Part II of I’m breaking the #1 blogging rule and totally writing about my personal family issuesJune 19th, 2007 @ 7:01 am
I know you are all dying to hear the rest of the story of my big gay brother.
Did you miss yesterday’s post? If so you’ll want to go back and read it or today’s post is totally going to confuse you.
There was about three months that The King and I had to keep my brothers secret from coming out (no pun intended). I agreed that he was the one that needed to tell the family. So I just kept my mouth shut. I didn’t have a problem telling my friends, it was just the family I had to keep quiet to.
The first time I saw Biff after he came out was a few weeks later. I was meeting up with some of my lady friends from church for dinner. As we were walking to the restaurant I saw Biff coming towards us. We stopped to chat with him and I introduced him to the ladies he hadn’t met before. Of course everyone was very pleasant to Biff and we chatted away for a few minutes.
It was very clear that Biff was now gay and proud. Gone was the brother that I had known for 27 years. Gone was the little boy that had walked with me to school. Gone was the teenager that teased me about boys. Gone was the older brother who had given me my first taste of alcohol in a batch of Mac & Cheese. In his place was some guy dressed in a see through mesh shirt with a Hooters I Love Breasts pin attached (I think he was trying to be ironic) and rolled up denim jeans.
I didn’t know what to think about all the sudden changes in Biff. The King and I talked about it later that night. I chalked it up to his 30 years of pent up gayness. I figured he was just trying to make up for lost time and would be the same old Biff that I knew and loved so much.
My parents came out for Christmas. By this time Biff had moved to a new apartment and no longer lived near The King and I. This meant that we all wouldn’t be hanging out together as much. Every time my parents came back to our place from hanging out with Biff I waited for them to tell me he had finally told them.
He never told them.
I kept telling Biff that he needed to get it over with and just tell them. He said he would. He was just waiting for the “right time”. Okay, I bought that.
On their last night in Seattle I made Biff go out to dinner alone with my parents. They kept saying that The King and I should join them, but I politely declined. They needed to be alone. I truly felt like I was sending them off like lambs to the slaughter.
I didn’t see my parents until the next morning as they were packing their bags to head to the airport. We had been talking for about thirty minutes before my Dad said; your brother finally told us he is gay. I asked them how it went and how he had told them. My Mom said they were just hanging out in his apartment and he told them straight up that he was gay. My brother, the one who never had gone to church, also told them he found a church he liked. He told them he was involved in things now. And that’s when he turned to my sweet Mom and said the one thing that he probably didn’t need to say; don’t worry Mom, I always use a condom!”
That’s what did it. That’s what upset my Mom. It wasn’t him telling her he was gay, it wasn’t him saying that he no longer believed in the church he was raised in. It was him owning up to the fact that he was having sex. My Mom told me that morning; I don’t really need to know about any of my kids having sex.
Amen lady.
My parents caught their plane and headed home. By the time they got home Biff had called and told my younger sister he was gay. This part upset my parents. Since my sister was still a kid and living under their roof, they had wanted to sit down and discuss this with her. They had wanted to talk openly and honestly with her, keeping in tune with the beliefs they were raising her with. She took this to mean they were upset with my brother being gay. Which, I believe, wasn’t their intent at all.
You see, my parents have never been homophobes. While they are Christian, they aren’t necessarily what you would call conservative. They take Jesus’ message of Love One Another very seriously. They also raised my uncles, one of which is gay, since they were 11 years old. We’ve been around the gays. We’re not afraid of them.
I honestly can’t recall how my younger brother was told about Biff’s preference for men. That must have been a non issue. As for the extended family, well, Biff never told them. This has always bothered me since I am the one who constantly is being asked by my grandma; do you think Biff will ever find a nice girl and get married? I’ve even responded by saying that; no, there is a 0% chance that he will ever find a nice girl to marry! She just doesn’t seem to get it. Or maybe she doesn’t want to get it. I hear she has also chosen to ignore that one of my young cousins is a lesbian.
It’s been years and years since Biff came out to us. How have things changed since then?
Tune in tomorrow when I’ll sum up the last five years and try to figure out what happened to my relationship with Biff, the relationship that seemed so solid 25 years ago.
Churchy Stuff · They're just my family
Brittany
said,
June 19, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Oh! Look at cute lil’ Isabel!!
So did you ever tell your brother that you saw his cowboy porn?
My ex-boss is a gay cowboy. Just in case you wanted to know.
