If I could only reach this darn itch to scratch itMarch 13th, 2008 @ 7:01 am
One of my best friend’s younger brother had an affair during his seventh year of marriage. Their marriage didn’t survive the affair and they have since divorced. My friend, let’s call her Noel, is married and sitting back and watching her brother’s marriage fail was hard on her. Not only was Noel sad to see her brother and his family suffer, she was entering into the seventh year of her own marriage and started to question whether or not she was also going to also get The Itch.
Noel was worried that the Seven Year Itch might be a genetic disorder.
Of course it isn’t genetic and Noel and her husband are well into their tenth year of marriage and seem to be doing just fine. Maybe even better then fine. They have three gorgeous kids and a happy life together. I may, or may not, even be a little jealous of their life.
Last weekend, while having dinner over at some friend’s house the conversation turned to a discussion about The Itch. According to our friend (and apparently science) if you make it past the seventh year of marriage, you’re in the clear. As in, science has proven that the odds of a couple staying married after seven years goes up substantially. (Okay, so I don’t have anything to back this up. But hey, it was my friend who told us this. And he doesn’t lie. I don’t think.)
My sister sent me an e-mail on Tuesday morning informing me that the parents of one of her closest friends had split up. She was very upset to hear this, as was I. This was a wonderful couple that have been an example to me through the years. While I don’t know them that well, I’ve watched them from afar and been so impressed. They are the parents to nine kids and have been married well over forty years.
And they couldn’t make it.
While talking to my mother about this couple yesterday she and I both discussed our surprise and sadness over the end of their marriage. I figured that if you’d made it through forty years and nine kids, what’s another few more years? I mean, suck it up and move into the spare room, but stay married, right? My mom mentioned maybe not wanting to spend your Golden Years not talking to your spouse and pretending things are good just because.
Okay, all valid points. But still, if you’d made it that long…why can’t you make it a little longer?
I’m not sure what all makes a marriage of twenty, thirty, or forty years stressful. I don’t know what things come up to wear you down. I know the things that make a seven year marriage stressful. Things like careers, young children, families, home ownership, and just plain adjusting to married life. I can understand how that is a rough point in any relationship. I can also see why science says that if you can make it through those tough times, you can make it through anything.
The King and I have been married seven and a half years.
While I don’t think either one of us is feeling any type of Itch (outside of maybe some hair regrowth), I am feeling the stress of life right now.
Here’s hoping that we continue to keep our eyes on the prize and stay the course. Because, really, I know it’s worth it. And I want it.
So tell me, what are the stresses in your relationships? Go on, spill the beans, it’s safe here at holaisabel.com.
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And check out my latest New Thing (a mini-facial with my pregnant girlfriend) with pictures of me in a robe at the spa. (Dude, I’ll post anything for the interweb!)
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Just ’cause I absolutely love the picture she drew of me, check out my spotlight over at FluentBrittish. (Did you all see that Britt got a real live comment from the totally awesome Jorge Garcia on her blog. It really was him. She verified it and everything. Holy cow.)
Random · The King · They're just my family · They're just my friends
carly
said,
March 13, 2008 at 4:08 pm
My parents lasted 24 years. My dad was/is a jerk who was unfaithful.
As for my stresses… well you know about three of them. The piss and poop and bark and stink up my house.
And really that’s about it. I love my husband and he is good to me but he does not compromise well.
anna
said,
March 13, 2008 at 4:08 pm
We’ve passed the 7 year itch by a few years. Really, there wasn’t an itch though. I think that could happen at any year in marriage. Sometimes people grow apart instead of together. Greg and I usually agree on the big stuff that helps out with the stress tremendously. You already named the main stress points (income, how to raise children). My biggest issue was getting over some of my jealousy that Greg got to stay home with the kids while I have been the income provider. That’s a hurdle that was long ago jumped.
Brittany
said,
March 13, 2008 at 4:16 pm
I’m totally paranoid about the seven year itch because that’s what destroyed both mine and Scotty’s families. I understand why Noel would worry that it’s genetic. Any time I do anything that remotely resembles my mom’s behavior, I get paranoid that I’m enough like her that I would make the same stupid mistake.
Dude! Scotty is my life, and I really don’t think we’ll ever have to worry about it, but I still get nervous because no one ever thought my mom would do it either. Ugly stuff!
