Excess baggage. I believe we’ve all got it.September 12th, 2007 @ 7:01 am
For most of my life I’ve felt like I just never fit in.
I was the girl that always sat outside the circle because my hair was wrong or my clothes were wrong. I was the girl that didn’t have the boyfriend or the date to prom. I was the girl that was just overweight enough that I was never one of the pretty girls. I was the girl with bad teeth, horrible hair, and hairy legs.
When I hear people laugh, I’m convinced they’re laughing at me. Not with me. I immediately look down to see if my fly is open or wonder if something is caught in my teeth. The King main purpose is to tell me if I have food in my teeth. Really, it’s why I got married.
I feel like those around me are very secure while I’m the only one that’s insecure. I see the girl, dressed in her sleek outfit and her perfect hair, laugh and smile while everyone pushes to get closer to her. I wonder what it’s like to be her. To be confident enough to just know that everyone likes me. To know that I’m funny, or smart, or pretty enough.
I spent the better part of my high school career hiding behind fake confidences. I wore clothes that were a little odd and just acted like I meant to be kooky. I assumed I was the only one that did this. I felt like the only girl that didn’t have all the right clothes. I would have never admitted out loud that I felt like I never fitted in. And since nobody else ever admitted it, it just feed into me feeling more alone and out of place.
Any time I came home from being at a social function I would relive the entire event in my head and wonder why I made such an ass out of myself while everyone else seemed to be so confident and be having such a great time. I knew how I felt about it and I just assumed how everyone else must have felt. I assumed I was the only insecure one, the only one that ever felt this way.
And then I went to BlogHer and realized I wasn’t the only one.
The last night in Chicago was spent at a cocktail party. I remember distinctly standing behind a pillar with Carrisa and hearing her tell me how she felt out of place. I can’t be certain, but there might have even been tears in her eyes. I looked at her and told her that I felt out of place also. She seemed shocked to hear this. And I was shocked that she was shocked. Of course I felt out of place. I mean, of course I did! And as for Carrisa feeling out of place, I was shocked to hear that. To me Carrisa seemed cool and confident. She made everyone feel relaxed and kept us all laughing during the conference.
I couldn’t stop thinking about this brief, yet critical moment with Carrisa. This moment where I realized that I wasn’t alone in my feelings of imperfection. It wasn’t just me.
I got back from BlogHer and something else happened. Bloggers started to write about their feelings about BlogHer. For the first time in my life I was able to read exactly how other women felt at the same social function I was at. The interweb had introduced this whole new way to see inside a person’s heart.
What I read really surprised me. It amazed me. It stunned me.
I had never read or heard of Crystal before I saw her at BlogHer and witnessed Liz and Stacy freak out about meeting her. Just seeing how much they liked her cemented in my mind how cool she must be. I heard Crystal make educated statements in sessions, I witnessed how cute her and her husbands seemed together, I stood near her the first night and watched her laugh and have a good time with others. I never felt cool enough to spend quality time with her, although I wanted to.
I returned from Chicago and read Crystal’s post about her experiences at BlogHer. To say I was shocked to hear how out of place she felt would be a gross understatement. When I read that she cried and didn’t want to come back for the second day, I was horrified. I really had no idea she had felt this way. I felt horrible for being lame and not trying to spend more time with Crystal and her husband. I was ashamed for not including her more, when the reason I hadn’t was because I felt like she was too cool for me and my little group of friends.
Then I read Miss Zoot’s BlogHer recap post and was even more shocked to read that she felt excluded. How could this internet goddess ever feel excluded? In my mind Miss Zoot was the biggest blogger there. That first morning in Chicago Carrisa sent me a text message telling me she was sitting next to Zoot at breakfast and I about passed out. Zoot in the house? Dude, I wasn’t worthy (or prepared to meet her). And because of my own insecurities I didn’t glom on to her like I would have liked to.