Liza
said,
June 19, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Heh. It sounds like your brother might have had some coming out tourettes.
Rachael
said,
June 19, 2007 at 5:28 pm
A triology? Fantastic!
velocibadgergirl
said,
June 19, 2007 at 5:43 pm
I’d also like to hear the stories of the uncles your parents raised someday, if that one is okay to tell.
Frema
said,
June 19, 2007 at 5:45 pm
“My parents came out at Christmas.”
No pun there, either, right?
On a serious note, I remember talking to my mom about going on the pill, and she wasn’t thrilled, probably for the same reason your mom was upset to learn about your brother’s condom use. To this day I refrain from discussing my sex life with her (and with most people, for that matter).
-R-
said,
June 19, 2007 at 5:49 pm
Aaaa! I can’t wait until tomorrow!
PS I had the same bowl cut when I was 5. It was hot.
Rachel
said,
June 19, 2007 at 6:02 pm
I don’t think I like where this story might be going. It sounds like it’s not gonna have a happy ending.
I don’t just sit down and have conversations with my mom about sex, but if I am having some sort of problem or something, I would be ok with going to her.
Not that I want to hear about my own kids or anything, I’m just sayin!
Audrey
said,
June 19, 2007 at 6:18 pm
I definitely think that parents don’t need to hear about their kids’ sex lives, and vice-versa! Hello, awkward!
I am looking forward to tomorrow, but I’m also worried that the story’s not going to have a very happy ending.
Steph
said,
June 19, 2007 at 6:49 pm
way to be real, isabel.
Hugo Weaving
said,
June 19, 2007 at 7:03 pm
My mother had a similar experience with her brother, that your parents had with your brother, when he came out. Well, it wasn’t right when he came out. He was her hair magician and she would go downtown to get her foil and trim every month or so. And eventually he started talking about his sex life more and more. He went on one day to tell her the reason he had never gotten HIV (after a couple decades of downstairs decadence) was that when it was time to relieve his partners of all of their tensions he would just “talk” the tensions away. (Edited to not be toooooo gross) And let me tell you, my mother did NOT need to hear about her brother engaging in such tonsilular acrobatics. I think maybe such folks feel a need to explain their actions a bit.
Lindsey
said,
June 19, 2007 at 7:20 pm
I can’t wait to hear Part 3!
I’m not afraid of the gays either. I’m totally liberal like that.
I do think Biff needs to come out to the rest of the family. It would just make it easier if everyone knew, even if they choose to ignore the truth. I bet most people know he’s gay though, don’t you think?
Do your parents have a good relationship with Biff now? The condom comment totally cracked me up, but maybe it was just Biff’s way of trying to make light of the situation…who knows. This is kind of on topic, but just something that bothers me. I hate when people say that gays “flaunt their sexuality.” I know that there are some pretty colorful gays out there, but no one flaunts their sexuality more than a pregnant woman, but no one looks at it that way…I’m just sayin.’
Laurel
said,
June 19, 2007 at 7:21 pm
That image of your bro in his new “gay outfit” is priceless. Many of my gay friends say that they felt like adolescents well into their 20s because they couldn’t fully experience their sexuality as a teenager. That is like the classic example!
Seriously, though, it sounds like you’ve been a great and trusted resource for your brother. He’s lucky to have you.
Lizzy
said,
June 19, 2007 at 8:02 pm
holy crap…way to leave us hanging!
i love the mesh shirt and rolled up pants.
but seriously, i can’t imagine how hard it was for you (and the king) to be burdened with keeping his ’secret.’ I mean, i guess i can understand that it’s up to him to tell whom he chooses, when he chooses. and good for you for totally respecting that decision. but at the same time, it’s got to difficult to have to take on that responsibility.
i hope your brother appreciates your love and support–he is lucky to have you. no matter what part III brings– and i suspect it brings a gap in your relationship?–remember that you can only be responsible for yourself. i suspect you know this already.
okay, sorry for hijacking your comments.
anniem
said,
June 19, 2007 at 8:31 pm
oooo…why did he have to go into the condom usage? Straight, gay or bi, I am pretty sure no parents need to hear about their child’s sexual activity.
I was totally rooting for Biff too. I always think about how hard it must be to live a certain way when you know in your heart that it will never make you truly happy. So I wanted his coming out to be a smooth one, GAH! Say it gets better, please?
