In which I try to figure out what it takes to have it allMarch 21st, 2008 @ 7:01 am
I was in my second trimester of my pregnancy with Babboo and enjoying a dinner out with my girlfriend, Smelly (seriously, not her name). I was filling my ever expanding belly with egg rolls and egg drop soup while watching Smelly chase your two year old around the restaurant. Smelly chatted with me while eating her dinner, coercing her kid to eat her own dinner, and cleaning up broken tea cups from her kid’s whirlwind tour of the restaurant.
I will never forget Smelly looking at my face and then my belly and then saying to me, with love, that she didn’t remember what her life was like before she became a mother. Smelly told me this like it was a good thing. I imagine she felt like this was something that me, an expectant mother, would find glorious to hear.
In reality it scared the shiz out of me.
I told Smelly, right then and there, that I never wanted to forget my personal identity, that I hoped to hold on forever to what it felt like to be Isabel. I vowed to myself, right then and there, to never lose myself in my roles of Mother, Wife, and Career-Women. I would always just be Isabel, who just happened to be married to The King and be Babboo’s mom.
I think about this night out with Smelly and her glorious promise of forgetting myself in motherhood time and time again. It came to mind, again, this morning while reading Frema’s latest post where she realizes her priorities and vows to take a break from her blog. I’m not sure why Frema’s post makes me think of Smelly, but it does.
I’ve blogged about Smelly’s proclamation before. And yet, I still can’t figure out what my final thoughts on it are. On one hand I’m madly in love with Babboo. I’m happy to be his Mom. I love The King and am happy to be His Wife. Yet on the other hand I really like Isabel. I like that she likes to read novels and wear pretty clothes. I like it when Isabel gets to walk, alone, around The City. I like that Isabel can sit on the couch and watch whatever the hell she wants on TV. I like that Isabel likes to go to the theater with her friends. I really, really like that Isabel gets to go to shows and meet people like Rhett Miller and Ben Lee.
And yet doing these things doesn’t really mesh with my roles of Mom to Babboo and Wife to The King.
I guess the reason’s Frema’s post made me think about my own roles was that Frema, who is a brand new mom, is struggling with this herself. I’ve been a mom for almost two years and I still don’t have it all figured out.
What is the typical time table for becoming an expert on your roles? How old must you be before you have it all figured out and forget the person you were before you were Wife and Mother? At what age is your first child when you become an expert on your responsibilities and how to balance them? Will I wake up on my 33rd birthday this year and instantly know how to be both Isabel and Babboo’s mom? Will it all hit me like a ton of bricks in the middle of singing “Happy Birthday” to Babboo next month?
My mom called me last night to make sure I’m adjusting to the pain from my crowns. She’s a good lady like that. My mom’s been a Mom for almost 36 years. She been a Wife for just as long. She has a career and hobbies and seems to know what’s up. I wonder how old she was when she got to this point? Was it before I was born? Or maybe after her forth, and final, child was born. Maybe it was a few years ago when the last of us got married, or maybe when her first grandchild was born.
And maybe, just maybe, she’s still learning.
So tell me, at what point do you expect to have it all figured out? Or maybe you never expect to.
They're just my family · They're just my friends · Me
heels
said,
March 21, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Never? Yeah- I think never. And I think that’s a GOOD thing. Who says I have to be the same person for everybody? Different people and different situations bring out different parts of myself, and I think that’s healthy and fun. I’d be afraid that I’d just get stagnant in my life if I got too comfortable. I like to stay on my toes in part so that I’m prepared a little better for anything unexpected.
Kim
said,
March 21, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Oh honey. I vote Never. It’s like the meaning of life - we’ll never figure it out. We think we have everything under control and then something happens to make us realize we don’t, and we regroup and try it again. People ask me how I’m still functioning after my past few months and my only answer is “because I have to.”
You can be Isabel and Mom and Wife - you can have separate “identies” but they all do intertwine and make you the Whole person that you are.
Marriage-101
said,
March 21, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Wow, Isabel! This is an excellent post. I’m still grappling with being married. I can’t imagine my life with kids right now, but I also can’t imagine my future without them, so I’m sure I will struggle with this as life goes on. I don’t think I’ll ever have it all figured out though.
Audrey
said,
March 21, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Whenever I think about this I remember a conversation I had with my mom shortly after I got engaged. Tim and I had decided to get married after I graduated college — which meant we’d have an almost-2-year engagement. My mom asked me why I wanted to wait until I graduated, and I told her “Getting married just feels like such a grown up thing to do, and I don’t feel like a grown up. I think I might feel more grown up after college.” Her response? “You know, I still don’t feel like a grown up.”