We’re approaching year six.
heels
said,
March 13, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Our seventh year actually was tough, but now we’re at 11.5 and doing alright. I have plenty of complaints about my husband’s behavior, but voicing them just doesn’t seem fair. I’m afraid that when I explain how he frustrates me that people get the wrong idea about him. As annoying as some of his traits are, he’s, at heart, a wonderful person. And that says it all- he’s a PERSON. With FLAWS. I have to remember that I have them too (you’re shocked. I know! I DO seem perfect, don’t I?!).
CPA Mom
said,
March 13, 2008 at 4:21 pm
You nailed the stresses of a beginning marriage…”careers, young children, families, home ownership, and just plain adjusting to married life” - I can add in (for us) - tax season, not enough time to spend alone together, lack of money…But it’s all worth it…
Dude, that is really Jorge Garcia’s blog? For reals???? (I’m renting Season 3 to watch while I’m recouperating from surgery so I can get caught up for the current season. I’m lost without my LOST.)
Erika
said,
March 13, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I think like you…after that long, why can’t you stick it out? I used to not think much about divorce…luckily it didn’t happen to my parents (although it was my dad’s second marriage). But then I got married and I realized how sad it would be for all of your plans and dreams to go down the tubes (no matter how or why the marriage ended…it had to start with something hopeful!). THEN I had a kid, and OMG, the thought of one of us having to be away from Sherman either every other weekend or every week…almost breaks my heart. It’s enough to make me stay married (unless of course it was an abusive relationship).
But then when you’re older and the kids can take care of themselves…isn’t it time to be selfish again? My grandparents were barely speaking to each other at the end of their lives (and 60-year marriage), and one time my mom asked my grandmother (her mother-in-law) why they had stayed married. Grandma said “because I didn’t want to hear my father say ‘I told you so’.” (They were also Catholic.)
Marilyn
said,
March 13, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I’ve heard that sometimes after a couple has raised children and are finally alone that they realize they have nothing in common anymore, nothing to talk about. I guess this is why so many parenting books stress keeping your relationship alive with your spouse while you’re raising kids.
Nic
said,
March 13, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Well, I’m not in a relationship, but I can tell you that this terrifies me. My parents are divorced and well, they have been really, really bad relationship role models since. For me, divorce is kind of the norm and that’s not something I like. I’m interested to read all of the responses to this.
Art Nerd
said,
March 13, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Our main stresses are money (us and the rest of the world, I suppose) and some communication differences. Additionally, I feel horribly guilty that I really love my job and don’t have to work very many hours per week, while Kev has a crappy, 12-hour-shift, 3am-3pm job. That’s why I’d never ever ever make him quit his bands, I don’t care how much it costs, it makes him as happy as teaching makes me.
Angela
said,
March 13, 2008 at 5:31 pm
I wonder what it is about seven years? Is it just that the newness has worn off and the habits of marriage are boring? I’ve only been married for five months, so I think we’re okay for a little while, but we’ve been in a relationship for over five years… so do you have to be married for seven years or just together for that long? (Clearly these are all rhetorical questions–unless you’re some kind of wizened old woman on the mountain, in which case, by all means, clear things up for me!!) My father’s first marriage ended at the seven year point, and even though his marriage to my mom has lasted for almost 25, for some reason, The Seven Year Itch has always freaked me out.
Loralee
said,
March 13, 2008 at 5:41 pm
One thing I have learned is that you NEVER know what goes on in a marriage.
That couple that split up after 40 years? I am sure that they knew they were looked up to as a couple and didn’t do it lightly. To me, to actually make that split after so long says it was probably something that should have been done long ago and was obviously a big deal for them to NOT stay in it. Maybe they wanted to try for some happiness before they die?
Approaching mortality makes people look at their lives differently, for sure.
I’m sad for them. I hope they didn’t just stick it out for so long to keep up appearances.
Monica
said,
March 13, 2008 at 6:15 pm
My hubby and I hit a ruff spot around our 7th anniversary. It wasn’t anything major, but for us it was ruff. I learned two things from it:
1. Always look for the good in the other person. When I stopped looking for the good, I started to forget how wonderful he really is.
2. Don’t let myself be offended. Easier said than done, I know but it really works. When your hubby does or says something that offends you, you are assuming the worst in them. To be offended you have to assume that they meant to hurt you, or were trying to be mean. It is easier to let it roll of by telling yourself, “that was probably a miss understanding, he couldn’t have really meant it that way.” This way you don’t harbor unnecessary hurt.
This may not work for everyone, but it sure helped save our marriage from the negative course we were on.
