I’m breaking the #1 blogging rule and totally writing about my personal family issuesJune 18th, 2007 @ 7:01 am
I’ve always known my older brother was gay. I knew he was a little different then other brothers when he would actually want to play dress up with me or when he would want to pal around with me and my girlfriends in high school.
When Biff (which is what we’re calling him today) was about 26 he moved back home. He had graduated from college and just wasn’t finding a decent job in the town he lived in. I had also just moved back home after my recent divorce. My younger brother and sister were still just kids. So for the first time in years, all four of us were under the same roof.
My parents house has a full apartment in the basement. There is a bathroom, laundry room, kitchen and bedroom and even its own entrance from the garage. I’m not sure why, but Biff got the apartment to himself and I just moved back into the bedroom I had before I got married. One day while he was at work my younger sister went into his apartment to borrow his phone book. He had a little table where he kept his phone. She assumed the phone book would be in the drawer to the table. Instead of finding his phone book when she opened the drawer she found his porn collection. And not just regular porn, no this was gay cowboy porn.
My younger sister was shocked to see this. She was only in junior high, so I’m pretty sure this was the first time she’d ever seen porn, let alone gay porn. And gay porn that belonged to the older brother who she had always felt close to. She didn’t know what to do with this information.
My sister kept this discovery to herself for a few months. It makes me sad to think of this little girl knowing this about my brother, but being afraid to discuss it with him. And being unsure who to talk to about this. After a while she told my Mom. I’m sure my Mom wasn’t surprised. Seriously, we wondered about Biff’s sexuality for quite some time.
Biff didn’t make it easy for us to know his preference. He lived with a girl for a while when he was in college. At the time of the gay porn incident he was dating a single mother from his work. So you can see how we weren’t really sure. I mean, we figured he was gay. But the fact that he kept dating women was a little confusing. I figured he just wasn’t sure yet. Or maybe that he was bi-sexual. I didn’t know.
About a year later my Mom told me about the stash under the phone in the basement. I went right downstairs into Biff’s apartment and looked in the drawer. Of course it was still there. I thumbed through one of the magazines and got a little laugh out of it. I’ve never really found cowboys to be attractive. Cowboys wearing cut offs and boots are really not attractive to me. Especially when their junk is hanging out. I won’t lie, the fact that my own dad and younger brother considered themselves to be cowboys made me a little leery.
That is where this story died.
At least for the next two years.
Of course all of us family members discussed it amongst ourselves. We just never discussed it with Biff. We knew he’d tell us when he was ready to tell us. My Mom later told me that she was hoping he would work though it and change his mind. We all know that wasn’t going to happen. I think a part of her knew that wasn’t going to happen either.
I moved out to Seattle and Biff came with me. We found a little studio apartment and lived together until The King and I got married. Myself, along with my parents, were just waiting for Biff to finally come out of the closet. We thought that the main reason he moved with me to Seattle was to get away from the conservative town we had grown up in and finally be true to himself.
Fast forward another year. The King and I were married and living up the street from Biff’s apartment. We saw him when his over the top antics didn’t push us over the edge. I remember the day he sat us down and said; I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and have finally come to the realization that I’m gay. I wasn’t sure why it was something he had to think so much about. I mean, if he would have just asked me I would have told him he was gay.
Since this wasn’t a huge shock to The King and I, we probably didn’t react in the way Biff had expected. I asked him what he wanted me to do with the information. He said he felt like it was his responsibility to tell our family and friends. I agreed and because we respected his wishes we told him we would wait for him to tell the family. My parents were planning on coming out to Seattle in a few months and I assumed he’d wait to discuss it with them then.
Tune in tomorrow to find out what happened next.
Plus I will answer the question everyone always has; how does your church-going family feel about Biff being gay?
————
Head over to my other blog to read my about my latest New Thing, a review of mamasource.
They're just my family
Rachael
said,
June 18, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Wowza.
Frema
said,
June 18, 2007 at 5:28 pm
Oh, I love that you’re sharing this very personal family information with us. Tomorrow can’t come fast enough. I’m nosy like that.
CPA Mom and Soccer Mom Angela
said,
June 18, 2007 at 5:29 pm
I have no words. Bring on tomorrow.