So I guess the answer to your question would be “never.” But I think that’s okay. And it sounds to me like you’re doing an awesome job at being Isabel, Babboo’s mother, and the King’s wife.
Laura
said,
March 21, 2008 at 8:39 pm
What is there to life if you’ve got it all figured out?
If it’s any consolation to you, I have a 4 year old and 2 year old and hubby and I went away to Thailand for 2 weeks for his brothers wedding WITHOUT THE GIRLS! I was worried that we wouldn’t know how to be us without the kids around, as if we hadn’t been an “us” for 7 years before we had kids. And you know what? It was as if we were right back then. And it happened right away.
Yes, we missed the kids like crazy (my whole vacation was spent looking for fun things to bring back to the girls). Yes, once they’ve popped out, your life isn’t going back. But we’re still the same people as we were, just a little more worn around the edges and lot more love in our hearts for 2 people other than ourselves.
Funny how that happened…
Molly
said,
March 21, 2008 at 9:06 pm
I do get what Smelly was saying, but I took it a little differently. It’s my guess that in the moment of chasing her daughter all around the restaurant, she needed to convey that all of the crazy you were witnessing was still somehow one of the best things that’s ever happened to her.
I don’t know that Frema is having as much of an identity crisis as much as she is trying to figure out how to structure her time at this point. (Though I could be wrong. What do I know?)
I’m finally learning to balance, just in the last year or two, with my oldest now at five, youngest at two, and one on the way. I know who I am as an individual, though I don’t think that has to be seperate from who I am as a mother, a wife, daughter, friend, double homeowner, former teacher. “I” am not a seperate entity from each of these things at different times, as there are obviously not fifteen different kinds of me’s. Every experience I’ve had in life has continued to constantly shape me, from my earliest experiences. When I am out to dinner with a girlfriend, I may not be functioning in a mother role at the moment, but it doesn’t take away from who I am as a mom, just as being a mom won’t take away from who I am as a friend. I may perceive or respond to something my friend says differently than I might have responded six years ago, because I have hopefully learned and changed through my experiences of raising a family, being a teacher, reading books, having conversations with other friends, traveling the country.
When I am with my children, I am the same person as when I am with my girlfriends. Sure, I don’t discuss some of the same topics, necessarily, but my job as a mother is to be exactly who I am, in order to teach my kids about the world. They know the words to my favorite songs, see me read my favorite books, enjoy long walks with me, smell candles in the candle store with me, and are sometimes the subjects of my favorite photographs. They will learn to love who they are, and be confident in themselves by seeing that in me. And of course I have the ability to experience the world apart from them when I choose, and I definitely do. But my daily experiences with my kids continue to shape who I am every bit as much as the last movie I saw and the last page I read in a book.
I get where you’re coming from, not wanting to be only mom all the time, who never leaves her boy, never enjoys the things she did before children, never apart from her spouse. I too struggled with it for my first few years as a mom. But once I learned to balance the time aspect, and then realized that I am all of who I am in any given situation, it began making everything all the more meaningful and enjoyable.
I wrote you a book. I’m sorry.
Ann
said,
March 21, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Your post got me thinking…I read an article in REAL SIMPLE just this morning about almost the same thing. This is my take on it: Our experiences define us, make us who we are. They don’t steal our identies, they ADD to it. Being a mother doesn’t make me any less of the “Ann that loves to go out to eat at cool restaurants”; and being a wife doesn’t take away the fact that I’m “Ann who loves to go shopping by herself for hours”, I still love to do those things, I just can’t do them as much as I would like to–FOR THE TIME BEING. I’m not going to be the mother of a toddler who makes restaurant-eating a hellish experience forever. In the same way, college didn’t steal my identity, it didn’t make me “a college student and nothing more”; it made me “Ann the girl who loves to __________, and who also happens to be a college student”. the experience made me discover more about my identity–about who I am–and motherhood is doing the same thing. Sure, I am giving up a lot for the time being, but in a way, I’m adding to myself, adding to my interests, experiences and knowledge. I’m certainly not giving up on doing things for myself forever, but I’m learning that the things I like to do, who I am, isn’t something that is definable at any one moment; I’m a constantly evolving project.
Nic
said,
March 21, 2008 at 10:27 pm
I’m NIc and I like cupcake. That’s pretty much all I’ve figured out so far. I don’t think you ever figure it all out, but you have to keep going, keep trying new things and just keep being you. I like what Molly said, she has to be HER to be a good mother…
Jezer
said,
March 22, 2008 at 12:13 am
My problem (is it really a problem, though?) is that I remember VIVIDLY what life was like before I had a baby. In fact, I also remember what life was like before I married the Mr. In the middle of a puke fest or a temper tantrum when the Mr. doesn’t get home from work until almost 8pm, memories of lounging on the couch or taking long walks after work pop in my mind. And I think, “that girl didn’t know diddly.” But she sure enjoyed life.