While reading Zoot’s recap I was embarrassed and ashamed at myself. I had failed as a human being and I knew it. Because I read Zoot, I knew she had just gone through another horrible miscarriage. Since I’ve had a few of my own, I could relate. But instead of relating, instead of hugging her and telling her I’m sorry, I just ignored it. I read Zoot’s post after BlogHer and kicked myself for being a failure. For being the type of person I don’t want to be. For standing by the sidelines when I should have been in the game.
Ever since I’ve read these posts I’ve tried to remind myself that others are feeling out of place just like I am. I try to remember that the person sitting across from me fretted about wearing the right outfit just as much as I did. I remind myself to be more outgoing and to try harder to instigate a conversation with the person next to me.
Because, now I know, she may be feeling just as isolated as I am.
So tell me, how do social functions make you feel? And are there actually people out there that feel confident in these situations? And if so, please share your secrets.
Back in the Day · BlogHer07 · Me
Becky..Absent Minded Housewife
said,
September 12, 2007 at 6:07 pm
By the time we’d gotten to our junior or senior year I was over that. If I was going to be someplace I was going to have a good time, period. I bought my own clothes…and I consoled myself with that. Dare they make fun of my flannel when I’d earned it!
I don’t remember who once made fun of me for wearing a pair of Levis to school. The hell I was paying 80 hard earned bucks for a pair of those jeans with the pleated fronts that made me look like a tall walking pear anyway. I got in her face and explained that if her mom and dad wished to buy my clothes too, I’d more than welcome it.
(Psst, I’m overcompsenating for natural shyness.)
Operation Pink Herring
said,
September 12, 2007 at 6:19 pm
I read Zoot’s post about BlogHer and I was shocked too… I didn’t’ go, but I couldn’t believe that Zoot, one of the coolest and nicest and most popular (in my estimation) bloggers would ever feel out of place there.
At the DC meetup, I wasn’t nervous until we arrived at the restaurant. And then my heart started pounding and I started to sweat. I can’t imagine how I’d feel at a big thing like BlogHer. It would require a lot of vodka for me to get through it, that’s for sure.
CPA Mom and Soccer Mom Angela
said,
September 12, 2007 at 6:25 pm
O.M.G. You seemed liked the coolest and most confident woman there. Your whole group (H.S., the various Liz’s, Carissa, Molly and “Frema”) - all seemed so close the I felt like the odd woman out. I felt excluded. I felt like Crystal.
You hide it well. I was very impressed with you.
FunnyGal KAT
said,
September 12, 2007 at 6:28 pm
As long as I know one person at a gathering, I am very confident. I don’t know that I have any secrets to my confidence, but I do tend to keep in mind, if I feel out of place, other people probably do too.
Plus, I figure, what harm is there in going up to someone and starting a conversation? I’ll either make a new friend or never see them again anyway.
Carrisa
said,
September 12, 2007 at 6:30 pm
Isabel is my hero, you guys. There were tears in my eyes that night and hearing you say that you felt the same way… shocked as I was… was exactly what I needed to hear.
Great post.
Britt
said,
September 12, 2007 at 6:52 pm
I’m an outcast, too! But I would never believe for one minute that you lack self-confidence. I thought you were very lovely in person! You were kind and warm and friendly. After you left my house, I mentally noted every stupid thing I said. Oh how stupid I was! But, really, you are a great actor because I’ve always thought you were confident (in a good way, not in the so-full-of-yourself-i-wanna-amack-you way).
And girl, the Internet loves yous. YOU ARE COOL!!! Really, you are.
Zoot
said,
September 12, 2007 at 6:54 pm
It took me about 3 years to feel comfortable at my husbands family gatherings - so I like to have my social awkwardness span the globe.
I loved your group and felt very welcome there. Let’s do it again sometime? Okay?
Stephanie
said,
September 12, 2007 at 6:59 pm
Oh, I am such a social boob. I have always felt some sort of not good enough not matter what my situation. High school, college, work. Maybe it was because of money, social status, friends, weight, etc. I don’t know.
There are even times when I think my husband is too good for me. He is so freaking smart, he always has been able to take care of himself. He gets anything he goes after.
