Here, take him. Promise me you’ll take good care of him. Promise me.October 24th, 2007 @ 5:01 am
While sitting in the hospital waiting room last Monday I looked around and noticed I was the youngest person there. By about fifty years. No joke. I started to fill out all the necessary paper work without really paying attention to any of the questions.
Family history of colon cancer?
No.
Medications taking?
None.
Are you currently pregnant?
Hell no.
Last solid food eaten?
Over twenty four hours ago.
And then I came to the last two documents I needed to review and sign. One asked whether or not I wanted to be resuscitated if something happened during the procedure. The other asked if I had a living will.
While I’m young enough that I would like to be resuscitated, I don’t have an official living will.
The King and I have discussed what we would like to happen to each of us in a situation. (I’d like to be kept alive, for a reasonable amount of time. But NOT in a vegetable state. The King would like to be kept alive forever and milk the insurance industry for all it’s worth.) What The King and I haven’t talked about, let alone made official, is what we would like happen to our Sweet Babboo is something happened to either of us.
Sunday night, while trapped driving in the car, the topic was broached. Without me even saying anything The King got defensive about his presumed notion that, if he died, I would pack up Babboo and move far, far away to live with my family in the country. Now, to be completely honest, I’ve never once said I would do this. But again, to be completely honest, I might.
Think about it; if I were a newly widowed women of a toddler, wouldn’t it seem logical for me to move closer to my family so that I could get their unconditional love and support? Yes, I would be leaving behind The King’s family, and while I do like his family, they are not my family.
Odds are that I’ll never have to make these choices, but if I did, I would like to take The King’s feelings into account. And he says I have to stay in Seattle so that I can raise Babboo around diversity, just like we’ve always planned.
He’s right. We do want Babboo to live in a city. We want him to know about other cultures and appreciate them. We want him to travel the world. We want him to know how to use mass transit and to have his own bus pass.
Okay, so maybe I wouldn’t move in with my parents and live amongst cowboys and apple farms, but I wouldn’t be against moving to the nearest big city. I also don’t think The King would really be against that either. (Although he probably would be. He’s a hard man to read.)
The King also assumed that I would get remarried right away, and he didn’t like this. I explained to him that while I probably wouldn’t get remarried the day after his funeral, I would eventually want to get remarried. I tried to point out to him that he should want a good man around to help me raise Babboo. I told him that I would want him to remarry if I were to die. I would. Really.
At this point the conversation got a little more heated as it was pointed out that we’ve never come to a conclusion on who we’d want to raise Babboo if we were to both die. While nobody wants to think about this subject, it is a very important one and one that should be legally decided upon. Again The King was quick to say that he wouldn’t want anyone in my family to raise Babboo.
I knew this was coming, but I was okay with it as I wouldn’t want anyone in his family to raise him either.
It’s not that we don’t like each others families (actually, I can only speak for myself on this one), it just that I feel like we should have a couple raising Babboo that is as much like us as possible. The only problem is that we couldn’t decide who that couple would be.
Of course we would want Babboo to be loved. It’s also very important to us that Babboo be raised by a family that is strong in our religion. We would want him to be taught the same things that we would teach him. I would also like him be in a family where he would be financially supported. Loving to travel and having a passion for home renovation is also a plus. I would also assume that they should live geographically close to Babboo’s relatives.
These requirements naturally lead me to our friends the JJ’s. They have three little girls, the mom stays at home, the father makes far more money then we do, they’ve lived all over the world, they recently remodeled their home with a more modern, they are upstanding members of our church, and they are just good people. I brought their name up to The King and he wasn’t instantly sold. I was okay with it, because I wasn’t instantly sold. I considered them a starting off point.
We ended the conversation here and both agreed to think about it and discuss more later in the week.
The next morning The King woke up and instantly told me he thought Babboo should go to (like he’s our property) our friends over in Germany. That suggestion got an instant “no” from me. There is no way I’m shipping Babboo off to live in a foreign country, speaking a language he’s rarely heard, living with people he’s never met, far away from his cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends. No way. Plus, I haven’t spent that much time with these friends of ours to deem them worthy to raise my most precious possession.
No way.
And so here we are. We aren’t any closer to prepared legal documents stating our final wishes. In fact, we may be further away then we were this time last week.
This whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth, a horrible wrenching in my gut, and an ever worse feeling in my heart.
I’m curious to hear what you would do with your kids/pets if something happened to you. And how/why did you come to that conclusion? Are they family/friends? Was it hard for the two of you to come to any conclusion? Do you have something legal drawn up? Where did you have that done?
—————–
Wanna hear what happened when we took Babboo bowling for the first time last weekend? You know you do!
Every week I post over at SeattleMomBlogs. So head over there and read my latest post.
(Do you hate that I link to my other new posts? I do it to be nice, but I wonder if you think I’m saying “you must read every word I type”. Um yeah, I’m not saying that.)
My Sweet Babboo · They're just my family · The King · They're just my friends
Loralee
said,
October 24, 2007 at 7:36 am
As I have a clotting condition I have made my desire to NOT be left in a vegetative state widely known.
We know who we would like to care for our kids if both of us die, except that since I have a son with my first husband, it gets very tricky.
Here is to NOTHING like this ever happening.
You are very, very wise to get this straightened out, though. Even if it is hard, I think you will be able to come to a consensus.
DeAnn
said,
October 24, 2007 at 8:22 am
OK, OK, since you asked, he can come and live with me. I’ll raise him real nice — and just like you would.
Man, I’m a good friend.
Seriously, I would have no idea. And this is the reason I will not be having kids anytime soon, or ever.
Sara
said,
October 24, 2007 at 11:35 am
When our girls were younger we had will drawn up that named my hubby’s sister as their guardian. We lived in Georgia at the time and for some reason that state needed to have someone that lived in that state named. We would have chosen her anyway. She’s 3 years younger than we are and is a great parent. When we moved and redid our wills as the girls got older, we just left her as the guardian as we knew it was the right choice. We’re military so we used the JAG office both times. We recently did our wills again, now that they are older and so are we. We did our wills telling each what they got when we died (not much!) and our living wills, resuscitate orders and our burial wishes.
Sara
said,
October 24, 2007 at 11:37 am
Oh yeah, I wouldn’t getting married again if my hubby should die first. But, we did get in a fight about this as he’s “leaving his options open”! I told him that he needs to have companionship to help him through the rest of his life, but I would appreciate it if she wasn’t prettier than me.
Erika
said,
October 24, 2007 at 12:09 pm
We picked Jonathan’s oldest sister and her husband mainly because they are crazy about Evan and have a daughter close to his age. They live close to Jonathan’s parents and are friends with my parents and I know they would make every effort to include my parents in Evan’s life. They are also financially stable. If their situation were to change (divorce, relocation), we would re-evaluate.
We had a will drawn up at an attorney’s office (Jonathan’s teacher’s union offers a legal services discount with specific attorneys). While J’s sister and her husband will get custody of Evan, my parents will get control of all of our money and will have to approve expenditures (come what may, this forces the guardians to keep my parents involved with their only grandchild’s life). Evan will get what’s left when he turns 25.
It’s an awful decision, and one I’m glad to have finished and locked up in the firebox, never to be thought of again until someone asks a question on their blog.
If you hate thinking about what will happen to Babboo if both of you are gone, just think what would happen to him if you hadn’t made your wishes known? Yikes!!
When I was a kid, my parents’ will said that I would go to whichever of my mom’s siblings could take me. They regret that now, it’s not a decision that the guardians should have to make/fight out (what if none of them could have taken me?), especially at such an emotional time.
Bunny
said,
October 24, 2007 at 12:32 pm
I like that you link. That way I CAN read every word you write. I may not read Seattle Mom Blogs as a general rule, but if you’re there, I’ll probably click over.
Meritt
said,
October 24, 2007 at 12:53 pm
What a topic this is for us.
We didn’t have ANY will until 3 years ago - when our kids were 13, 12 and 8. (Gasp.. yes, it’s true).
And the ONLY reason we kept putting it off is because we had no idea who we wanted to raise the children. Everything else was a given, but that question…
And so we were going on our first vacation without kids and we forced ourselves to get one. A year later we changed it as we couldn’t live with the choice of the people we had down. Don’t like the current choice either (grandparents and second choice is Uncle and Aunt).
We figure we just CANT die. Period.
PS: As soon as our oldest is 18 we are changing it again to give her guardianship over her brother and sister… she is great with this idea and so are we.
