In which I made a vow to never have a long-distance-relationship againApril 29th, 2008 @ 7:01 am
When I was a freshmen in college I started dating a boy sophomore. Without really getting into that toxic relationship right now, let’s just cut to the chase; Crusher and I dated most of my freshman year. We both moved back home that summer which was about three hours away from each other. The next year Crusher transferred to a major university quite a few hours away from the college I was going to.
Thus began my first official Long-Distance-Relationship.
Guess what? They suck.
I didn’t even really like Crusher, and it still sucked. I hated having to someone work my weekend-only job around driving the gazallion miles to spend a Saturday night with Crusher. Now my situation might have sucked even more since Crusher, for whatever reason, didn’t drive. (At all. I know!!) And he didn’t have a job. This meant that if we did do something that required spending actual money while we were together, I was paying for all of it. (Did I mention that I was also in school and trying to pay for what I could?)
I hated feeling the pressure to do well in school, work a part time job, and maintain my first real relationship. I hated trying to get my laundry done during the weekdays so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it on the weekend. I hated having to go without food so that I could afford to put gas in my car. I hated having to drive the hours to see Crusher after I got off my waitressing shift on Friday night. I hated trying to squeeze some roommate/college/study/family time in the middle of all of this.
And really, I didn’t even like this guy. I just didn’t know how to break it off with him. I was young and immature. And again, first real relationship.
In case you hadn’t heard; winters in Utah are brutal. And while I pretty much learned how to drive in the snow before I learned how to walk, it still wasn’t a great idea for me to be driving over the mountain pass from my small town college dorm to Crusher’s university dorm every weekend.
Blah, blah, blah, Crusher was a tool, blah, blah, blah, and an idiot. Blah, I finally broke up with him.
And then I vowed to never ever again have any part in a long-distance-relationship. I made a promise, to myself, and the God’s in Heaven (and my friends and family) to only date boys that lived within 15 miles of my parents.
While I spent less money on filling up my car, the boys that lived closer to home weren’t any less tools then Crusher was. (Maybe the dating years between like 18 and 24 are laden with idiot boys?) (Ah-ha, I’m on to something!) It was nice to not have to worry about driving over a mountain pass to visit my latest boyfriend, but still, boys….blah.
I used to go to The Big City to go dancing or to clubs, but I never met a guy there that I was going to date. Dude, I was very serious about my vow. No long-distance boyfriends. None at all.
My first husband literally lived less then a mile from my parents house. He was like an answer to my promise to the God’s to never partake in a long-distance-relationship. It was like I married him because he lived close by. I was lazy. I didn’t want to have to drive or rearrange my work schedule to spend time with my fellow.
After my failed first marriage, I must have realized, on some level, that this “staying close to home” dating plan wasn’t really working for me.
Enter The King and the 1400 miles between us when we met.
Thankfully that long-distance-relationship didn’t last long because I just packed up my life and moved closer to him. Easy, breezy.
(Yeah, not easy. And not really breezy either. But whatever. It’s been 8 years and we’re still here.)
My cousin, who is twenty, just got a new boyfriend. She slept over a few weeks ago (while The King was away on business) and spent the entire evening gushing over her new boyfriend. He seems like a very nice guy. He’s cute and going to college and has a nice family and is good to my cousin.
The thing is, this new boyfriend is going to university about four hours away from where my cousin is going to university.
She’s been drying the super duper long drive out to visit him every other weekend. Just thinking about this makes my heart ache and my butt hurt (that’s a lot of time sitting in a car). New relationships are always fun. Those first few months with a new person are magical. But dude, I don’t envy her.
Because seriously, I’m just too darn lazy to drive that far for a boy. The whole scenario brings back too many bad memories for me. Memories of not being appreciated and putting all my efforts and eggs into one basket. And then having that basket run over by a Mac truck.
It’s times like these when I’m thankful that I’m married and that The King lives close enough to me that when I roll over in bed, in the middle of the night, he’s always there.
So tell me, even had a long-distance-relationship? How was it for you?
The King · Me · Back in the day
Stephanie
said,
April 29, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Yep- for two years I did the long drive back and forth from CT to NH, and for me it was 100% worth it… so much so that when I drive that way now for my “Me” w/ends… I get a bit nostalgic for those days of hopping in the car at a whim (gas prices being WAYYYYYY lower than now), popping in a few good CD’s, having a full pack of Camel Lights (no longer) and OFF I went… no cell phone, no beeper, no electronic attachments.. just me and the road… off to see him.