Then I realize that he too is so deeply insecure. He has an alcoholic father and a mother that left him with that father when he was 11. He was practically raised by himself. Everything he has is because he has worked his butt off to get it and he fears not lving up to his own standards. It is then that I realize everyone has that part of their life that makes them feel like they are less. Everybody’s story is just a little different.
bananas
said,
September 12, 2007 at 6:59 pm
Wow Isabel great, great post. You say so well the feelings that keep me from hanging out with many people who I am truly drawn to… I like them so much that I don’t want to risk being rejected. Sounds totally lame, but there it is.
MadMom
said,
September 12, 2007 at 7:00 pm
I often feel out of place at most gatherings. there are a few family members and friends that I can be ok with but for the most part I feel like im outside looking in. thankfully i have a decent sense of humor so i can cover it up by joking around. other than that im kind of the same. in school i never really fit with one particular crowd. i kind of floated around. still kind of who i am. i do my own thing and thats ok with me.
dee
said,
September 12, 2007 at 7:07 pm
I always feel out of place in social situation, including ones that I’m hosting. That’s one of the many reasons why you would never see me at BlogHer or any other big get together. I’d end up hiding out in my room the whole time!
Thanks for this post. It is always good to know I’m not the only one.
Jackie
said,
September 12, 2007 at 7:53 pm
Excellent and totally relatable post. I always feel out of place. Like almost everyone else who’s posted here, it started in school. One of my most painful memories ever was being asked to prom - as a joke, because the guy knew I was afraid of boys and that I’d freak out.
If it wasn’t for knowing Frema in real life, I’m not sure I would have gone to BlogHer - I mean, I just would have been so alone. You all (Lost a Sock, Hollow Squirrel, Carissa, Liz, Lizarita) made me feel so welcome. I love you all for it.
Audrey
said,
September 12, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Isabel, I think you and I could be the same person. I always feel out of place at social gatherings unless I know everyone (or most everyone) there. I always worry about looking/sounding/acting stupid. In high school, I always assumed i wasn’t good enough to hang out with the “cool kids,” so I didn’t. I later found out (when I ran into one of said “cool kids” at a bar during my bachelorette party) that they thought I was standoffish and uptight (It’s called being SHY, dumbass) and they got the impression that I thought i was too good for them. ME?! Too good for THEM?! I was shocked, to say the least.
Cool as BlogHer is to me in theory, I am terrified of going and having to be outgoing all by myself for so many days in a row. The first time I met a blogger for lunch, I was really worried that I’d embarrass myself with my tendency to be a messy eater and that we wouldn’t have anything to talk about. Of course, it was tons of fun, but immediately after lunch I still thought back to make sure I hadn’t said anything stupid. And that was just with one blogger — not the hundreds that attend blogher!
Keri
said,
September 12, 2007 at 8:16 pm
This is a great post.
I am ok in social situatiojns as long as I know one person, but if not, I am terrified.
Alot of my life post college has always been looking to the future rather than living in the now. This makes me miss out on seeing cool places, but also making new friends. When I lived in seattle, I couldnt wait to move back closer to family. When we moved, I regretted not exploring more, meeting new people, etc. So I said i wouldnt do that again. Then we lived in PA for 5 years and I did it again - Just looked forward to moving back to MD (again closer to family). Again I missed out on making new friends. I met a few people, but I never let myself really love it there.
So now, we’re back in Balto & I feel like I dont have any friends. Sure I have my family & some friends, but I havent met any neighbors, and I work from home, so contact w/others is limited.
Another point. I read alot of blogs, but I dont blog. I am afraid - what if no one will read it or don’t “like me” so for now, I just comment.
To some extent, isabel, I think we all have insecurities and feel like we dont fit in. I think even the “cool” or “popular” people from our lives are insecure too, they are just better at hiding it.
Again, great post. Sorry for the long response.
LaLa
said,
September 12, 2007 at 9:06 pm
Isabel, I love you, you type to my heart.
In my group of friends I am fine, but throw me into a social situation where I have to mingle and it feels like a big, ugly ball of wool is sitting in the back of my throat.