Operation Pink Herring
said,
October 24, 2007 at 1:25 pm
If I had kids, I’d want my mom to take them if something happened to me. Period. No one else. well, maybe my brother and his girlfriend in like 20 years.
I’ve actually thought about what would happen to my pets if I died — I assumed Joel wouldn’t want them, since he’s pretty much OK with them only because I do all the work. I asked him about it, and he said of course he would keep them if something happened to me. So now I feel better about that. Otherwise, I think I’d want my mom to take Mads and Henry so that they could live a life of adventure enjoying her acres of backyard forest, and my dad to take Max so he could have a quiet apartment lifestyle.
Clearly I have spent way too much time thinking about this!
Anna
said,
October 24, 2007 at 1:55 pm
We’ve actually been talking about this quite a bit lately. I’ve been working with my dad on revising their wills and realized that we don’t have our own.
Gus would go to my husband’s parents. They live on a farm and he loves it there. Their dog is aging. They are also semi-retired and home a lot more than my parents or our siblings. This was a pretty easy decision to make.
Not so easy? Any future children. Our siblings are a lot younger and too immature for that kind of responsibility. His parents are older, looking to travel and thoroughly enjoy their retirement. My parents are young enough but they also have insane work schedules. I guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
I also like the links - keep them coming!
Carrie
said,
October 24, 2007 at 1:59 pm
My parents would take our son. Without a doubt. My husbands family all live in Poland and I just don’t want Eryk to move to another country where he knows no one. It would just break my HEART. If you ask me in a few years I might say I want him to go to my sister and her husband, but they aren’t financially ready at this time.
Laurel
said,
October 24, 2007 at 3:04 pm
I don’t have kids, but my parents asked their very close friends (also my sister’s godparents) to raise us if anything happened to them. I think their thought process was similar to yours and the King’s–although my parents each have siblings, this couple was the closest in philosophy to my parents.
It helps that their friends grew up in the same small community as my dad, so they’re close to my father’s extended family, but had lived in the city where my mom is from / where we were raised. They had, and have, very similar views on faith, education, family, etc… Most importantly, they would have ensured that we were still involved with both sides of our family. If anything HAD happened to my parents in my childhood, I think that living with them would have been the best possible situation for my sister and I.
-R-
said,
October 24, 2007 at 3:07 pm
H and I don’t have any kids or pets, but we have actually talked about this because we are crazy. If we die and have kids, we would want my sister to raise the kids. We haven’t told my sister yet since the kids do not exist yet. =) We actually never considered friends, only family members, and when we actually have kids, I assume we will reconsider this.
Sadie
said,
October 24, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Actually, we’ve talked about this and already decided (even though we don’t have kids yet) that our future offspring would live with my sister. My husband’s not a big fan of his own family, and my sister and her husband are good parents, live close to my parents for additional family support, make lots of money, and my sister and I are very similar in many many ways.
Now, our pets? That’s the tough one.
CPA Mom and Soccer Mom Angela
said,
October 24, 2007 at 4:13 pm
1st of all, link away. I like going to see what else you’ve written.
As to the big issue, I know the importance of living wills, power of attorney, power of medical attorny and wills…my late husband signed all of the above only one week before he died unexpectedly. Without those documents, there would have been a nasty fight with the ex-wife and I would not have known his wishes.
So when I remarried, the first thing we did was draw up all of those documents for us.
For guardians for the kids - we wanted a 1) married couple, 2) who were also practicing Catholics and 3) in or nearby family from either side and 4) had kids as well
We chose my husband’s cousin and her husband. It’s not the best choice (they live many states away and I HATE that my kids would be uprooted from their friends and my family here) but there is noone here locally that fits the bill. We didn’t chose either sets of parents due to age limitations. I’m not worried about money - if we both die, there will be a substantial amount of life insurance in trust funds to provide for them. This was a VERY hard thing to decide and it may be the best choice for now, but I still don’t know if it was the RIGHT choice.
Rachel
said,
October 24, 2007 at 4:38 pm
Actually, this is something that Chris and I have not talked about either. And, we should. If something were to happen to me, I would prefer that Kaylie stay with Chris rather than be raised by her biological father. Chris is just a much more responsible person that will teach her the values I want her to have.