Abbie
said,
April 29, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I’m in one now and thankfully we are passed the 18-24 age range and are really grown up (not playing grown up) therefore we can afford plane tickets.
He lives in FL, I in MD, I don’t think the discussion to drive is even an option…it’s 11 hours away!
We are little more realistic, we know we can only see each other once a month. But with these internet cams, emails and phones there’s usually some communication at least twice a day.
Colleen
said,
April 29, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I’m delurking to tell my happy ending long-distance relationships suck story.
I met a boy at a party in my town after my freshman year of college. A friend of a friend from the town next to me. He was cute, nice, and funny … but summer was ending and he was heading back to school in Virginia while I was staying close to home in Boston. Throughout the fall semester we chatted on the computer, which led to some phone calls … but we were just friends keeping in touch. Until winter break - we were both home again and within 10 minutes and our relationship began. Over the 5 week break we spent practically the entire time together, and decided to give the long distance a try. Spring (which is still winter) semester started and I booked a flight to visit him in Virginia for Valentine’s Day weekend. How romantic right? WRONG. It was the worst, longest (I ended up getting stuck due to a snow storm for an extra two days), most exhausting weekend of my life. (Long story short he wasn’t mean, but he wasn’t nice, and I had much more fun with all his roommates then with him. As well as the fact that there was another girl - who he didn’t cheat on me with but still made the weekend suck outloud for the both of us.) So when I got home we lasted about another 5 days and had a very mutual “okay this long distance thing stinks. have a good night. i’m OUT” talk. Fast forward 2.5 years with a bit of contact here and there and we both graduated and he was back in Boston. One phone call by him led to our “second first date” and two years later we are engaged to be married. A happy ending if I’ve ever heard one.
So after all that said — I whole-heartedly agree with you long distance relationships suck, but everything surely happens for a reason.
Kyleen
said,
April 29, 2008 at 1:53 pm
So one of my college boyfriends (like I had that many serious ones during that time) - anyhow when we started dating he was at the college with me and then about a year into it - he graduated and had a choice. The choice was to take a poor paying job in the area to stay around or either move to 3.5 hours away and make kick ass money. So he really wanted me to make the choice for him. I agonized about this and finally as much as my heart said no tell him to stay - I told him to go and we’d make it - so after a year of going back and forth (both of us) he had some Skanks move next door to him. Needless to say the shaggy song (It Wasn’t Me) came out talking about sleeping around behind your womans back…and well I guess thats what they were doing. I found out about their love for eachother when i came up to his city to come to a concert, of which he was there but didn’t think he’d run into me, and they were all laid up on eachother kissing and such…needless to say that was it. It takes alot to have a long distance relationship…and dude they do suck.
Chas
said,
April 29, 2008 at 2:41 pm
It’s probably a lot easier when you actually like the person, lol. I just watched an episode of The Wedding Story (I’m lame, I know) last night. The bride lived somewhere in the U.S….somewhere cold with snow, and the groom lived in Africa. Now that’s a long distance relationship! She was moving to Africa the day after the wedding.
Me…I’ve never been in a long distance relationship…never even had the opportunity, and I like it that way. I don’t think I’d be very successful at that.
Kim
said,
April 29, 2008 at 3:08 pm
My Sugar lives a half-hour from me, which probably doesn’t qualify for long distance. But, it’s an hour round trip. So that sometimes cuts into the time we have to see each other during the week. Especially in light of full time work and kid activities and minor things like laundry and homework and dinner.
We do both work downtown so we can see each other for lunch a couple of times a week. He spends most weekends with me.
But after just getting out of a marriage, it’s kind of nice not to be joined at the hip 24/7. We have our time apart and our time together and I think we appreciate the together time more.
Oh no! Did I just admit being mature? Ack!!
Audrey
said,
April 29, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Tim and I were long-distance when we first started dating. We lived 2 hours apart and took turns driving to the other’s town on the weekends. It was do-able, but I’m so glad it wasn’t any more than 2 hours and we were able to divide the driving evenly. I can’t imagine doing that if he didn’t drive!
heidikins
said,
April 29, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I have done long-distance; 900 miles long-distance with absolutley NO option of driving… but with cheapish plane tickets and a fantastic city on the other half of my relationship, I absolutely loved it. Granted, at times it was frustrating and when I had a bad day I really wished he was here to snuggle me…but for me, at that time, it was perfect. I had a healthy, communication-based relationship that was close enough to see each other regularly (every other weekend) but far enough away to not feeling stifling. It just worked… until he moved here and then 2 days later we broke up… but that’s a completely different story.
