Johnny Suede Slept HereOctober 25th, 2007 @ 3:57 pm
Not only did my parent’s house come with a ghost, it also came with a full apartment in the basement. When they bought the house they didn’t think much about the extra kitchen, bathroom or bedroom in the apartment. They kept the doors open between the house and the apartment and we used it like it was just a part of the house.
My mom unplugged the fridge, put her treadmill in the apartment kitchen and it quickly became her gym. During Christmas and Thanksgiving my mom would plug the fridge back in and use it to store all her Holiday groceries. Of course the second stove came in handy during this time.
My first husband and I got married and quickly moved into my parents basement apartment. We planned to live there until he could sell his overly expensive truck that he bought before realizing that we were headed down the alter. A few months into our (already tumultuous marriage) we were able to finally move out of my parents basement apartment.
I can’t speak for Suede (which is what my ex-husband will now be known as), but I think this move was an attempt to run away from the problems we were already experiencing in the infancy of our marriage.
We moved into an old farm house down the street.
I don’t think we ran far enough away.
Suede’s great uncle owned this house and only charged us a couple of hundred dollars a month in rent. We could stay there as long as none of Suede’s cousins needed the house. They all had their own houses, so this didn’t seem to be an issue for us.
Shortly after moving in, planting flowers in the yard and feeling settled in general, Suede’s cousin decide he wanted to move his little family into our farm house. Their baby had just died in a horrible accident and they were too heartbroken to stay in their house with all the memories. I couldn’t begrudge their need for my little farm house.
Again I packed up our things and prepared to move. As with our previous move I was hoping our new place would improve on our quickly disintegrating union.
We moved into another basement apartment about fifteen minutes away. This time it was in the basement of a gargantuas house our friends were renting. Because the basement apartment wasn’t legally permitted to be rented out, they gave it to us for a song. Just as long as we kept it on the down low. We agreed.
This house was a mansion in all sense of the word. It was beautiful and Suede and I both agreed it was the nicest place either one of us would ever live.
Shortly after we moved into this new place I started a fun little trend that continued throughout the rest of our marriage; I left Suede and moved back to my parents house.
Apparently, yet again, Suede and I hadn’t moved far enough away from our problems.
Probably because we were the problems.
This new trend continued with me moving out and then being persuaded back to live with Suede. Neither one of us were mature enough to be married or mature enough to know when to permanently end the marriage.
Somewhere in the middle of all the fun times Suede’s grandparent’s old farm house became available for us to rent.
Yet again, we moved. I fought it kicking and screaming. But we moved.
(I am not kidding when I say we lived in a town named for my ex’s family. They owned the whole damn town and every old farm house in the city limits.)
The family that had lived in this house before us had little kids, so Suede and I became the proud tenants of a house with a teddy bear painted bedroom and hand-drawn growing chart. Unlike our other places, I felt like we would stay here for a long time. I didn’t see a reason for us to move again. And so I got comfortable. I decorated the bathroom. I scrubbed the kitchen cabinets. I found a used table for the formal dining room. I hung up pictures. We were settled.
I failed to mention that this particular old farm house was next door to my in-laws. I hated my in-laws mother-in-law. She did everything in her measly power to make my already miserable existence more miserable. Living in this house was miserable. I knew it, Suede knew it, everyone knew it.
I told Suede I wanted to move out of the little farm house that I so badly wanted to love. I wanted to move away from the small town that we shared with his entire family tree. I wanted a house where our rent check wasn’t made out to a friend or family member. I wanted a kitchen window that his mother couldn’t see in. He wanted to stay where we were. He thought it was the only place that would allow our newly acquired malamute dog.
I began looking for real apartments in other towns. He was right; no place would take us and the damn dog.
That was that. We were staying.
And by staying I mean that I would continue staying in the bedroom and he would continue staying on the couch. This little situation was starting to really work for us. If we never talked to each other then we never had to fight. I worked days. He worked nights.
At what point do you finally decide to throw in the hat? For me it was when I realized the only time Suede and I enjoyed each other was when we weren’t within the city limits. Too bad he wasn’t ready to move away.
(This post was initially supposed to be about the places my first husband and I lived. I guess I’m finding that the places we lived in are directly connected to the demise of our holy union.)
Divorce papers were drawn up. And recanted. And drawn up and recanted again. And finally, the third time, they were signed and submitted to a judge for his approval. Suede told me later that he was sorry they went through that third time. He just hadn’t been fast enough to recant them that last time.
The marriage lasted eighteen months. They were the longest and hardest eighteen months of my life.
I’ve often said that, if I had it to do all over again, I’d still marry Suede. Without that experience I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t have been able to be a little more prepared to be a wife to The King or a mom to Babboo.
Being married to Suede allowed me to become closer to myself, God and my family.
I don’t know that it’s a fair trade. But it’s a trade I had to make.
Me · Back in the day
Liza
said,
October 25, 2007 at 9:06 pm
Wow!
That sounds like a hard way to learn who you really are, what’s really important to you, what you really believe, etc.
But I’m with you, I wouldn’t trade the most awful lessons for having a different life than the one I have now. And I can’t imagine how I would have gotten here without them.
(Maybe a few of those lessons could have been shorter? There’s an ex I should have left 6 or 8 months before I did, and at least once in the middle of that time. But sometimes the heart is slow to learn; I was also being righteous because said ex accused me of not knowing how to make a commitment.)
May
said,
October 25, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Grrrr, you may be glad you went through that, but I still want to smack Suede on the back of the head. But, as you’ve said before, dodged that bullet…
Isabel: And by dodged we mean “I married that damn bullet”. So I’m not sure how much I really dodged it.