If something were to happen to both of us, I really don’t know who we would choose. With our family being blended, it’s a more difficult decision. We wouldn’t want our kids split up.
Also, just FYI, just because you’ve put your wishes into a Last Will and Testatment, does not mean they are set in stone. Anyone could petition the court and ask for custody of Babboo. Your final wishes would of course be taken into account in that event, but may not be upheld. Just sayin.
Monica
said,
October 24, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Isabel
I love that you link to your other posts, it is helpful.
Ash and I have decided that if something happens to me he will let my family help raise our kids. If something happens to both of us our kids go to my parents with the life insurance to help raise them. We talked about it a lot, and although his parents are wonderful people they aren’t the nurturing type, and my parents live for their grand kids.
What we haven’t talked about is a plan “C” just in case my parents aren’t around.
Good luck these conversations aren’t fun.
Not the Queen
said,
October 24, 2007 at 5:40 pm
My husband and I started having this conversation 3 years ago, right after our oldest daughter was born. Now that she’s 3, and we have another daughter, we’re just finalizing everything. It’s agonizing deciding who’s right to raise your kids.
Good luck figuring it out! Just take your time. And remember, you can always change your mind later; just make sure you change your will after you change your mind.
Christar
said,
October 24, 2007 at 6:07 pm
Since I don’t have any children of my own yet, I don’t have to worry about this…. yet. But when that time comes, it’s going to be difficult.
My mom was always worried if something happened to her before I turned 18 because she didn’t want any of her family to finish raising my brother or me, and neither of our dad’s are around. She always said that if something happened to her, she would want my brother to stay with me and of course I’d have to be 18. Now that I’m 21, she is a little more relieved knowing that he’d be taken care of.
And I love that you link your other posts! I haven’t had a chance to read the Seattle Mom Blog one yet, but I will!
janet
said,
October 24, 2007 at 7:18 pm
How about your friend May? Then Babboo can grow up and be crafty! Yeah!
My first answer is my parents, but we have never talked about it. Maybe one of our sisters? Maybe it’s better we aren’t having kids anytime soon!
Lisa B
said,
October 24, 2007 at 7:29 pm
ITs funny you should mention this because JUST THIS MORNING I contacted an attorney to talk about wills and trusts and stuff like that.
I told the hubby if I die before him and the boy is still young, he should find a wonderful woman to marry who will love my little boy. But if Marc goes for the crazy stripper wife he jokes about then I will haunt his ass!
Lisa B
said,
October 24, 2007 at 7:35 pm
P.s. Years ago a family from the area I grew up in were in a horrible accident on their way to an amusement park. Both parents as well as three of the four kids died. The sole survivor (the oldest child) spent an entire YEAR in the hospital. He has such brain damage that he can’t drive a car — mainly because he can’t even figure out how to get out of a parking lot. He won’t be able to live on his own ever. And both sides of the family were fighting over the care of the child and control of the money/assets. (The people are related to my brother in law and he learned of the accident and fatalities on the news when he recognized the license plates on the vehicle.)
But that whole thing has really made us think about what would happen to us if we were to die and Seth would remain. We’ve been slow in getting the legal issues taken care of but we hoping that will be all wrapped up soon.
marci
said,
October 24, 2007 at 8:19 pm
So I think I should ‘get’ him! Ty would love a little brother!
I always think my mom would take our kids, but then there is the “Russ” factor and I WOULD NOT want my kids raised by him. I don’t think Al’s family are the best candiates, either. I’m not even sure they would take them! This is the point in the conversation where we usually give up and decide to talk about it another day. We suck!
Liza
said,
October 24, 2007 at 8:41 pm
That is one of the hardest questions EVER. We didn’t pick my sister, the only sibling between me and Jill. Both sets of grandparents are just too old to be parents again, too.
One set of my cousins lost a father when they were 5-14 years old. We don’t see any of those cousins often, but the only girl in the family is my age. She and her husband have two daughters who are just a little bit older than Noah.
If something happened to both of us, we decided that she and her husband would be best situated to raise him the way we would want him raised, and to support him through losing his parents. Lucky for us, they agreed.
One concern we had is that we don’t want Noah to be a financial burden on another family, so we got life insurance policies that we think should at least mean that won’t be a problem.