Great post!
xox
super des
said,
April 29, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I did the same thing in college… make the 3 hour drive whenever I could. He came to visit me too, but it seems like it was far less often. This is the same guy I moved to NYC with because I definitely wasn’t doing a long distance relationship that involved a 6 hour plane ride.
Now that that is over, I live with my new bf and like you, it thrills me to no end to wake up and have him right next to me.
Never again with the long distance thing.
Vesper
said,
April 29, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Yeah I had a long distance relationship. After 6 months of being 1400 miles apart, driving back and forth that 1400 miles, flying back and forth that 1400 miles, I just moved closer to him. We have now been married 4 years and have a bebe! It really sucked while we were apart, but I really feel like it made our relationship a lot stronger, we got to know a lot about each other just over the phone every night. Its really true what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder.
SJ
said,
April 29, 2008 at 5:13 pm
The boy I dated for a good majority of my High School years graduated before me and left for a college about 2 hours away. I spent many a good weekends in the car driving to see him. He’d occasionally come and see me too. But now we aren’t together any more and our parting was for the best.
Long distance relationships suck. Period.
Carrie
said,
April 29, 2008 at 5:13 pm
I MARRIED my long-distance relationship (you met him!). We were together in high school, and I went away to college. First to Port Angeles (which requires ferries and can make it seem like you are farther away than you really are) and then to Cenrtal (Ellensburg) - with the horrible, snowy winters and the pass between us. So, I can relate to those hours logged in on the highway and re-arranging your schedule. It did suck. Thankfully, he worked only M-F, so he came to me a lot. He hung out with us so much on the weekends that people assumed he was a student too!
Carrie
said,
April 29, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Obviously, that college education paid off since I can spell “Central” so well!
heels
said,
April 29, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Twice. The first was just… idiotic. The second led to my marriage. My husband and I met in high school, but I went off to college and he stayed home to go to junior college. After a year he moved up to be with me, but MAN was that a hard year. We were an 8 hour drive apart- not something that could be done every other weekend. Plus, he didn’t have a car. But we made it and we’re still here after 11.5 years.
Heather
said,
April 29, 2008 at 5:22 pm
I once “dated” a guy who lived in Spain. Yeah… not ANYWHERE I could visit him… SPAIN. I use the term “dated” very loosely because we were in 7th grade and we wrote letters back and forth. You know, typical jr. high crap.
Other than that. I once lived 30 minutes from my husband when we were dating but that was the extent of the long distance stuff for me.
Rhi
said,
April 29, 2008 at 5:26 pm
I’ve had 3 long distance relationships - all ended in break ups (um, duh, because I am single). Anyway, one rule I seem to have made for myself at some point is that I only have long distance relationships with boys in New York. New York is very far from Oregon.
So, here’s how it worked out:
1. Andy, we met at UO and he went on his mission to Upstate NY. We broke up.
2. Bill, we worked together (um, how about we NOT date our coworkers) and then started dating after I left the company. He took a transfer to guess where? Upstate NY. We had no business staying together. But, we did, and I visited him twice. The first time, he introduced me to people as his girlfriend. The second time, when he didn’t, I was heartbroken and we had the talk. He recently married a real life Doctor!
3. Zane. The most disasterous of all. We worked together - he in the field and out of NYC and me in Portland. We moved way too fast, he took a new job with the company, moved to Portland, we bought a house, promised to get married, went on vacation, and then broke up.
THE END. So, for me? No more long distance relationships with boys in NY, no more dating coworkers, and no more moving too fast.
FunnyGal KAT
said,
April 29, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I dated a guy for two years who lived two hours away while I was in college. He usually drove up to see me (and to drive me home to my parents’ house) so it wasn’t bad for me. But I do remember arguing because he wanted to come up every weekend and I wanted time to be a college student, hang out with my friends, etc.
We dated for another year while living only about 20 minutes apart before we broke up. But I seriously think most of the success of our relationship was based on being long-distance. Living closer to one another killed it (which tells you something…)
suzannah
said,
April 29, 2008 at 6:47 pm
i met my husband while working at a summer camp in college. we lived nine hours apart and went to college seven hours apart, but we made it work, dating for a year, engaged for a year (all long-distance), and then finally getting married. we saw each other about once a month, which wasn’t enough, but i liked it, because i didn’t get distracted from my schoolwork and i never became that lame girl who picks her boyfriend over her friends. plus, it was a christian relationship, and 500 miles helped with temptation;)
we’ve been married almost six years and live/work back at the camp we first met at:)
Wickedly Scarlett
said,
April 29, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Well, my now husband and I were in a long distance relationship for about four years, and while it was incredibly difficult for the duration, I’d say it turned out pretty great! He moved frequently due to the military, and I was still in school and then stationed at my own base, so depending on how far apart we were, we could get together most weekends or once every few months. We hit some definite rocky patches, but I think eventually disproved the theory that long distance relationships don’t work. I hope things work out as well for your cousin!!