Christar
said,
March 13, 2008 at 7:03 pm
I think every relationship has it’s good points and it’s bad… And I think it’s normal for those to vary depending on the couple. But I do have to say that I am very grateful to have a boyfriend that I know I never have to worry about getting ‘itchy’. He may not express it all the time (like all guys), but I know he loves me and I know I mean the world to him.
Not the Queen
said,
March 13, 2008 at 7:29 pm
I’ve heard about the 7-year thing, too. I think the reason a lot of long-term marriages fail is because of the husband and wife being so disconnected after the kids grow up. All of a sudden, couples are left with just one other person in the house whom they barely know anymore. It’s sad, but not uncommon anymore (which is even sadder).
Keri
said,
March 13, 2008 at 7:52 pm
my parents divorced after 20+ years of marriage. It was such a painful time for me - - bc I was in highschool & none of my friends parents were , so I was so embarassed, etc.
Anyway, so now, I realized recently that my parents divorce impacted me so much more than I was willing to admit. I realized how much I dislike conflict (especially with my husband) & will do anything to avoid it b/c I have a fear that if we disagree that means we will split up. The thing is that I know its irrational, but I can’t help it.
So, I think that prob one of our biggest stresses is my fear of conflict, which means that sometimes I hold things in vs a simple discussion.
Sorry for pouring that all out in your comments section…
Sugared Harpy
said,
March 13, 2008 at 8:04 pm
I can’t even wrap my head around sticking it out in a marriage that long just for what? To say you are still married and pat yourself on the back? To remain miserable? I don’t get WHY the idea of marriage is just that fantastic that the reality of it is killing you and you stay together for an idea that isn’t working out for you.
Like someone above said, if a marriage splits after 20 or 40 years, chances of them trying to work it out are extremely high and the chances that it should have ended much sooner are extremely high.
We all struggle and embrace joy in our relationships, those in very long marriages know that more than the rest of us.
Rhi
said,
March 13, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I didn’t have the best role models in the marriage department. My mother has been divorced 4 times. So, I can honestly say, I am not certain that I’ll ever marry for this very reason. That puts a damper on having kids. But I won’t marry someone unless I’m sure it’s permanent. It SO frustrates me that people divorce like they do left and right. I have several of my friends who are my age (29!) and have been divorced TWICE!! Unbelievable!
janet
said,
March 13, 2008 at 9:27 pm
This is a really interesting post and you’ve gotten some great comments. We are in the 2nd year of marriage, and no kids yet means that our biggest stress is probably money. I know there are years ahead of us that will be much more stressful, so I view these years as ones in which we will learn to be a good partnership and solidify that. I hope. Marriage is always a work in progress and I think it can be hard at any point if you start to feel disconnected or stop communicating.
Elisette
said,
March 13, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Let’s see, we got engaged December 2002, two days later he was laid off, he didn’t work our whole engagement (nine months), got married, got pregnant unexpectedly, his father died, his grandmother died, we bought a house, he went back to school, and we had a baby in Feb 2005. After THOSE two years, I feel like life has been cake lately.
Biggest problem? I don’t let myself laugh with him enough, I get all serious about “what we need to get done”.
Chas
said,
March 13, 2008 at 10:19 pm
I don’t really think of anything as a real stressor in our relationship. We’re only at six and a half years though, so watch out! Haha. Seriously, I think after trying to have kids for three years, being told we would never be able to, and then spending close to $40,000 over the last two and a half years in fertility treatments we’ll be able to get through just about anything…but even all that didn’t really seem to put stress on the relationship, just on our individual emotions and of course our bank account.
I haven’t been watching Real Housewives of NY…I can’t imagine how different they’ll be than the ladies from Cali. I need to set my DVR to record it.
Oh, and how cool about the comment from Jorge!! Dude!!
moosh in indy.
said,
March 14, 2008 at 12:17 am
I think anyone can make it, if they are willing to give up selfishness. It’s when I get selfish that things get rocky for me. While everything should always go the way I want it to, I’m willing to bend here and there.
Heh.
It’s so tricky, and I’ve learned all to well that those who seem to have it good don’t and those who seem all screwy are the ones that last.
Ann
said,
March 14, 2008 at 3:41 am
Wow. Approaching on year 4, I have to say that money is definitely our biggest stress. Kids haven’t been so much yet, but we only have 1. I personally feel stressed out because I’m always trying to make sure Jeff is happy that I stay at home…. you know, the whole Bree Van de Kamp thing… I wish I could make a really good lemon meringue pie, have my house be spotless and my sheets ironed. Maybe someday.
