A lesson in being a bigger personJune 19th, 2006 @ 5:32 pm
When I was first pregnant with Babboo I received an e-mail from Aly, one of my closest friends from back home. She told me she had a miscarriage that weekend. I hadn’t even known she was pregnant.
Aly’s revelation made me go through my own fair share of emotions. Yes, I was sad for her and her husband. But I was also a little upset at her also. I just felt like she didn’t have the right to grieve like I had with my own miscarriages. She had only known she was pregnant for one day. It wasn’t like my miscarriages where I had been 9 weeks along, both time. I held this against her. Which wasn’t fair. I knew it wasn’t fair, and yet I had those feelings. I called her the day after I got her e-mail to see how she was feeling.
I didn’t tell her about my own miscarriages. Or that I was currently pregnant. It was still too early for me to tell people. And I never really had told people about my miscarriages. (My best friends still don’t know. Heck. I didn’t tell my Mom about the second one until after my D&C.) I guess this was how I dealt with it.
Which probably wasn’t the best way, but it was the only way I knew how.
When I was about 20 weeks pregnant and finally telling people, I called Aly to tell her I was pregnant. I was extra nervous about telling her. I didn’t want to upset her. I was really brave, and I even told her about my own miscarriages. She was very supportive, but I could sense hurt in her voice. Not hurt she wasn’t pregnant and I was. Hurt that I hadn’t told her about them when she was going through her own miscarriage.
Aly and I had a good talk about it that day and I tried to explain why I hadn’t told people about my miscarriages. I tried to make her understand how I didn’t want all of my friends, who had kids, to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want them to hug me and tell me it would all be okay. That wasn’t the kind of thing I needed to hear. At the time I was going through all of my crap, I didn’t know things were going to be okay. I wasn’t sure that The King and I would ever get our “take home baby”.
Aly was so happy that I was pregnant. She was very supportive during the entire pregnancy. She was the first person to call my when we got home from the hospital after Babboo was born. She called me on my birthday and Mother’s Day. I knew she was happy for us. I never felt like she held any ill feelings towards me. She is clearly a bigger person that I am.
I felt like I knew what she must have been going through. I remember the feelings I had had when people would tell me they were pregnant. I knew what it felt like to go through two miscarriages while my sister in law was pregnant with twins. I knew what it was like to go to baby shower after baby shower. I knew all too well. But Aly seemed to be different. She was stronger.
Every time I hear from Aly, since that fateful phone call, I expect her to tell me she’s pregnant. I answer the phone with excitement, thinking this time she’s calling to tell me she’s pregnant. But she never is. I end up stumbling through the call, not wanting to rub it in that I have a baby. I try not to gush about how much I love him, or what an amazing thing being a mother is. I try to remember how I felt when I was going through that myself. I try to be the person to Aly that I wish everyone had been to me.
Aly called me on Friday night. As always, I was anxious to have her tell me she was pregnant. She didn’t. She wasn’t. Again, I stumbled through the phone call. I didn’t ask her how things were going with the whole “getting pregnant” thing, even though I was desperate to ask. I figured she would tell me if she was pregnant. I didn’t need to ask. I tried to not gush over my baby. I didn’t bring up the fact that I was going back to work and how I was dreading it.
Instead we talked about her recent trip to San Francisco. We compared vacations. She told me about her husband’s new job. I told her how things were going on our new house. I felt like the conversation was contrived.
After I hung up the phone, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Thinking about how hard it must be for her. I tried to remember how many months it had been since her miscarriage. About how many months she had been hoping that maybe this month would be the month. I thought about how many pregnancy tests she must have taken and gotten that big slap in the face when it was negative. It made me think about my own struggles with the same thing.
My heart ached for her all weekend. And I felt sorry for myself all over again.
Aly called me again last night. She wanted to see how The King’s first Father’s Day had gone. She said they had gone to her parent’s house to celebrate the day with her Dad. Then she told me that it was also a special day for her husband.
Because he’s going to be a Daddy!
Aly is 9 weeks pregnant.
This is when all hell broke loose and I began to tell her how much she’s going to love being a mother. I held my own baby in my arms and gushed over him. I told her that there was nothing like A Mother’s Love. I told her that people would tell her that and she would just roll her eyes because, DUH, of course. I told her that in 8 months she would be calling me and telling me that I was so right about that.
