In which I try to not offer sage advice to my sisterMarch 18th, 2008 @ 7:01 am
When my first husband and I got engaged, we quickly choose our wedding date. We picked a Friday in December. I can’t remember why December, but for whatever reason, that’s what we both wanted. We talked about having Christmas trees at the wedding reception and sleighs to carry the gifts. We wanted to serve hot cider and popcorn balls. We both really wanted a festive December wedding.
Since Suede (obviously not his real name) was younger then I was, it meant that his older sister and I were the same age. We were the same age, but she seemed so much older then I was. Maybe it was because, at 23, she was already on her second husband. Oh yes, being married to your second husband at that age probably makes you a little older then your years. I didn’t know Suede’s older sister well at all. The first time I met her was after we were engaged. Even though she lived a few miles away, she sort of kept to herself. That was fine by me since she wasn’t really my style. And by that I mean if I didn’t have to talk to a person like that, I probably never would.
The first time I met Suede’s sister Jenny (again, not her real name) she asked us if we had picked our wedding date yet. We told her about our plans for a festive holiday wedding in December with reds and greens and Santa hats. She immediately began telling us why we should have our wedding in November and have it be more fall-themed. She talked about colors of orange, leaves, pumpkins and twinkly lights. While these things are all lovely, they really have nothing to do with the Christmas-themed that Suede and I had already decided on.
That night, after Jenny had left, Suede started saying that maybe we should move our wedding date up to November based on what Jenny had said. I wasn’t sure why he had this sudden change of heart. I didn’t understand how his older sister, who wasn’t involved in his life at all, could have such a hold on him.
Suede and I got married, in December (thankyouverymuch). Jenny didn’t come to our wedding ceremony. She told her mom the reason was that she had to work that day. She told Suede (in front of me) the reason was that she didn’t think our marriage would last, so why bother taking the day off work.
She was awesome like that. (And also, right.)
After Suede and I were married, Jenny continued to stay out of our day-to-day lives. Sure we saw her at family functions, but never ever did we hang out with her on our own. If I were to run into her at the local store, I would have avoided her like the plague. I imagine she felt the same way, for whatever reason.
The problem was that Jenny still had this weird hold on Suede. He longed to be accepted by her and her rocker husband. Jenny would call Suede at work and offer him all sorts of advice on things that we didn’t need advice on. She would tell him that we needed to buy a new car. Or buy a new couch. Or buy a snowmobile. Or buy a truck. Or buy a house. All things that we couldn’t afford at the time. And really, things that didn’t fit into the lifestyle that Suede and I had. Suede would listen to her and come home to tell me that we should get a loan for this. Or a loan for that. Or spend money on this. We were young and newly married and broke. We didn’t need to be spending money on things, and we for sure didn’t need to be getting any loans.
Thankfully I was always able to talk some sense into Suede and remind him that we didn’t need to follow Jenny’s (unsolicited) advice. When Jenny got pregnant and had her kid, things got even worse. She felt like Suede and I should divorce, and she told him often. She was even awesome enough to call me on the phone (the only time she ever called me) and tell me that Suede never loved me. He had never told her this, but for whatever reason, she felt she had the right to tell me this.
If you haven’t picked up on it, I’m saying that Jenny sucked. And she sucked hard. She was a thorn in my side for many years. Of course divorcing her brother didn’t make her go away. It only fueled the fires and she tried even harder to make my life miserable.
What I disliked most about Jenny was the advice she would give. And it wasn’t just advice, it was as if we had to do what she said. She wasn’t just saying “you should wear more blue. It brings out your eyes.” She was saying “if you don’t buy a snowmobile the world will end and you will die.” Nobody needs that kind of advice.
I think about this aspect of Jenny’s personality from time to time when I find myself being too generous with my own unsolicited advice. While I know that I’m not being malicious, like Jenny was, I also know that not everyone cares what I have to say. (Gasp! I know.)
My younger sister and her (awesome) husband are in the process of buying their first house right now. They are young and haven’t ever done anything like this before. Buying a house is a big deal. It’s also something The King and I done once or twice. They are signing the papers for the house next week and moving in the week after that. She is nervous, but excited to pack up their crappy apartment and move into a house. She called me to tell me how the inspection went and called me to tell me about the loans going through. She’s really kept me in the loop with her new house.