And now that Al is 2, I’m starting to feel like that same girl again. She’s still the same girl, only now she’s a little heavier and a little wiser and her house is way messier and her life is much, much more full. She’s still in there, though.
I was 32 when I married the Mr. and almost 35 when I had Al. Living alone for many years helped to solidify my OWN identity before venturing into the roles of wife and mother. Sure, I’m still evolving, but “who I am” is mostly the same.
I loved this post. It’s something I’ve thought about frequently during the past few months.
Keri
said,
March 22, 2008 at 12:25 am
I have a very hard time keeping the ‘Keri”. I have a hard time turning off the various roles I have and only focusing on me. And yet, I know how important it is for me to have me time & keep my identity. I almost cried when I read fremas post this am. I can vividly remember going back to work after my first (and I work from home!!! but when the sitter started coming and the struggle to manage it all) and the pain she is feeling really resonated. Anyway, so now 4 years and another child later, I feel like I am in a groove and dont have as much guilt, but I struggle now, more than ever w/balancing the roles, knowing when to say when, and keeping true to myself. I dont know the answer, but I wish I did.
Your post really makes you step back & think about all the different roles you play - how to balance. how to be better. how just to survive and be happy.
Elisette
said,
March 22, 2008 at 1:32 am
I never expect to figure it out. We (a group of moms) went rock climbing recently and one mom commented - ‘You really forget that you’re a mom because you’re so focused on right that moment and not falling.’ and I thought that was pretty cool. I remember not being a mom, and it looks so easy in hindsight. Wish I knew that then!
meritt
said,
March 22, 2008 at 2:30 pm
As you know, my three kids are now 17, 15 and 12.
For the first oh, 13 years I was like your friend smelly (seriously, not her real name) and I was so well, busy, being a Mom of three that it would have been impossible to find the time to just sit and think about life before I was a Mom.
But around oh, 3 years ago, when the kids were 14, 12 and 9 it just ‘happened’. I started to become “MERITT” again. I’m a Mom on one level, but on another I’m me… and being a wife and Mother has nothing to do with it. It wasn’t a conscious decision, it wasn’t forced… it was just a natural progression I think.
May
said,
March 22, 2008 at 10:32 pm
We’ve talked about this before, but my Mom gave up every part of herself when she became a mom. And while that’s great when you’re, like, five to have your mom be at your disposal, it’s not so great when you’re, like, 16 & need a good role model. Not that service & self-sacrifice & love isn’t important, but I wish I could see her happy and successful in something BESIDES loving her children. Seriously. So anyway, yeah, what Molly said…
Jenny, Bloggess
said,
March 23, 2008 at 2:55 am
God, I love this post.
I’m off every other friday and everyone is always like “Wow! That’s great that you can spend an extra day with Hailey” but actually, no. That’s my day to do things for me because if I forget who I am then I’m not going to have enough “me” to be a good mother. Does this make sense?
D.
said,
March 23, 2008 at 1:47 pm
u r happy with ur job n the amount of time u spend with ur son n husband. u r content with the service u give at church and taking time out for yourself.
u r living the lifestyle u choose to live n it works fine right now, right?
that is all that matters.
have a prayer in ur heart, re-evaluate ur priorities regularly and press on. eventually it’ll all make sense.
HollowSquirrel
said,
March 23, 2008 at 11:00 pm
i’m thinking it’s an on-going process…where sometimes being the mom is the most important thing to focus on and at other times, you may need to put yourself first…but never losing sight of the other roles. The fact that you’re having difficulty with it is a good thing, me thinks.
Anth
said,
March 24, 2008 at 4:37 am
I never expect to. I think the different parts of me will jostle for position until it all becomes moot.
Frema
said,
March 24, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Amen, Molly.
Kara’s so little right now that it’s hard for me to make any sweeping philosohpies about motherhood and identity, but I will say that being a mom hasn’t negated my likes/dislikes as a person. For some reason, I thought that having a child would mean I’d no longer be interested in shopping for pretty clothes or experimenting with skincare products or even wearing clean clothes. I thought I’d become this big hot mess that I’d have to be proud of because it shows tangible proof of my role as a mom. And now I realize that’s not true. Being Kara’s mom doesn’t mean it’s less important for me to take care of myself and nuture my own interests. If anything, it’s more important, because Kara has to learn from me (and Luke) that being a parent doesn’t mean devaluing yourself. Parenthood means balancing everyone’s needs, not just hers, and while she’s one of the greatest gifts of my life, her father and I are people, too, and it’s OK to take our needs into consideration.