I went on for 15 minutes before I realized I was filling her full of advice and wisdom. The exact thing that all pregnant women hate to hear. So I just told her congratulations, again, hung up the phone and finished snuggling Babboo.
Today is my first day back at work. I’ve been here three hours, and I’ve only called once to check on him. I haven’t cried since I left this morning
Hold me.
My Sweet Babboo · Work · They're just my friends
anna
said,
June 19, 2006 at 6:04 pm
Congratulations to your friend! and way to go for you. When you pick up Babboo later give him extra cuddles from all of us here in internet land.
Cindy
said,
June 19, 2006 at 6:49 pm
Congrats to Aly and her husband. And congrats to you for not crying!!! I left my son with my mother, and I was sobbing on the way to work. How ridiculous it that!!??
Ashley
said,
June 19, 2006 at 7:09 pm
Got goosebumps when I read Aly’s news. Been thinking about you at work.
Frema
said,
June 19, 2006 at 7:15 pm
How amazing for your friend! I’m sure she appreciated your advice and also how hard you tried to keep her feelings in mind each time you wanted to gush over Babboo.
You are a very strong woman, and no doubt you’re raising an incredible son. Here’s to hoping your first day back at work is easy and uneventful.
Katja
said,
June 19, 2006 at 7:24 pm
Thanks for sharing with us!
You’ll make it through the day and you’ll probably be sooo happy, once you have the baby in your arms again!
Heather B.
said,
June 19, 2006 at 7:39 pm
Off topic, but it’s working now. YAY!
janet
said,
June 19, 2006 at 8:23 pm
I’ve been thinking about you today, hoping your first day back wasn’t too traumatizing. Glad to see you are still successfully blogging at work — that leaves more quality time for Babboo later on
Amy
said,
June 19, 2006 at 8:36 pm
After my miscarriage I was so jealous whenever I’d see a pregnant woman. It still hurts even though I’ve since had two absolutely perfect baby girls. For me, it’s something I’ll never forget. I’ve got to give credit to working mothers. I don’t know how you do it! You’re going to gobble up your Babboo when you see him!
Hilary
said,
June 19, 2006 at 9:02 pm
Well a big congrats to Ally! That’s wonderful. I wish her a healthy pregnancy.
I have been thinking about you all day. I was going to IM you earlier but didn’t know how busy you were at work. I hope you are making it okay. You know I know how hard today is for you b/c I was just there two weeks ago. I will assure you though that it really does get easier. Eventually.
I hope the rest of your afternoon flies by.
Liberal Banana
said,
June 19, 2006 at 9:33 pm
Congrats to Aly! My boyfriend’s best friend and his wife had a miscarriage about six months ago and I wasn’t sure how to express my sympathies appropriately. I read on the internet (thank god for the internet!) that the last thing most women want to hear is anything about trying again, because it discounts the child they’ve just lost - that they need to grieve and not put on a happy face like it’ll happen eventually. The first time I happened to see her, it was at a co-birthday party they were holding for her husband and his brother. When we were alone together for a moment, I told her I’d heard and that I was so sorry for their loss. She had a bit of a shocked look on her face for a split second and then someone interrupted us. I felt AWFUL. I realized that she might not have known that her husband told my boyfriend. I felt sick the rest of the evening. I wrote her an email that evening (we’re not close enough to call each other or anything) and told her how sorry I was about the way things happened - and she was very nice about it. I think I’ll be scared to ever bring it up around another woman again. That said though, I’m so sorry that any woman, including you and Aly, has ever had to go through the loss of a child. I’m so glad that you’ve found your happiness though!
Stephanie A.
said,
June 19, 2006 at 9:38 pm
I went through a similar situation with one of my best friends throughout my pregnancy and was so happy when she found out she was going to have twins. Congrats to Aly!
And big hugs to you, Isabel. I know those first days (months) back are so challenging. Hang in there, though I know it can be tough.
ReDinkyDink
said,
June 19, 2006 at 10:48 pm
Wow. Beautiful post. Almost made me cry.
H. Squirrel
said,
June 20, 2006 at 12:39 am
Mucho congratso to Aly. I almost wanted to quit reading your post because I didn’t want to see that she still wasn’t pregnant. That was a terribly written sentence, so I apologize.
Hope your first day back to work was tolerable!
Suzanne
said,
June 20, 2006 at 1:59 am
I thought of you today while I was at work… remembering my first day back at work… I’ll be thinking about you this week!!
