of stories” that I would like to hear, but none as serious as this.
Chas
said,
May 24, 2008 at 12:32 am
Speaking from a teacher’s standpoint, the mean kids do usually have some sort of crummy existence outside of school. There are so many beautiful, popular girls out there that look perfect on the outside and have amazingly terribly home lives.
I’m not sure I’d really want to hear it, but it might be interesting to see what my last ex-boyfriend would say about the demise of our relationship. I am pretty sure his side of the story would be totally wrong though, so it’d probably just make me mad.
Rhi
said,
May 24, 2008 at 12:51 am
Awesome post, lady!! I always want to know Zane’s side of what went so wrong between us, and, I think of this a LOT now, because he’s all engaged and I’m all…lonely. UGH.
KARA!
said,
May 24, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I guess I’m the only one that thought you were going to reveal that your ex-husband married Ginny Baker… ok, ok, I know that was a big leap to Assumptionville, but when you told the Ginny Baker story and then started talking about your ex…
Stephanie
said,
May 24, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I would love to hear my mother in laws side of the story. Supposedly I heard it when we had a come to blows sit down with my husband, step FIL, and her. But really I know she would never admit to anyone who knows me why she really doesn’t like me. Why she went back to a hotel room and cried because my husband and I were so happy living in PA. Why she consistently makes me feel not good enough to be married to her son. Why she makes no effort to befriend me but at the same time fawns all over her daughters possible future husband. Am I competition some how? Did I take her son away from her?
I mean, not that this is a touchy subject or anything. I would really just like the truth somehow. The not putting an act on truth.
Maria
said,
May 24, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Your description of Ginnys matching hairbows made me laugh, thinking of Nellie Oleson! I love that you are willing to see that she may have had a reason to be nasty. I would have just figured she was a b, and not given her the benefit of the doubt. And it is so strange that these childhood issues do mold us into who we become - strange because I’d like to think I am not the same person I was, but also because the 10 year old and younger versions of me may be a more true version of myself, if you can follow that.
I would love the opportunity to sit down with some ex friends and boyfriends with a neutral 3rd party (therapist) to talk through the hows and whys of the relationships ending, but I have never had the chance. So many relationships are abandoned because of misconceptions and unspoken hurts.
Liza
said,
May 24, 2008 at 5:59 pm
So funny that you just posted this. Literally, yesterday, I was thinking about something similar.
The one person I was really close to in high school, but with whom I had subsequently lost touch, found me on line this week. I always thought of him as “my best friend in high school.” But it was one of those sort of “friends with benefits” kinds of friendships, although I never thought about it that way.
Years later, I learned that he referred to me as “one of his exes” and I was astonished. I remember the first time we ever made out, but not the last, or when we stopped.
In retrospect, I wonder what he thought about our relationship, I wonder if I was just self-centered and unconsciously cruel, or if maybe he saw it more or less the same way I did.
Frema
said,
May 25, 2008 at 3:05 am
Ooh, Isabel, you hit pay dirt! Straight from the horse’s mouth! Even if he got the details wrong, I, too, would have been happy to hear how the divorced affected him, and to know he was sad about the experience, too.
I wish I had the same kind of access to my two ex-boyfriends, because I was so engrossed in those relationships and never felt like I got 100% back. Nick (#1) stole from my work and lied about cheating and told me my morals were outdated. Mike (#2) pushed sex when I wasn’t ready and told me about how good his ex-girlfriend was in bed and told me if I ever got pregnant he would want me to have an abortion. I initiated the break-up, though, when I know he didn’t want it, so I wonder what he thinks (what they BOTH think) of me now and if they wonder what I’m doing and if they ever realized what a good catch I was. Though to be honest, maybe I wasn’t such a great catch back then if I compromised myself so much, staying with them when it was clear they didn’t appreciate my values.
Great post!
Abbie
said,
May 25, 2008 at 11:52 pm
lol, funny, I was a Ginny Baker, just the part where she had the nice fine clothes and gorgeous hair, but I was the one who got picked on by the Isabels…lol
Anyway interesting your ex has a different spin on what your short marriage was about. Whenever a couple argues, I seriously try to stay out of it for that exact reason, the other side. And if they ever get back together, I’m sure the woman (who is usually my friend) would tell her husband what I said about him and if my comment to her is based on her side of the truth, chances are she’d leave that part out. Anyway, with this guy I was dating, he tells people we broke up because of self hatred and because I didn’t like black people. When really, he was a jackarse who overstepped his parental boundries. I just saw the Jena six incident very differently from how he saw it, but he tried to convince MY SON to see it his way WITHOUT my permission and to him, that translated to “Abbie hates black people”. He is a complete idiot!!!
jeanie
said,
May 26, 2008 at 12:21 am
My main “I wonder” is really regarding three ex-boyfriends who lied rather hugely during our relationships - to the point where I seriously thought I must have a sign on my forehead that I was the sort of woman this should happen to.
I would really like to know - how the hell did they justify that to themselves?
She Likes Purple
said,
May 27, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I’d love to hear my dad’s side of the story on a few things. I don’t think I ever will, but if I could choose, I’d sit down with him and hear everything he had to say, all things that are decades over due.
jennyonthespot
said,
May 28, 2008 at 2:35 pm
hmmm… I’m sure there is, but I kinda wonder if ignorance is bliss. I know - not the healthy “default”… Really good post.
Operation Pink Herring
said,
May 29, 2008 at 10:41 pm
I can see why that comment annoyed you, but at least he does seem to grasp the overall picture (young, didn’t know what you were getting into, etc). That’s something, right? And I won’t get into how addicted I would be if I could find a message board where my ex-boyfriend posted stuff… oh, man. I would be addicted. Part of me would love to know his side of our breakup, but the other part of me knows that he is delusional and he has undoubtedly concocted a story about how I broke his innocent heart and he has no idea why.
Lindsey
said,
June 1, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I’d like to hear my ex-boyfriend’s (we dated almost 4 years) side of the story. Actually, it would just be interesting to know exactly what he is up to these days. Anyway…I loved this post.
Whenever I am talking to someone and they are complaining about their spouse or significant other, I always have to wonder what their partner would say about the relationship and about them. One person’s perspective is never enough. And I think that even though your ex-husband’s side of the story is dead-wrong, maybe that is his reality, ya know?
Lizarita
said,
June 1, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I already know all the bull-shiz lies that my ex-husband continues to tell on me daily so that is of no interest to me.
I WOULD like to know about some of the ex-boyfriends, though. Where they are…what they are doing…etc.
Hmmm…
Eve
said,
June 3, 2008 at 11:59 pm
I’d be afraid, even if I had the choice, to read his side of the story. I hope that he blames it on our youngest, and not the fact that he felt under the gun by my parents. But his side of the family is highly cray as well and I’m so grateful he wanted to call it quits. Couseling would not have helped our issues…