The problem with my sister keeping me in the loop is that I’m dying to offer her advice on the new house. I keep asking her what color she’s going to paint the rooms and she keeps saying that she’s not worried about painting. I die a little inside each time she says this. It’s all I can do to not scream “painting is very important and should be done BEFORE you move in!” (I’m sort of a painting nazi.) I’ve asked her what her plans are for the set up of her new house, I’ve asked her about the closet space. She is new to all of this and just doesn’t get why I think it’s important. It’s killing me.
I’m trying to not be like Suede’s sister Jenny. I’m trying to not offer my younger sister all my wisdom. Because, the truth is, I might be the only one that thinks of it as wisdom. To my sister it’s just unsolicited advice, and she doesn’t need to hear it.
Even if it does come from the heart.
So tell me, what’s your secret to holding your tongue when it comes to offering unsolicited advice to family and friends? Or do you just go for it and share it?
————————
Thanks to everyone’s well-wishes for the hives that covered my face yesterday. Thankfully they are now gone. The pain is still there, but no big red blotchy hives. The dentist wasn’t sure what caused them. Awesome, thanks doctor. Looks like I’m on the hunt for a new dentist in the Seattle area.
I’m giddy about my plans for tonight. I’m going to see “Mamma Mia” with the founders of SeattleMomBlogs. Dude, it’s going to rock.
Back in the Day · They're just my family
Kim
said,
March 18, 2008 at 5:26 pm
It’s hard, isn’t it? I find myself saying things and then thinking later “oh I hope I didn’t hurt their feelings.” However, I doubt that your suggestion of painting before you move in will be construed the same was as a suggestion about buying a snowmobile. Painting before you move in makes sense. Snowmobile…not so much.
Olivia
said,
March 18, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I would just preface the advice with “this is just a suggestion….” My mom did that for me when I bought my first house. It drove home the point that she had ideas on how to do things, but in the end it was my decision.
sizzle
said,
March 18, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Um, I have a horrible time biting my tongue. I can’t help you on this one!
Keri
said,
March 18, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I dont think that your suggestions would be presented like Suede’s sister, so I wouldnt think would be construed that way.
I try not to give too much assvice about breastfeeding. Usually if I do, I try to mention that I bf my first & my milk never came in w/my second so I couldnt, so I understand both sides of the “issue” . I figure the last thing new mom’s need is another opinion - yet sometimes I offer it, i just try to be sensitive.
Rhi
said,
March 18, 2008 at 7:30 pm
First of all, I am pretending that Suede’s sister’s name is Lace. Suede and Lace. Those are lovely names to give siblings.
I’m usually REALLY good about holding my tongue, for two reasons. 1) my mom is constantly giving me decorating advice and it’s horrible. She has the gaudiest, most cluttered house ever. Also, I do not like animal prints or toile.
2) I like to keep all the good ideas to myself so my house is prettiest.
marci
said,
March 18, 2008 at 7:34 pm
You have the best advice! Keep handing it out whether people want it or not!
J/K. I find myself in the same boat… with Blayke getting married it is all I can to to not butt in and give my two cents. Not that she would listen- the only person she listens to is herself. I guess you just have to sit back and let them make their own decisions, then when they wish they would have done it differently you can think to yourself “Hah! I could have told you that!!!” And then feel so much older and wiser!
Fraulein N
said,
March 18, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Well there’s giving advice, and then there’s being Queen of the Sucky People like Suede’s sister. I’m sure you know how to provide loving, valuable advice without being evil about it. And whoever you provide with said advice can always take it or leave (and regret) it.
Nic
said,
March 18, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Advice giving is a total downfall of mine. I give advice without even thinking about it because I love to help.
Your ex-SIL, however, just sounds like a jerk.
Danielle
said,
March 18, 2008 at 10:30 pm
I’m confused. Was there really Santa Hate at your wedding? Or were there Santa Hats?
She Likes Purple
said,
March 18, 2008 at 11:13 pm
I’m so glad I found your blog—what a great first post to read.