Melain
said,
March 14, 2008 at 4:14 am
I TOTALLY had a 7 year itch! We hit our 8 year mark last month. I felt like I had crossed some sort of invisible finish line. I don’t know what it was about that 7th year, but I got SO restless. I’m super adventurous and Jonathan is super chill. I really felt the boredom that year. I started going out every week with my friends, started noticing how often I “got noticed”… Fortunately I have a great enough guy that I got through it with no incidents. But there was no denying the presence of that Infamous Itch!
SJ
said,
March 14, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Money is/was probably our biggest stress. And sometimes maybe our differences on raising the kids. We’ll celebrate our 9th year of marriage this year, so we’ve made it past the 7 year itch with flying colors however, marriage is hard work period and you have to work on it every single day. I can’t say it’s been super easy, we’ve had our rough moments for sure.
meritt
said,
March 14, 2008 at 1:46 pm
LOL where you say ‘come on you… you can tell me, it’s safe here!’ -
- you know, it’s not like it’s the public internet or anything! Bah ha ha ha.
Well, I may be 37 but Coffeehusband and I will be married 20 years in July. TWENTY YEARS!
I don’t remember 7 being hard at all and although we drive each other insane sometimes I don’t think either of us have EVER gotten ‘that itch’. You know… ‘THAT’ one. I may go through times where I think he’s an idiot and I was even more of an idiot for staying with someone would could act like such an idiot… (you know, during major house projects, car repairs… hee hee hee) but that ITCH?
No… not yet. LOL.
Rachel
said,
March 14, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I guess our biggest stress is money. But, who doesn’t have that stress. But, Chris and I have had money problems before and we work through them together. Not without some yelling and arguing, but together. Also, I think I take things to seriously sometimes and we don’t have as much fun together as we could. But that’s my fault. I don’t really worry about the itch. I think you have to work to make marriage work and make it happy no matter how long you’ve been married.
As far as what your mom said about not wanting to spend your golden years not talking to your spouse just because, I totally agree. My grandparents have been married for 52 or 53 years. And, they basically can’t stand each other. The bicker, they argue, they complain, they sleep in separate rooms. It’s ridiculous. They are both miserable, but would never do anything to change it. I do not want to live like that, you know?
gorillabuns
said,
March 15, 2008 at 2:58 am
So you’re saying I’m in the clear due to the fact we will be celebrating our 8th anniversary this year? I sure hope so.
Laurel
said,
March 17, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Well, I am not married yet, but AS and my biggest stress is definitely money! He is an entrepreneur, which is sometimes very scary for me–someone who is very dedicated to earning a regular paycheck! At the same time, though, his unpredictable career and financial situation helps me loosen up. (Of course, he is a skilled engineer and could get a “real” job pretty easily at any point, so there is always a safety net.) Even though the money / career issue is a part of our relationship where we have to do a lot of negotiating, I feel like it makes us each better as individuals and as a couple to discuss it and work on it.
In which I ask you if you attended my wedding(s) | hola, isabel
said,
March 20, 2008 at 5:10 pm
[...] Last week I wrote a little post about The Seven Year Itch in a marriage. In this post I briefly talked about a couple I know in real life who are getting a divorce. I didn’t share anything too personal about this couple. Nothing about where they live, what they do for livings, what their names are, or what kind of a car they drive. [...]
Jeff
said,
March 31, 2008 at 5:25 am
I made it past 7, but I failed in year 12. I had an affair, and nearly/possibly destroyed my marriage. I’ve had four months to think about what I did, and why I did it. My wife and I have 3 wonderful children, and the thought of what I did to her and them sickens me. However, after months of counseling and the Retrovaille program, both my wife and I realize we both got lazy with our relationship years ago. Our biggest stresses have the our children, money and depression. Children change your marriage, and you need to be careful to make time for each other. My wife and I began to allow ourselves ‘personal time’ and while it is legitimate, it must be limited. My wife raises our children while I work. We have 3 energetic boys so she is often exhausted when I come home. She would automatically turn over the kids to me, and begin to have her time off, at first I thought of it as my time with the kids, but I grew to resent the fact that I fed them in the morning, got them ready for school, worked, then got them again when I came home. My wife and I began to lead independent lives, the passion drained from our marriage and was replaced by resentment. We are on the road to recovery - we are rediscovering each other, and learning to communicate and treasure each other. My advice to any married couple is to never be complacent. Spend time with each other, with and without the kids. Make your spouses day a little easier and they will return the favor.