SJ
said,
October 24, 2007 at 9:35 pm
My husband and I talk about this all the time but unfortunately haven’t made a solid decision yet on what we’d like to do either.
It’s tough to think about let alone go through with - but it’s important.
Very important.
gorillabuns
said,
October 25, 2007 at 2:20 pm
i’m selfish, i don’t want my husband to remarry because other than me, i don’t think he makes the best choices in women.
Kiraa
said,
October 25, 2007 at 6:28 pm
WOW! Life gets so much harder once you have responsibilities and kids and stuff.
I only have a cat (well, four but who’s counting?) and I think I’d bequeath them to my mother should anything happen. She’d love them like I would.
I think your kid can be well-read, cultured and educated without living in a city like Seattle. Just saying if you did move to a small “apple and horse farm” place, it’d really be about what you teach him and not where he is.
Hope everything works out!
Frema
said,
October 25, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Obviously, you know that Luke and I are working on creating all of those Important Documents in case something should happen. If something happened to us at the same time, the baby would go to my sister Samantha and her husband Dan. We are very close with them, we know they’d keep Luke’s side of the family involved in her life, and we trust the decisions they would make for her care. As for money, our life insurance policies would take care of that, so I’m not worried about her being a financial burden.
It’s a big decision, and you both should be happy with the couple chosen to “get” Babboo.
Stephanie
said,
October 25, 2007 at 8:20 pm
I have no little ones in my life, besides pets, but if I had children they would go to my oldest sister. She is the most like me, an amazing mother to her own two children and has the best heart.
That being said, my little brother who is seven is also suppose to go to my sister because she is the oldest and most established. My husband’s little brother, 12, would be our if anything was ever to happen. That actually was only in the past 6 months that happened though. Maybe my mother in law does think we are capable? Maybe? Maybe she hopes we will be divorced before that would ever happen too!
Heather
said,
October 25, 2007 at 8:33 pm
My son is going to my parents and if they are not willing and/or able to my sister. My husband’s family was a definate no, for some obvious reasons and I don’t have any close friends that I would want to raise him.
It was hard for us to decide but once we did it was like I just wanted to lawyer to get us the document and we are still waiting. Part of that is because our will sets up a trust for Zack so it’s a little more complicated.
heels
said,
October 25, 2007 at 8:47 pm
We have made verbal arrangements for our son to go with a friend who I have known since kindergarten and my husband has known since early high-school. We are very close with him, his new wife loves our son, we love his whole family and have spent a lot of time around them, and his parents live in the same town as our parents. They don’t have kids yet, but they want them some day. They are educated and creative and, though I don’t want Cole to have to go with them EVER, I know he’ll be okay if he has to.
Audrey
said,
October 25, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Wow, that is not a subject we’ve ever talked about. I have no idea who we would send our hypothetical children to. Probably one of their aunts or uncles, but, then again, my brother’s and Tim’s sisters’ lifestyles vary quite a bit from our own. That is definitely something we need to think about/discuss at some point.
I can easily say (and I hope Tim would easily agree) that we would send the dog to my parents. Tim’s family’s dogs are not well behaved, and we don’t want Ben’s good behavior to disappear. But my parents’ dog is not only best friends with Ben, but she’s also super well behaved. And I know my parents could give Ben the love and attention (and discipline) he deserves.
I love that you link to your other new posts, by the way.
king
said,
October 26, 2007 at 7:22 pm
the real truth of this conversation was that YOU started it off by saying that you wanted nobody in my family to raise the boy. not me saying that about your family.
the boy will unfortunately go to the state if we both die, because its not worth the argument…
dcrmom
said,
October 29, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Ugh. Such a hard decision. One that we’ve avoided making official, even though we know it’s stupid to leave it hanging. But it’s just so hard to know what to do, isn’t it?
Jihan
said,
October 29, 2007 at 11:10 pm
I remember growing up that I got to decide which one of my mother’s four younger sisters I would live with if she died, because there was no way she’d let me move to Turkey. I could never choose- the fun lesbian aunt? the boring aunt with the successful husband? the aunt who lived in Japan with her six kids? Or the one who lived in a trailer in the woods? Hmm… so many choices. Glad it never came to picking one for real.
Hey if you die, we’ll take the boy. I mean…it comes with a hefty insurance pay out, right?
:)