I definitely plan on going back to my TypePad blog again; I just need to get through a little time-management hump right now. Right now, Kara’s bedtime and my bedtime are pretty much the same, and it doesn’t feel right to blog for an hour when I could be spending that time with her. But eventually she will grow more independent and go to bed earier, and there will be more time for me. There’s still time for me now, just not as much. And since giving myself permission to slack off in a few areas of my life, I’m already feeling much better.
Great post, Isabel!
Laurel
said,
March 24, 2008 at 2:45 pm
What a beautifully written post, Isabel. Speaking as a spectator to wife- and motherhood, you seem to have far better balance than a lot of other people I know. Maybe it’s one of those problems where just “admitting that it is a problem” is 90% of the battle.
Sizzle
said,
March 24, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I used to think I would figure it all out. That was when I was young (in my early 20s) and didn’t know better. Now I am pretty sure that there is no end to the figuring it out. You’re always learning. And that’s the great thing about being alive!
Becky..Absent Minded Housewife
said,
March 24, 2008 at 5:13 pm
I’ve been doing this Mom thing for 14 years…and roles change as they grow. Roles change with every addition. Roles change as life changes. Roles change when your 14 year old gets hairy and starts shaving.
It is far easier, identity wise, when they grow to be schoolaged and don’t need your constant watching eyes so much. A little ability to decipher logic goes a long way.
Though I never did have much trouble remaining ME. I know so many new mothers that associate motherhood with guilt, and doing anything beyond caring for that newborn as selfish. That sort of idea just didn’t occur to me. It just comes down to that feeling being a choice. You can entertain it, or you can tolerate and dispose of it.
I think I do a disservice to my children by just showing them my role as Mom. It’s important to show them Wife, and Becky, and Adult. They learn so much from it.
Christar
said,
March 24, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I have no idea how to answer that question, because I feel like I’m still so new to life. I’m not a mom or a wife yet, but I agree with Mrs. Squirrel… you have to have a balance of everything. My mom has devoted her entire life to my brother and I, and you have no idea how guilty it makes me feel. She never puts herself first, or even second. The older I get, the more and more I try to convince her that she needs to put herself first at times.
Tracee Sioux
said,
March 25, 2008 at 5:58 pm
How old must you be before you have it all figured out and forget the person you were before you were Wife and Mother?
I found it’s not as much about your age as your child’s - as they get older they need you less and you naturally feel less pulled in their direction. This allows more time and energy to be invested in other things. My daughter is 6 and my son is too - as they get older and need me less I feel more myself.
I just wrote about A New Earth and in chapter 4 “roles” are discussed. Your roles as “wife” and “mother” aren’t “you.” So, you’re onto something there. http://traceesioux.blogspot.com/2008/03/roles-we-play-new-earth-community.html
If one wants to hold onto one’s self it might be best to stop referring to one’s husband as The King. (I notice you did not refer to your own self as The Queen but as His Wife. No judgement and hopefully you’re only kidding - I’m just saying. )
Rachel
said,
March 25, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Let me first say that I never expect to have it all figured out.
While I sometimes wonder where I would be had I never had kids or gotten married (who doesn’t), it’s really hard to imagine. Although I am still Rachel, I am also a mother and wife. That is part of the person I am now. I don’t know that getting married and having kids changed me so much as growing older changed me. But I still have the same sense of humor, still like the same music, same clothes, I still love to read and hang out with my friends.
I don’t know. Maybe what I am saying doesn’t make any sense. That happens to me alot. I know that for the most part I like the person I’ve become. I’ve been a mom for 7 years and still mess up. I still get stressed. I still get frustrated and flustered. I am always thinking about what needs to be done next, laundry, cooking, cleaning, blah blah blah. But, I also get sweet kisses from my girls. I get to be the person that Alyssa hands her empty cup to saying “heah mama”. I think that’s what Smelly was trying to say. Even though they will run you ragged sometimes, they can melt your heart anyways and nothing could be better.
metalia
said,
March 26, 2008 at 2:28 am
I don’t have any great wisdom here, just wanted to say that I totally empathize and relate to what you’re saying.
Ashley
said,
March 26, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Great post.. Are we all going through this as mothers?
Abbie
said,
March 26, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Won’t it be nice if life came with a manual? My son is 12 and what I thought I had figured out when he was 11years and 11 months changed on me.*that quick*…the only thing I have figured out is my expectation that at 12years and 1 month something WILL change again on me “that quick” and the fact that I can still remain Abbie even though I have no problem embracing change.