Congratulations to Aly!!!
Chas
said,
June 20, 2006 at 2:30 am
I am soooo happy for Aly! That wasn’t my exact situation, but I know how a lot of it feels. After trying for three years, being told children are not possible, going to baby shower after baby shower, being asked by everyone I know when we’re going to have a baby, doing fertility treatment, finally getting pregnant, miscarrying a twin and being scared for the remainder of my pregnancy that something would happen to the other one…and not telling a single soul about any of it (I’d also rather not have everyone feeling sorry for me and being the topic of conversation every time I leave the room)…it makes me feel too good when I hear of someone that struggled finally getting what every good woman deserves…motherhood.
Anth
said,
June 20, 2006 at 3:45 am
Yeah, this one hits me. Because I dealt with my miscarriage kind of like you did. I told family and best friends only. Out of our entire church congregation, only the bishop (pastor) knows. And Dh only told him after I got pregnant again. And I smiled nicely when a few weeks after miscarrying a friend from church teased me about having a baby in 05 for the tax break. Because I just didn’t want to talk about it, and I didn’t want all the pity and sad faces.
And I think I would have responded exactly the same way you did when your friend miscarried after knowing for one day. I’d be like, It’s not the same. But really, it’s NOT the same. So don’t feel bad for thinking that. She did have the right to grieve of course. Grieve lots. Does it make me a bad person to think though that you kind of earned the right to wallow in grief if you so desired? Maybe. I’m not perfect. (How’s that for a cop-out!)
I’m not sure where I’m going with this, other than to say, I understand why you felt the way you did. And props to you for reigning in the (overwhelming) desire to engage in pregnancy and new-mommy talk.
And YAY to your friend because she is having a baby!!!
Durga
said,
June 20, 2006 at 7:42 am
u r a good friend Isabel, u did the right thing with Aly.
I know all about people “assuming” why I am not pregnant yet. The last thing i want is sympathy.
Anyways, I’ll be thinking of u today- hope u get through it without too much heart ache.
I like the new site.
U are doing well Isabel. Keep thinking abt the ‘bigger picture’ and u’ll feel better. right? Take Care. xx
Jessie
said,
June 20, 2006 at 12:34 pm
Hope the rest of the first day back went well. Congratulations to your friend. That is so exciting!
Christar
said,
June 20, 2006 at 1:10 pm
I know how hard a miscarriage is on a women, because my mom had one once, and she was pregnant with twins. She had a very hard time, and went through a lot of depression. I think it’s probably one of the most horrible things that could ever happen to a woman. I’m very happy for your friend! Every women deserves to be a mother.
Congrats on starting work again! I hope all is well.
Katrina
said,
June 20, 2006 at 10:58 pm
Congratulations to Aly, and to you on the joys of motherhood that you’re clearly soaking up to the full! This was a difficult situation, but I really admire the way you handled it, and I pray that your friend has a happy and healthy pregnancy with her own bundle of joy at the end!
hola, isabel » I’m back and it feels like I never left
said,
January 15, 2007 at 5:34 pm
[…] I need to go through the rest of the pictures I took. So far it seems that I took a ton of pictures of Babboo and not many of my friends. And NOT A SINGLE ONE of my friend’s new baby that just happened to be born while I was in town. […]
hola, isabel » A talent I wished I could pass on to others (with lots and lots of pictures)
said,
April 27, 2007 at 6:46 pm
[…] Below are the blankets that are actually considered afghans. I hate to admit it, but while taking the pictures I realized I don’t remember who made #1 and #4. #2 was made by my friend Aly and #3 was made by my friend in real life that found (secret) blog last week. […]
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » Backstage pass
said,
June 5, 2007 at 12:11 am
[…] After college I met Aly and things really started to heat up. We saw everybody. Some I remember, some I don’t. The first night we hung out we saw Lords of Acid and My Life with the Thrill Kill Cult. I know we also saw Beck, Bush, Cake, Quicksand, Foo Fighters, Korn (more than once, but I swear I’m not a fan), and Everclear (we even hung out with them). During this time I took my little sister to her first concert. We saw the Beastie Boys. Such a better first concert then NKOTB. I had to prep her on the standard rules for concert going. Mostly to just ignore all the people smoking pot around us. But she just couldn’t take her eyes off them. Maybe she was a little young to be there. Oopsie. […]