Liza
said,
October 25, 2007 at 9:29 pm
May!!! I got your package! And I LOVE the cards! Sorry I haven’t sent a thank you note yet. (And sorry to hijack unrelated post comments.)
Audrey
said,
October 25, 2007 at 10:01 pm
I agree with Liza — wouldn’t it be nice if some of those difficult life lessons didn’t take quite so long to learn?
Laura
said,
October 26, 2007 at 1:15 am
sharing the sentiments here
slackermommy
said,
October 26, 2007 at 1:52 am
I hear ya! That’s what life is about; learning lessons. Sometimes we have to be presented with a lesson over and over before we learn it.
Thanks for sharing this lesson.
Ashlie
said,
October 26, 2007 at 3:35 am
How old were you when you got married Isabel? Sometimes the rough patches make you stronger. Looks like that was your case!
Isabel: I was 22.5 and he was almost 22. While that wouldn’t be too young for some people, it was far too young for us.
Durga
said,
October 26, 2007 at 5:12 am
Thats very personal stuff u’ve shared.
u r a strong woman.
I don’t like my mother in-law but thankfully I live a 30min drive from her so don’t have to see her v.often. yay!
Carrie
said,
October 26, 2007 at 7:22 am
You gotta learn! It sounds like you can look back on this time like a grown-up and realize that it is your past. That is such a rarity amongst most of the people I know who’ve been married more than once! Most of them are still trying to run their ex’s lives . . . sigh.
Stephanie
said,
October 26, 2007 at 12:43 pm
OMG- thats a lot of moving in such a short period of time.
I too had a incredibly short 1st marriage… less than 18 months… its a weird feeling sometimes to look back at that time now, it feels like I am looking at someone else’s life…
Especially with who I am now and how unbelievably content I am now
Stephanie
said,
October 26, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Thank you for sharing, it is nice to learn how people became who they are now.
I have a friend that got married and they were polar opposites, (him possibly gay, which tends to cause problems) everyone knew they were a little off for each other but great apart. They divorced 9 months after the 12 bridesmaid wedding. But it totally makes her the awesome person she is now because of that little blurb in her history.
Frema
said,
October 26, 2007 at 1:20 pm
I wasn’t married before Luke, but I had a couple of pretty serious relationships that were effed up in their own unique ways. Like you, I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything, even though they were hard and frustrating, because without them, I don’t think I would’ve realized how truly wonderful a man Luke really is.
Anna
said,
October 26, 2007 at 3:04 pm
The best lessons are always the ones that are hardest to learn.
I was about two steps away from being engaged to someone else (agreements were made but no ring received) before I met and married my husband.
My ex was wrong for me in every way, but I felt a sense of duty to him because we had been together for so long. I really felt like I needed to make it work for him, for our friends, for our families. Pretty much everyone but myself. While the ensuing breakup was one of the most difficult things I have ever done it was also the best learning experience possible.
I know for sure that the guy I married is the best match for me and I appreciate him and our relationship so much more because of what I went through.
Thank you for sharing this story.
heidikins
said,
October 26, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Sigh. I’m in your same boat, if I knew the outcome and had to make the choice upfront I would never have done what I did - but looking back I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Thank you for sharing this.
xox
Rachel
said,
October 26, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Wow, that’s alot of moving in 18 months. I was married to my ex for about 26 months, so I guess I win.
CPA Mom and Soccer Mom Angela
said,
October 26, 2007 at 5:28 pm
great post! I married my high school sweetheart after dating from age 17 to 21. It was just as bad idea as your marriage to Suede. We were divorced at 22. But when asked, I would say I would not take it back. Every.single experience I’ve had in my life, led me to where I am today with my sweet HP, Tigger and Eeyore. Exactly where I am supposed to be.
In debt and all.
Christar
said,
October 26, 2007 at 6:19 pm
Wow, it sounds like you really went through a tough time. But I’m with you… I’ve liked some really dead~beat guys before and allowed myself to get hurt before, and when I look back I’m embarrassed at how dumb I was, yet I never regret it and I’d never take any of it back. Without those experiences, it wouldn’t make me who I am today. And I know that being only 21, I still have more to make.
Great post!
Stephanie
said,
October 27, 2007 at 5:41 am
After reading this post, I was surprised you were only married 18 months. It must have felt like longer.
Monica Buckles » Blog Archive » Does being a blogger automatically mean your a geek?
said,
October 29, 2007 at 3:33 pm
[…] Johnny Suede Slept Here by Hola Isabel […]
SJ
said,
October 29, 2007 at 7:47 pm
What a brave thing to share….and I agree, having bad experiences and such in my ilfe have made me the person I am today.
I would not change that either.
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » The Tale of B00bjob Betty
said,
January 18, 2008 at 5:50 pm
[…] Hearing about Betty’s love life got old. And it got old fast. It wasn’t just because I was stuck in the middle of my own loveless marriage. I truly felt like what went on between Betty and her man was private and sacred. And definitely not to be shared with young girls her daughter’s age. […]
Hey listen, I’m trying to get unstuck from you | hola, isabel
said,
February 26, 2008 at 5:19 pm
[…] The first time I saw Suede (which is what I’m calling my first husband) was his first Sunday back from his two year mission for our church. He had served his mission in Los Angeles, California (Spanish language speaking). My family had moved to a new house down the street from Suede’s family. I hadn’t met him before he left for LA, although I had heard about him while he was on his mission. […]