I’m the youngest and my husband and I were the last to get married in his large (and totally well-intentioned) family. We get just heaps and piles and GOBS of unsolicited advice. And we’re trying to get knocked up and we’re the last to do that and OH MY—advice is FLYING at all hours of the day. We appreciate every well-intentioned piece of advice that comes out of love and I’m sure your sister would appreciate it too. It’s easy to see the difference between people who care and genuinely want to help and people who just like being thorns in everyone’s sides. But, I’ve always found it’s best to give it only when it’s asked for. Not that I adhere to that—oh goodness, no.
Lindsay
said,
March 19, 2008 at 12:09 am
I try VERY hard to not give people advice they don’t ask for unless I think the situation is dire. The reason? I’m trying not to become my father. To his credit, he has never in his life been as cruel and just completely ridiculous as your ex sister in law. But still. He crushes my excitement about things for no apparent reason other than he thinks he knows what’s best. Did you know that I bought the wrong color car? Did you know there WAS such a thing? Well, there isn’t. But he thinks there is. Excitement officially crushed.
So yeah, I’m trying not to become him. That’s how I manage to keep my mouth shut. (unless of course I’m asked - in which case I have an opinion about just about EVERYTHING!)
Man, I love him… but boy does he drive me insane sometimes.
sigh.
Stephanie
said,
March 19, 2008 at 2:15 am
I am such an advice giver. And I hate it. I feel like there are moments, when completely unintentionally, I am playing one upmanship (which I hate). There are moments when I have to make a concerted effort to keep my freaking mouth shut. Dang, it sucks, good thing I have a blog where I can completely give my advice on every subject whether neccesary or not.
Durga
said,
March 19, 2008 at 2:28 am
u had hives on ur face???????? omgoosh!!!!!!! whatz going on?
my elder s-i-l gives useless unsolicited advice. she relies on my husband’s parents financially to run her family n even had the audacity to have a 4th child last month when she&husband can’t afford to feed the ones they’ve got without parental/government/church assistance. i avoid her as much as possible cos she tries her best to rip me off too.
families r forever huh? ummhmmm.
Jenny
said,
March 19, 2008 at 5:36 am
This post makes me sorry MY name is Jenny!
Ishani
said,
March 19, 2008 at 9:31 am
I have been reading your blog for a while and I love it.
I had a similar situation in my family with my paternal grandmother poking in her stupid nose everywhere it did not belong. It was trully a pain to see her lurk around like that, waiting to pounce in advise. she would feed me stuff I hated, that my mom knew i hated, that even she knew i hated. But she drew some kind of wierd sadistic pleasure out of the entire situation.
I think you should ask your sister if you could help her make the decisions. Since she is new to all of this, she might actually take you up on that, or not. But it wouldn’t hurt to try, casually, to ask her since you have the said wisdom to impart.
Frema
said,
March 19, 2008 at 11:22 am
MY sister is pregnant with her first child, so you can imagine all the well-meaning advice I’d like to share with her, mainly to GET A NEW DOCTOR because he sounds like an idiot. He told her NOT to take prenatals until she was two months along, and when she shared concerns about some spotting she experienced in her first trimester, he actually said, “Don’t worry. You won’t losing the f*cking baby.” This, after it took her more than two years to get pregnant in the first place. Swell guy, huh? Plus, she says the average wait time for an appointment is two and a half hours. HOURS! Can you imagine?
But for some reason she’s comfortable with him, so I’ve tried to hold my tongue. Somebody give me a gold star.
HollowSquirrel
said,
March 19, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Holy WHAT, Frema? Your sister’s doc said that to her? Are you kidding me? He sounds like a ginormous ass.
OK, back to you, Isabel. Ugh…well, you’ll never be a Jenny, so no worries. Have you tried a bit of mild advice to see how she reacts? Maybe save the most crucial advice for telling her and bite back the rest??? I’m bad at advice in general. See?
Laurel
said,
March 19, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Right now, my sister is living in a hut in Namibia. This is BRILLIANT because I can simply pour my unsolicited advice into letters that she won’t get for at least a month and can’t respond to immediately. It works for me.
In general, though, we have taken such different paths, that I haven’t had a ton of advice to offer her. When she was considering getting a PR job, I had tons of input on resume, cover letter, job seeking strategy, but once she decided on the Peace Corps, what the heck did I know?