Laurel
said,
April 29, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Word. Long distance relationships DO suck.
I tried it in college, hated it, and felt that it contributed to the destruction of an already not-great relationship.
Good thing I am about to be long distance with AS! (Sigh.) I am not thrilled about it, but I’m a grown up now, not a college student, and we have three years under our belt. We’ll survive, but I think it’s going to be mighty depressing.
Valerie
said,
April 29, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Dude. I did that for 4 years. 3 1/2 hours each way, every other weekend. It was awful. But, we’re married now.
Keri
said,
April 29, 2008 at 8:50 pm
When I met my husband I was in college in MD and he was in CT. So we drove up & down I-95 for all of 2nd semester. After graduation, he was stationed in Seattle, WA & I lived in Washington, DC. That’s a whole map between us.
Several months later, I packed up & moved to Seattle, which was better, but he was gone ALOT. Pretty much 90-110 days at a time & then back for 1-2 months.
However, it turned out well. We’re married now. But i echo your thoughts, it really sucked.
Mrs. CPA
said,
April 29, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Tim and I traveled between Arkansas and Alabama for TWO YEARS. I would drive one week and two weeks later he would drive, so we each made the trip once a month. I spent the summer there the first year. Ater I finished my last few classes I moved there for good. I don’t know if I could do it again. I’m too old for 6 hours in the car on Friday night and again on Sunday afternoon. This is one of the reasons we moved back to Arkansas for good.
Janssen
said,
April 30, 2008 at 12:17 am
I dated a guy in high school who really wanted NOT to break up when I went off to college (also to the frozen tundra of Utah, although to BYU, not U of U) and I decidedly did want to break up for I did not want a long-distance boyfriend.
And I dated someone who lived in the next dorm over and when we could make out any day of the week, I was pretty glad not to be dating someone who lived four hundred miles away. Also, the dorm boyfriend was about fifty bazillion times better looking and less needy than high school boyfriend.
sizzle
said,
April 30, 2008 at 1:13 am
Just about every relationship I had was long distance. Seriously. I liked them to be far away so they weren’t as much of a time crunch. Like they couldn’t just stop by. I had space issues. But the thing is, it never really worked out that way. It’s mentally exhausting to date someone who lives far away. Worse when you have to fly on a plane to get to them. Time is always rushed. There is never enough of it. Resentments build. Blahblahblah.
I once dated a guy who lived about an hour from me. He drove but only had a scooter so I’d always have to go to him or if he did come to my town, he’d take the train and I would STILL have to drive to pick him up. That lasted about 9 months. Then he told me I wasn’t “the one” and promptly started dating a co-worker. They are married now. But I’m pretty sure he’s gay.
Then there was the anger-prone guy who lived in LA. Once he wouldn’t let me out of the car at the airport because we had had a fight and he thought I was “never coming back.” I did go back but that was a really stupid move on my part.
I’m glad I’m mature now. Or wiser. Or whatever.
And The Fella lives 4 blocks from me!
Elaine
said,
April 30, 2008 at 1:14 am
Every decent man I’ve ever dated (all two of them, ha!) have been from the Internet and were long distance. My husband and I dated long distance from 1997-1999, when I graduated from college. He’s 8 years older than me and had been divorced for all of a week when we started talking. Imagine presenting THAT to your folks.
Jenn
said,
April 30, 2008 at 1:47 am
So many long distance relationships! When I was in one, I seemed like no one else knew what the heck I was talking about … where were you all then, eh?
I was in one for seven years with one guy 3,000 miles away. It ended in 2005 when I packed up my east coast life and moved west, where we are still together and still happy as can be.
I didn’t love every second of my long distance years — it was HARD WORK — but I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything because it got us to where we are today and definitely made our relationship a thousand times stronger than it would have been any other way. It happened at the perfect time in my life, too, allowing me the freedom to grow and learn to stand on my own two feet, while still having that someone special in my life (I think that can be a hard balance for early-twenty-somethings, at least in my experience).