I felt like I would rather throw up than make conversation with people. My brother has had agoraphobia and he said it’s similar. It makes me sad that he has to live with that feeling all the time.
In the past year or so I have managed to overcome this a little. As my job involves meeting strangers each and every day I just pretend I am having a meeting with a client, hopefully I don’t come across as too “worky” though.
alyndabear
said,
September 12, 2007 at 9:17 pm
As much as I would ADORE coming to Blogher and meeting some of my awesome blogfriends in peron, there is a side of me that already knows I’ll be the outsider.. and I have no idea why.
Painfully shy? Self conscious of body image? Plain old boring? Maybe all of the above. But I do understand exactly where you all are coming from.
Big hugs, everyone.
Molly
said,
September 12, 2007 at 9:52 pm
Had this post not been written on your blog, but instead somewhere anonymously, I wouldn’t have been able to guess that it was coming from you. (Okay, maybe the links would have given it away.) You carried yourself so well, and I absolutely admired you (and your awesome hair.)
Thank you for writing this. It really is amazing to see that people are just people, and often times the pre-conceived ideas we hold in our minds are the only thing that separate us from each other.
anna
said,
September 12, 2007 at 10:32 pm
Just like everyone else, I would feel like the odd man out. I even find myself not commenting on people’s blogs because I am afraid my comments will come out lame and I will look like a fool.
This is a great post. It’s nice to realize that maybe everyone who blogs feels like they are on the outside looking in. Since we are all by the window peeking in, maybe we should just turn around and look at each other.
Marilyn
said,
September 12, 2007 at 11:49 pm
Amen. Can I say that again? AMEN. I always feel out of place. This year’s BlogHer was better than last years, as I pretty much just hid behind Zoot the whole time. But I never feel like I’m cool OR collected. Your group seemed so HAPPY to me. Carissa, you, Lizzy, Stacy… you guys seemed to me to be confident with yourselves and having a great time and I wished (even though I had the fabulous Zoot and she was uber fabulous) that I had this big group of wonderful women to charge around Chicago with.
Isn’t it funny, to come back and find out that we all pretty much felt the same way the whole time?
Nic
said,
September 13, 2007 at 12:17 am
I always feel awkward, even at the Thanksgiving table. I do my best to power through, but sometimes I just fel left out. And I’m still stunned by Zoot’s post. I mean, seriously? I might have to be restrained from running up and licking her if I saw her at BlogHer.
And everything else I wanted to say? Well I can just ditto, ditto, ditto Keri above.
super des
said,
September 13, 2007 at 12:24 am
My little group had that same conversation at the conference as well. How very sad: a gathering of “outsiders” that all fit in and got along. And we didn’t even know it.
HollowSquirrel
said,
September 13, 2007 at 1:52 am
SEE– this is good to get out there. Well done. Now we know that 99.9% of us feel the exact same way, so if someone THINKS they’re getting snubbed, it’s probably just someone else not having enough confidence to step up & converse and make that first move. I felt the s.a.m.e. way, but I made a few (small) efforts, like introducing myself (and hugging) Zoot and Crystal, but I couldn’t help it. Others that I wasn’t ‘as sure about knowing,’ I just spied on from a distance, behind my heap of swag.
Ashlie
said,
September 13, 2007 at 2:35 am
Wowsa. Thats crazy. I pretty much felt that way all through high school (never quite fitting in and being “good enough”) and then one day it just clicked and I grew some confidence. Butttttt… every now and then I get in these situation where I feel like I’m right back in the cafeteria feeling like a dork. Not sure if that will ever change. I know that a lot of older woman say that in their 40’s+ they just stop caring what people think. Hope so! As long as I don’t stop caring enough to put on clothes in the morning. I already love my pjs to much. It would be a smelly disaster!
Nap Queen
said,
September 13, 2007 at 2:41 am
I do believe that some people are genuinely confident, I think I was in high school and maybe college, but I’m certainly not now. I think it’s getting worse with age because I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished what I should have at this point in my life.
I just tell myself to ask as many questions as possible. People love to talk about themselves and will generally start asking you questions too.