Casey
said,
March 19, 2008 at 4:08 pm
My brothers are both much younger than myself and they are not even remotely interested in anything I have to contribute. They adore me, they simply don’t want to hear it. They have told me numerous times before, “You’d *never* understand. It’s different.” If only they knew… Their least favorite lectures from me pertain to employment.
Audrey
said,
March 19, 2008 at 4:14 pm
This is a tough one. I can’t think of any things that I tend to give unsolicited advice on, but that just makes me worry that I’m doing it without realizing it. One thing I know I have a problem with, that I am working on, is my tone of voice when I’m explaining something that is obvious to me to someone else. I have a tendency to get frustrated when they don’t understand and my tone starts to imply that they’re a moron for not getting this concept that is so obvious to me. I’m working hard on it, because I know it’s totally bitchy of me, but it’s difficult at times, especially when the person I’m trying to explain to tends to annoy me anyway. This is why I could never ever been a teacher.
Molly
said,
March 19, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I’m the oldest of four siblings in my family, but even though I’ve got the life experience on my side (the only one who’s moved out, married, and has kids, actually) they tend to get aggravated more than anything with my advice. I suppose everyone thinks they know what’s best for themselves, right? My younger brother is happy to have my mom still deposit his paycheck and make sure his bills are paid (he’s 25, mind you) and so it goes. I’m learning to not interfere, even if it sometimes involves taping my mouth closed. ;o)
heidikins
said,
March 19, 2008 at 5:05 pm
I have two different versions of “how to not come across as soliciting unsolicited advice to family members, friends, or strangers”
Option A) Eliminate the word “should” from any statement. Replace it with a statement that reflects my own personal taste, and my taste only, not my thoughts. For example “I love snowmobiling, Handsome and I always have a blast when we go” instead of “You should buy a snowmobile, I think they are awesome.”
Option B) Simply ask if they are talking to talk, or talking to get advice. If someone is talking about something that I may have an opinion on -and especially if it’s a touchy or important subject- before speaking I usually ask if they would like to know my thoughts on the subject, or if they have already pretty much made up their mind.
Really… option A works the best for me, unless it’s something Super Serious and I really really would like to offer some advice, but then I usually ask.
Good luck!
(And I totally agree with you on painting before moving in)
xox
kimblahg
said,
March 19, 2008 at 5:23 pm
oh i’m terrible at holding my tongue when i want to give advice. i feel like it wells up in my throat and i want to shout out every unsolicited opinion that springs to mind. i have literally bit my tongue before to keep from saying something. i also find checking my voice mail, grabbing a beer (if at a party although the more i drink, the less likely i will shut up) or standing around outside with the smokers distracts me enough to be socially acceptable. your ex sister-in-law sounds like a real piece of work. congrats on not punching her.
velocibadgergirl
said,
March 19, 2008 at 5:31 pm
No one approves of my sister’s boyfriend, and yet my sacred duty as her sister is to bite my tongue and let her make her own choices. He isn’t abusive or damaging to her (if he was, mark me, he’d be long dead and chopped into fish food), it’s just that he is so unworthy of the awesomeness that is my sister. And yet, I can’t simply call her up daily and demand that she dump him. It’s HARD sometimes.
Rachel
said,
March 19, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I cannot get past Frema’s little sis’s doc!! WTH!!
As for assvice, it depends on who I may potentially give it to. If it is my bff, I tell it like it is, I don’t force my opinions on her or anything, but if she asks I will tell her. She knows, however, that if she doesn’t listen to my advice, it’s not going to bother me and she will tell me if she doesn’t agree. Our relationship just works like that.
Most other people, I will offer if asked, but sometimes, I offer no matter what. I just can’t help it!
Christar
said,
March 19, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I hate, hate getting unwanted advice. Especially when it’s not really ‘advice’, when it’s ‘I’m~rubbing~in~your~face~how~much~better~I~think~my~family~and~I~than~you’. Like my cousin and her husband. They think they’re better than everyone and think that the way they live is so much more superior than everyone else. We used to be inseperable, but now I can’t stand to be around her. Ugh!
amieablea
said,
March 23, 2008 at 3:20 am
I tend to fall on the “gives more advice than necessary” so I try to reign it in.
But now I need your advice. You are a painting Nazi? Any advice for me? I get to paint the inside of my new rental house.
amieable
said,
March 23, 2008 at 3:23 am
Der I can’t even spell my own moniker.