Jura
said,
April 30, 2008 at 10:03 am
I’m right there, on the limit where I think when to walk. He is a very good person, such a good person that I dread the thought that it might be that in the future, I will be cursing him for preventing me to have family and be happy. It’s been 3 years, we are both over 30, currently on different continents, and I now think he is OK with depriving me that special, married kind of love. Does not plan to move back to this continent where I do not need to jump over the impossible bar of getting a working visa just to be here, either. He does want me to move over there, but no promises whatsoever. He believes in required living together for 2 years (something they told him while he was still in high school!). You always have this very sharp insight. Am I too naive and should not give this ‘relationship’ another half a year, Isabel?
gorillabuns
said,
April 30, 2008 at 12:26 pm
The only dude I had a long distance relationship with, I almost married and well, the story is too crazy and long to write.
I totally agree with your statement, “the dating years between like 18 and 24 are laden with idiot boys.” Never truer words spoken.
K
said,
April 30, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I met a Canadian boy who was living/working in MD close to my hometown soon after I graduated from college. We hit it off and started dating… then I moved down state close to DC and soon after he moved back to Canada. He was from northern Quebec and I went up there to visit him once. Then he started working close to Toronto so I drove up to visit him once there. He came back at least twice to visit me before we broke up. It just wasn’t working. He told me he didn’t realistically see himself moving to the States and I didn’t really want to move away from friends and family and live in Canada… so it seemed like a waste of time to continue on. Seems to have been for the best!
180/360
said,
May 1, 2008 at 12:37 am
I had a long distance relationship my first year in college. It worked for awhile, but it was so much effort and with someone that I shouldn’t have been with to begin with! Things were already going downhill when I left for school. I can’t really imagine them ever to be successful!
Anna
said,
May 1, 2008 at 4:20 am
So I emailed this to you, but I figured I”d post it as well.
The hubs and I were LD (four hours apart) for almost two years. Surprisingly, I actually enjoyed the drive. It was an opportunity to get some much needed alone time considering I was working a busy retail management job and living at home with my parents. I found it really relaxing. The Sunday afternoon drive home developed my interest in football! The additional freedom and extended college experience I got to have while visiting was great. Plus I had the added benefit of actually liking the guy on the other end.
Considering where our relationship started (dated briefly in high school, didn’t talk for five years due to me breaking his heart, both coming out of messy, long-term, on-again/off-again relationships), being long distance was almost a blessing. It allowed us to ease into each other, with plenty of space in the event that things didn’t work out. At first my trips were pretty sporadic but eventually I realized how awesome he was and how happy we were together. By the end I was going out a minimum of once a month while he came home at least once a month.
For his last semester I made an envelope for each day until graduation and gave them to him in a big Rubbermaid tote when he left. The envelopes held things like Little Debbie snacks, gum, and other inexpensive treats. Each Friday was a card with a message from me. It ended up being a lot of fun for both of us and it definitely made the time go faster.
Being long distance also helped us develop better communication skills and a greater appreciation of the time we have together which has been invaluable with his current insane and constantly changing work schedule.
Amanda Brown
said,
May 1, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I was the teenage queen of long distance romances. I would go to a Bible youth conference, find a boy I fell madly in love with over the course of 2 DAYS, then date him long distance for nearly a year. There were some pretty intense love letters making their way across the provinces in the 90’s.
My husband and I had to do long distance for about 4 months and although it was hard, it kind of strengthened our bond and confirmed we couldn’t live without each other.
Christar
said,
May 1, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Thank goodness, I’ve never had a long distance relationship. It would be so hard, especially to be the only one driving and paying. UGH! I would get annoyed with that too.
So, I’ve been too lazy to respond to your post on my blog. I just wanted to say THANK YOU!
We had such a fun, memorable time! I so wanted to go to Seattle, but we had a strict time schedule. 
BUT! We’re already planning to go back when they shoot the next movie, and hopefully we plan it better and have more time. I want to make it to Seattle next time and totally want to stalk you… or get together for lunch, whichever works best. 
Rachel
said,
May 1, 2008 at 8:36 pm
I have never had a long distance relationship and even if I wasn’t married I doubt I ever would. For the same reasons you have, I’m just too lazy.
Karen
said,
May 2, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I’ve been in one fore the past year: 3000 miles and a border apart (I’m in PA and he’s in Vancouver BC). We’ve made it work with prodigious IM-ing, Skype, and several flights. Six weeks apart seems to be the limit.
It’s actually been a good thing, though, and has helped us define things.
Six weeks without sex kind of sucks though.
Never thought I’d be looking into immigration issues, but there you go: I’m moving.