Emily
said,
September 13, 2007 at 2:52 am
Hola, Isabel! I really liked this post….so unassuming and honest. I would have to say I am very situational in my confidence. Certain events (even if I don’t know many people) I feel cool as a cucumber. But other events (mainly when I feel all the girls are skinnier and cuter and better dressed than I am, as shallow as that sounds) I feel very insecure. Then other times I just plain don’t feel like making small talk and almost feel a bit snobby. You are not alone in your insecurities…as you have clearly discovered. It’s always nice to be reminded of that though….thanks. And….of course you have no reason to feel that way cause you IS FABULOUS, my friend. Oh…..by the way, my friend was in town from Seattle tonight and I talked about you and asked if he’d seen the naked blogger you wrote about! Ok….ending the longest comment ever now.
Emily
said,
September 13, 2007 at 2:52 am
Ok, so I just re-read that and I meant naked BIKER. That is all.
michelle de seattle
said,
September 13, 2007 at 4:07 am
Naked Seattle Bikers Rock.
I’m the worst mingler in the world, but you knew that already. A lot of it comes from being partially deaf, and a lot of it comes from a lifelong conviction that people are just tolerating me until they can go back to playing with their real friends. ugh.
It’s easier if I have snacks to give out. I think I learned that from my preschool teachers but I’m not sure.
I think from now on I’ll have small moocards to give out, but I’ll have girl scout cookies to go with them. I’m thinking thin mints.
I’ve already decided I’m not going to my 20th high school reunion because I can’t handle talking to all those people.
Want some of my Cherry Garcia Frozen Yogurt?
Rachel
said,
September 13, 2007 at 2:37 pm
You are definitely not alone. As far as social situations go, I am not all that confident, but I try my very hardest to let that go and I talk to people and try to make friends. But, honestly, in the blogosphere, for me, it’s harder. I wonder if I am smart enough or funny enough or cool enough. I sometimes feel left out on the internet so I wonder what I would have felt like at BlogHer. Although for me, knowing Lizarita in real life, probably would have made things a bit easier, but who knows.
-R-
said,
September 13, 2007 at 2:58 pm
What a great post. I can identify with everything Emily wrote above, except for the part about the naked biker.
I think everyone has had the same feelings as they stand in a crowded room, alone, looking at all the other people involved in conversation.
Her Bad Mother
said,
September 13, 2007 at 3:02 pm
I think that everyone at Blogher had *some* experience of feeling awkward and/or uncomfortable and/or out of place - regardless of *online* popularity. Online popularity - however measured - is, after all, only *online*. The real world is a whole other bag of chips.
Kiraa
said,
September 13, 2007 at 6:44 pm
I think I’ve always been that awkward out of place girl too. Maybe everyone feels this way?
BlogHer would be awwwwkwwwwaaaarrrddd because of the online to real world factor. Even though you KNOW people are real and email and yadda yadda its not the same as someone liking you in person.
Anna
said,
September 13, 2007 at 6:59 pm
Social functions make me want to vomit. Plain and simple.
I used to have such severe social anxiety that I couldn’t place my own order in a restaurant. I would tell someone in my group what I wanted and then hide out in the bathroom until I was sure the waitress was done with our table. Fortunately I’ve grown out of that now.
I still don’t feel like I really fit in. Too country for my college friends, too city for my hometown friends. It always seems like I’m missing one key piece to the puzzle.
I have to agree with the other anna (yay!) in the fact that I don’t always comment because I’m worried that I am not cool enough. However, I’m going to hit submit anyway.
heidikins
said,
September 13, 2007 at 7:00 pm
Although I didn’t got to BlogHer (still jealous about it, actually) I can understand this feeling because I have it, oh, ALL. THE. TIME. I am constantly worried that I will be dismissed with a wave of a perfectly manicured hand (obviously not mine) as yet another nerdy girl with mismatched clothes and a haircut that’s 3 years too old. Sigh, it makes me all knotted up inside just to think about it.
Marriage-101
said,
September 13, 2007 at 8:11 pm
Would it surprise you if I said that I would be supremely nervous meeting you? You’re one of my favorite bloggers! So those feelings you feel about other “popular” bloggers, someone else feels about you!