Operation Pink Herring
said,
June 18, 2007 at 5:38 pm
Rules are made to be broken. Besides, I thought the #1 rule of blogging was “Don’t write about work”.
I am pretty sure that my younger brother is gay. It makes me sad that he is still in the closet, but I understand why he wouldn’t want to announce himself to my homophobic father and other brother. I would bet a thousand dollars that he’s gay, but I haven’t discussed it with anyone in my family because I don’t want to out him before he’s ready.
I will never look at a cowboy the same way again.
Laurel
said,
June 18, 2007 at 5:52 pm
I also cannot wait for part two. I have a good friend who didn’t come out until he was 26–I think, regardless of family situation or beliefs, everyone just wants to feel “normal.”
Emily
said,
June 18, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Look at you, sneaky little blogger, with your cliff hanger! Now you know we’ll all be back tomorrow cause of our nosiness!
Jura
said,
June 18, 2007 at 6:17 pm
How exciting! I got more fascinated by some other detail though. So you waited until marriage to move in with The King? So cool! It seems that majority of successful people do just that?!
Lizzy
said,
June 18, 2007 at 6:23 pm
… is it tomorrow yet?
Nic
said,
June 18, 2007 at 6:30 pm
Ugh! I hate two parters. I’m really dying to hear how this works out. I always worry about people in this situations because for those deeply embedded within a church community, they could be shunned and that is so scary when you think about a friend or a family member.
Elton John
said,
June 18, 2007 at 8:07 pm
I’m interested to see how your family handled a gay member of the clan. My mother’s younger brother (I guess I could have said uncle, or I could have said my grandpa’s daughter’s little sister’s older brother) is part of an extended family that is for the most part (we’re talking 99.9% here) deeply Christian. It’s been interesting to see how it’s all played out. My mom and her sisters were all cool with it. And for that I am grateful b/c Greg came around all of the time and I got to know a fantastic uncle…who happened to like men. But my maternal uncles had a much harder time with it. They both had slews of sons and for some reason felt that their boys’ sexualities were threatened by Greg’s. (I don’t know about all of you, but no amount of one sexuality of the other could swing me from where I’m from) So, as a result, it depended on who was hosting Thanksgiving/Christmas if Greg AND his current “friends” were invited over. It was really sad to see. He told me it really hurt his heart to be excluded by his brothers. (While not okay with the gayness, even his folks came to grips with, and were cool with Greg) It was strange he was exluded too, because he was always very respectful of everyone else and never even held hands with his beaus at family functions, and neither was he a nancy. Like I said early, he was just a great guy, who outwardly was like any other great guy, but he just liked men. So, I hope after the initial coming to grips, your family ended up being cool with your brother. (Sorry, longest comment EVER)
Molly
said,
June 18, 2007 at 8:43 pm
Verrrry interested to see how it all plays out tomorrow!
My younger sister, the one who lives with us, is gay. Most of the people close to us know, though there are others who would be blown away. When she told me, I was shocked. Usually I have excellent gay-dar, but apparently not with one of the people closest to me. My family took a bit to get over the shock, but now everyone is pretty much good with things. My sister is happier than ever to live her life.
I have to decide soon if I’ll be attending Chicago’s Pride Parade with her this weekend. Could be interesting, eh?
Alyndabear
said,
June 18, 2007 at 8:58 pm
I’m waiting for tomorrow… and making us wait is MEAN Isabel, lol.
Audrey
said,
June 18, 2007 at 9:34 pm
I can’t wait for tomorrow, either! This is shaping up to be a great story.
One of my best friends is gay. I was one of the last people he came out to because I had gone through a fairly conservative religious phase in my teens (although I had never believed homosexuality was a sin) and he was afraid of how I might react. While it hurt a little that he was worried about my reaction, I also could see where he was coming from and completely understood why he waited to tell me.
The worst part, though, was that my other friends knew before me, and one of my roommates asked me at one point if I thought he was gay. She already knew he was — I don’t know if she was trying to scout out my reaction and relay info back to him or what. But, being that I was (and am) one of this guy’s best friends, I assumed that if he were gay (the thought had crossed my mind) he would have told me by then. So I answered with a resounding “No, definitely not.” Later, after he did come out to me I discovered my former roommate’s secret blog. Because I’m nosy, I read her archives and came across the post she wrote after she asked me if I thought our friend was gay. From what she wrote, it was clear that I came off as ignorant and judgmental, when in reality I was just naive. That was what hurt more than anything — that my roommate thought I was a total asshole (and likely relayed this information to a number of our friends) when really I didn’t care whether or not he was gay, I just assumed that as one of his best friends it was something I would know about.