Operation Pink Herring
said,
June 19, 2007 at 8:42 pm
I feel like I can say anything to my mom, but I WILL NOT talk about sex. Ever. It just seems… unecessary. That’s what girlfriends are for.
Christar
said,
June 19, 2007 at 9:03 pm
That’s great that your brother felt comfortable to come out to you…
And this is kinda off the subject, but I saw a cowboy downtown yesterday, and I totally thought of you and the 2 cowboys that wander Seattle.
I can’t wait to hear part 3!
janet
said,
June 19, 2007 at 9:37 pm
I am liking how you are divulging all this family drama…I just hope there is a happy ending?
Eris
said,
June 19, 2007 at 10:30 pm
I’m waiting in bated breath.
amieable
said,
June 20, 2007 at 1:21 am
I am thrilled and honored that you are sharing. I know this has been said many times above, but I hope this has a happy ending. Perhaps Biff riding into the sunset with his cowboy partner?
I too grew up in a church and understand how this might have been an awkward and painful conversation for your family. I’m so tickled to hear that your parents took it in stride. As for Grandparents? I keep MOST of my life away from them.
It sounds like you are a good, trusted sister if Biff felt comfortable enough to share his secret with you. Good sister!
angela
said,
June 20, 2007 at 1:38 am
Awww, that pic of you two at the end was so freakin’ cute! I love how your shirts were tucked in so vigorously that the neck holes were extra low.
And of course I’ll be back for part tres tomorrow!
Stefanie
said,
June 20, 2007 at 1:47 am
I think grandmas maybe just don’t get it (or don’t want to). When my older sister got divorced, my very Catholic mother didn’t want to upset my very Catholic grandma, so she told her my sister’s husband had wanted her to convert. Yep; to this day, my grandma thinks my sister’s marriage ended because she didn’t want to be Lutheran. Crazy. I can’t imagine how she’d take it if one of us were gay.
Also, I know this is so not the point of the post, but… your first taste of alcohol, in a batch of mac & cheese?? I’m the only one who’s curious or perplexed about that?? (I’ve heard of making Jello with vodka, obviously… even Kool-Aid, of course… but mac & cheese?? What?)
Amber
said,
June 20, 2007 at 2:22 am
Wow, an intriguing tale. I’ve always been curious to know the family’s perspective in the coming out process. Very well written and I’ll be tuning back in!
Amy W
said,
June 20, 2007 at 1:07 pm
I am curious about the alcohol and mac and cheese as well…
And waiting on pins and needles about the rest of the story…
Damnit, its 9:00am on the East Coast, wake up and finish it!
Of course, I mean that in the nicest of ways…
anniem
said,
June 20, 2007 at 1:58 pm
anxiously awaiting the conclusion…
Stephanie
said,
June 20, 2007 at 2:15 pm
I think every family has their oddball, whether it be the one that never talks to anyone, the one who is gay, the one who just doesn’t fit. I am sorry that your brother hasn’t filled his role in your life. I understand so much your frustration so much with Biff for his relationship with you. I have relationship that is super strained between my middle sister and I because of her lack of contact with any family member. This is also the sister that I adored growing up with. I guess she finally fell off the pedestal about 5 years ago.
Heather
said,
June 20, 2007 at 2:27 pm
I had a roommate in college who was gay. I had known it since highschool and was just waiting for him to admit it to me.
Finally one day he called me on the phone and told me that he was gay. I think my reaction was something along the lines of DUH!!
Anyhow, he too went through a change into the “gay Thomas.” It was very strange to see him suddenly overly flamboyant (sp?).
Eventually he calmed down and is nnow just Thomas, who happens to be gay.
slackermommy
said,
June 20, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Wow, that is some crunchy stuff. You have me very intrigued.
Lisa B
said,
June 25, 2007 at 4:11 am
Awww. That photo of you both is adoreable!
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » Part III - I’m breaking the #1 blogging rule and totally writing about my personal family issues
said,
July 11, 2007 at 3:47 pm
[...] Did you miss Part I and Part II? You’ll want to get up to speed before you continue reading. [...]
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » I’m Breezy
said,
July 11, 2007 at 3:50 pm
[...] Thanks to everyone who left comments and sent me e-mails about my latest posts pertaining to my older brother and our lack of a relationship. Is it bad to admit that knowing a lot of families have similar problems makes me feel better about my problems? Because really, there are a lot of family issues out there in this world. [...]