I agonize over what to wear, how I look, etc., but give me a cocktail or two, and I’m good to go. Just don’t photograph it. I only turn into a critic when I look at photos of myself. Look at the arm fat! And why is my eye all wonky! Oh my God, does my cleavage really look like that? And my hair, what on EARTH is it doing???
Fitting In « Thirty Before 30
said,
September 13, 2007 at 8:38 pm
[...] September 13, 2007 · Filed under Friends, Life Isabel wrote a fantastic post today that really spoke to me. [...]
angela
said,
September 13, 2007 at 10:25 pm
You are exactly like me. I feel awkward at social situations ALL THE TIME, unless I am with certain friends who I am comfortable with or have “backup” like my overly-social husband with me.
If I’m showing up to a work thing though all by myself, I feel so awkward. I can do meetings just fine because I’m there with a purpose. But if it’s a social thing like a happy hour or something, I hate hate hate it. I need a social wingman, BAD.
Lindsey
said,
September 13, 2007 at 11:32 pm
I know exactly how you feel because I’ve been there. I always feel like other people say all the right things and I’m just like a total dork in social situations where I don’t know everyone really well. I feel like everyone else knows exactly how to act and what to say and whatever I say is totally uncool and I’m wondering if other people will like me or think i’m lame. I don’t feel this way all of the time. In certain groups I feel very confident, but there are definitely times I don’t feel that way. Going to a bar or hanging out with friends from work who I know, but don’t know well always intimidates me and I hate it!
If I don’t have a close group of friends with me or at least a few people that I know well, I am very nervous to go to a bar. Is that strange?? I just always feel so awkward because I’m not big into bars and clubs.
Crystal
said,
September 13, 2007 at 11:58 pm
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS???
It means that we can all meet up at BlogHer and look like complete asshats running to and fro like wind-up toys and chestbumping each other and screaming, “EEEEEEEEE!”
BECAUSE NO ONE CAN BE AWKWARD NOW! We’ve all internet bonded! And admitted to feeling like dorks!
Please, God, let them have it somewhere I can afford to go, cos’ I don’t think Scrapblog’s gonna foot the bill for me, again.
Awesome post!
Michelle Z
said,
September 14, 2007 at 3:32 am
You know, it’s funny.
I felt like such an outsider I haven’t even JOINED Blogher. Even though I read lots of the blogs.
Maybe now I will!
Christar
said,
September 14, 2007 at 3:38 am
You are truly awesome! Seriously, I heart you, and you know this. Sometimes I think, “Man, Isabel must think I’m a psycho with how much I talk about her.” haha!
In Jr. High and the beginning of High School, I was the complete social outcast. I loved Hanson which was enough to be outcast right there, but I also did really care to do myself up. I never did my hair or makeup, and I was about 20 or 30 pounds heavier than I am now, and most of all I had no self confidence.
I started to make some friends in High School who encouraged me to try and make myself up to make me feel better about myself. I learned (from mostly trial and error) how to dress, how to do my hair and how to do my makeup.
Even after all that, I don’t have much self confidence. I still see so many imperfections and constantly think of how I’m super annoying. I find it odd when people tell me how great I look, because I honestly don’t see it. I’m always hitting the gym and trying to watch what I eat to try and get a better body. And I don’t feel I can leave the house without my hair done up or without my makeup on because I feel ugly without it.
As sad as it is, I think that this is the way most girls feel, no matter how great we think they look or how awesome of a personality they have, I think most girls lack self confidence. But again, I think you’re truly awesome!
KARA!
said,
September 15, 2007 at 8:44 pm
I know what you mean. I absolutely dread coming into contact with big groups of strangers… like big work meetings for example. I have such a hard time fitting in and everyone else seems so relaxed–chatting it up, networking, and I am thinking the whole time how can I avoid standing around by myself while everyone else talks to their friends.
On the other hand, I love parties if they are on my own terms–at my house, bunch of my friends or family, food, games, talking…