Anyway, that was a few years ago, and we’re all as close as ever. I’d better stop babbling now before I beat Elton John up there for longest comment ever. (By the way — Elton John is commenting on your blog? What?)
SJ
said,
June 18, 2007 at 11:30 pm
I can’t wait to hear the rest of the story, very interesting.
My niece is gay and I often wonder what she goes through.
Waiting anxiously……
angela
said,
June 19, 2007 at 12:36 am
Just when it’s starting to get good, you have to go and toy with us. I’ll certainly be tuning in tomorrow to hear how this all shakes out.
Oh, The Joys
said,
June 19, 2007 at 12:42 am
I have a profound respect for Biff now. (What with my National Park Ranger fetish and all.)
Chas
said,
June 19, 2007 at 2:25 am
Since when are there any rules to blogging??
Anyway, I’ll definitely be tuning in to see what happened. I’ve worked with a lot of kids in my time, and I’ve known many that I’m pretty sure are gay…they just haven’t figured it out yet. I always wonder how long it’ll take them to come out. It’s very interesting/sad that it takes some so long.
slackermommy
said,
June 19, 2007 at 4:04 am
Ooh, I love a cliff hanger. I do hope it all went well though.
Rachel
said,
June 19, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Oooooh, can’t wait for tomorrow!!! Ok, today actually, teehee.
jamie
said,
June 19, 2007 at 4:02 pm
wow. i’m seriously hanging off the cliff now. that must have been tough on your little sister. is she still close to biff?
Liza
said,
June 19, 2007 at 4:22 pm
In case anyone is wondering, I *do* think there are things straight people can do to make it easier for their maybe coming out friends and family.
Unfair as it may be, when someone is waaaay in the closet, there’s almost an assumption that telling people will be a Very Big Deal and You Might Lose Your Family.
Every young GLBT person has heard at least one family horror story that includes either being disowned, kicked out, or met with violence. So they are afraid you might do that, even if you would never ever ever ever do that and they should know better.
SO. If you suspect that your brother/sister/cousin/roommate/whoever might be gay, find random excuses to bring up “gay stuff” in a positive light. Stuff like, “isn’t that a cute picture of a kid and his two dads” or “I can’t believe none of the Democratic Presidential candidates are willing to support same sex marriage” or “I am so sick of these stupid homophobic jokes on blahblah tv show.”
Things like that send the message that you probably aren’t going to freak out if they tell you. It still might take awhile, but it really will help.
Liza
said,
June 19, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Heh. Or you could buy one of my new “Friend of the Family” t-shirts and wear it around them. That avoids having to find something to bring up. http://www.cafepress.com/golesbianfamily/3159001
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » Part II of I’m breaking the #1 blogging rule and totally writing about my personal family issues
said,
June 19, 2007 at 4:53 pm
[…] Did you miss yesterday’s post? If so you’ll want to go back and read it or today’s post is totally going to confuse you. […]
Lindsey
said,
June 19, 2007 at 7:11 pm
OKay…it’s “tomorrow” already. I’m going to read part 2 now. LOL
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » Part III - I’m breaking the #1 blogging rule and totally writing about my personal family issues
said,
June 20, 2007 at 5:51 pm
[…] Did you miss Part I and Part II? You’ll want to get up to speed before you continue reading. […]
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » I’m Breezy
said,
June 22, 2007 at 6:34 pm
[…] Thanks to everyone who left comments and sent me e-mails about my latest posts pertaining to my older brother and our lack of a relationship. Is it bad to admit that knowing a lot of families have similar problems makes me feel better about my problems? Because really, there are a lot of family issues out there in this world. […]
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » This is what happens when the Parents Association starts kicking ass and taking names
said,
August 2, 2007 at 3:53 pm
[…] One of the things that initially surprised me about the interweb was how we all go through similar experiences. I doubt that any of you had the exact same experience with a gay brother, but you might have had something similar happen. I appreciate all the comments and e-mails I received saying things like “this happened to us”, or “we’re going through daycare woes too”. I don’t like hearing that others have to deal with this, but it does make me feel better to know that I’m not alone. And while I don’t know that any of you are going through a Hitler-style overthrow at your kids school, you understand my concerns as we go through one. […]
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » This is what happens when the Parents Association starts kicking ass and taking names
said,
August 2, 2007 at 7:00 pm
[…] One of the things that initially surprised me about the interweb was how we all go through similar experiences. I doubt that any of you had the exact same experience with a gay brother, but you might have had something similar happen. I appreciate all the comments and e-mails I received saying things like “this happened to us”, or “we’re going through daycare woes too”. I don’t like hearing that others have to deal with this, but it does make me feel better to know that I’m not alone. And while I don’t know that any of you are going through a Hitler-style overthrow at your kids school, you understand my concerns as we go through one. […]
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » In which I admit to being afraid of menses
said,
August 4, 2007 at 7:18 pm
[…] Throughout the rest of my early teenage years I lived in fear that my brother Biff would find out and torment me. He was the typical older brother and would say things like; […]
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » In which I worry about naming a baby that isn’t even mine
said,
September 13, 2007 at 4:05 pm
[…] Once I got a little older and realized that Biff wasn’t going to be getting married or having his own son, I wondered how that would work. Was I supposed to name my son Bifftopher III? I figured that wasn’t the rule since I would have a different last name. […]
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » Delcy’s songs
said,
October 22, 2007 at 4:00 am
[…] Your mom was pregnant with Biff when Delcy sent this letter and she was dying of cancer. She didn’t know it yet. She died on February 4th, 1974 at the age of 53. The doctor didn’t realize she had cancer until it was too late. We went to see her at Thanksgiving time right after Biff was born. The next Thanksgiving she was in the hospital and she wasted away very quickly. Life is fragile and short. […]
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » I like milk with my serial
said,
November 9, 2007 at 9:18 pm
[…] I think my love for blogging serials started when Lizzy posted her story about her (non) relationship with her father. Reading that prompted me to write my own serial about my older brother coming out of the closet. Then Lizarita posted about how she and her babydaddy broke up and got back together again, in a serial. And then Sillyhily wrote about her brother’s engagement, again, in serial form. […]
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » In which I lose count of all my piercings after about nine
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December 27, 2007 at 3:44 pm
[…] After college, I was still sporting all my earrings, but now the piercing craze had really taken off. More and more people were sporting face and body piercings. Everyone, including myself, had their belly button pierced. And more and more guys were getting their ear pierced. It the small town I’m from guys with earrings were still looked at with the assumption that they were gay or a pirate. I don’t even have to tell you that my older (gay) brother had his ear pierced. He may have even had both of his ears pierced. […]
In which I let my mom cut my hair | hola, isabel
said,
April 10, 2008 at 4:44 pm
[…] The summer before 5th grade, my mom gave me my first (and only) perm. She only permed my bangs and I loved it. She also gave my older brother a perm, after months of him begging for curls in his hair. I was about twelve year old when my mom first showed me how to henna my hair. My mom’s the one that cut 6 inches off my (way too) long hair, just in time for the Preference Dance my junior year. My best friend Marci stood by her side and offered her support. (Love the bow in your hair, Marci!) […]
In which I get reunited, and it feels so good | hola, isabel
said,
April 16, 2008 at 6:23 pm
[…] Yesterday afternoon I sneaked into an empty conference room and called KT. And let me tell you, hearing her voice on the other end of the phone transported me back to 1993 instantly. I loved it. We giggled and laughed. We shared stories and swapped memories. We updated each other on friends from the past and promised to e-mail more pictures. We talked, at length, about my gay brother. She tried to shed some light on the situation, but honestly, I don’t think anyone (but him) can. KT asked about Babboo and The King. She told me about her partner and how happy they are together. And we giggled and laughed some more. […]
In which I must date Winnie Cooper | hola, isabel
said,
April 24, 2008 at 4:20 pm
[…] In which I must date Winnie CooperApril 24th, 2008 @ 7:01 am While my parents were in town for Babboo’s birthday, my mom was able to meet my older brother and his boyfriend for lunch. My mom said she was really impressed with his boyfriend. She said he was just a really nice guy with a “firm handshake”. (I’m not really sure what that means in this day and age. Do people even still shake hands?) […]